Talking to children about cancer

Blueorange

I have a 7 year old daughter and I am a single parent. I've told her that I have lumps in my breast that need to be removed, but have not yet told her about cancer.

My surgery is one week from today and I feel that I should tell her. A friend sent me a plushy cancer cell to help talk to her, she used it with her kids. I was planning on talking about good and bad cells, removing bad ones...etc.

My mother and step father feel that my daughter should not be told about cancer. They want to drive her home right after my surgery so she doesn't have to see me in the recovery stage at the hotel. My surgery is in San Francisco, about 4 hours from where we live. I think she would rather be near me, also she will hear about cancer while in the cancer center, and from people talking about it around her. I would rather be honest, gently honest, than have her hear about it in other ways...

How did you talk to your kids? Did you tell them? How did you handle this?

Thank you

Hopefloatsinyyc

I'm a single mom too.... Mine are 9 year old twin boys and I agonized about this more than anything. Once I had my diagnosis and surgery was scheduled and was told I would definitely need chemo, I decided I had enough info to open up and share with them what mommy was facing. We ended up going for dinner and after I told them I was sick but was going to have an operation and take medicine to get healthy again... I told them they each needed to come up with 5 questions. We talked about everything, and their questions were smart and thoughtful. I think they knew something was going on, and by my telling them- it made it less scary since it wasn't a secret. They talk to me about things now... As questions pop in their heads. I'm glad I told them, we are very close... And they deserved to know. They made a list of books and movies we will enjoy when I'm sick and wanting to rest.

I just reassured them that I would get through this and that even though mommy might look really sick from the medicine, that I would be healthy after.

Blueorange

Thank you hope. This is very helpful and exactly what I'm hoping for with my daughter. If I am honest with her I feel she will feel comfortable bing honest with me...now and in the future.

Hopefloatsinyyc

some of the questions they asked me were...

Who is going to take care of us while you are in the hospital?

Will you die?

How did it get there?

Does it hurt right now? Can we feel it? (My lump was easily felt and close to my skin- so this was easily accommodated)

Will we still go to Disney World in December (we have done an annual trip since they were born and it was important for me to reassure them that although I was sick- I would get better and we would still have many things to look forward to)

Why didn't you tell us before (which made me realize they heard adults talking at some level before I told them)

If the doctors are chopping off your boobies why are they putting them back? (From the mouth of boys haha)...

This last question was harder for me to answer, but as we sat there in the restaurant, an explanation popped into my head! One of my sons hates chocolate (weirdo!)... So I explained it like this: let's say you have a glass of milk, and the waitress put some chocolate into it by mistake... Mommy could try and scoop out all the chocolate and it would probably be ok... But just to be safe, mommy would probably throw out the old milk and get you a new glass just so we were sure it wasn't in there- and then no one but you and I would know there was ever chocolate in your milk. I know.... Not entirely accurate and not at all scientific- but for a nine year old worried about his mommy- this explanation gave him all the answers he needed.

When I came home from hospital post op, I showed them the drains pinned to my shorts, and explained why they were there... We practiced leg hugs and they knew I would be a slow poke for a while, they also weighed the milk and some other items on our scale so that they knew what was "too heavy for mommy to lift" and watched me like a hawk to make sure I didn't break the rules... They are my little protectors. I'm glad they are watching me get stronger, and are part of the team in beating this! It makes them feel empowered.

BlueKoala

I have a 9-year-old who worries about things until he can understand them. (He's his mother's son!) So I have been very frank with him. i've put everything in language he understands, and reminded him that if he has any questions, or wants to talk to anyone about how he is feeling, just ask as and we will help him out. I check up with him regularly.

I initially told all three of my kids (the others are 5 and 3) that I had something growing in me that shouldn't be there, and a doctor will need to cut out so that it doesn't take over my whole body, and I'll have to have this crazy medicine that will make me feel sick and tired and make all my hair fall out!

That has been enough for the youngest. My middle has started asking a few more questions recently. As each new thing happens I give each child extra information as they need it.

My father died from cancer when I was six, and my mum kept everything very hush hush. I still don't know a lot about what happened with my dad, and feel I'm not welcome to ask, 30 years later! I DID NOT want this for my kids.

JCS28

My kids were 6 and 4 when I had my diagnosis last year and then BMX in December. I think it completely depends on the child. We told them I was sick and that I would be taking medicine that would make me sick and that I would be in the hospital one night and resting at home for weeks. They did not come to the hospital but they saw me at home only 24 hours after surgery. And I was in the bed a lot for the first week. My 6 year old son didn't ask a lot of questions about my body but he wanted to be near me and know I was OK. But my 4 year old daughter is obsessed with all things medical and wanted to see everything. My son just recently asked a few questions and wanted to see my scars.

My best advice is to just talk about it honestly and openly. I think hiding things is scarier for kids. But don't tell them too much more than they ask. Let them lead the conversation. Good luck! Kids are so much more resilient than adults!

Blueorange

awww Hope, your boys sound so sweet. I like the milk/chocolate explanation...

I told my daughter today about normal and abnormal cells, cancer cells. I used the plushy to help explain. She only asked if I would be ok, I said yes but I may take medicine that will make me feel sick for a while...also I wont be able to do very much while I'm healing...

Blueorange

Blue and JC

I agree, I don't want her to wonder and worry and feel left in the dark. I think it will be better long term for her to know as much or little as I feel she can handle. It seems most people feel this way thsee days 😊

kaceyr0423

I was in the process of adopting my 4 year old granddaughter when diagnosed. She is a sponge, and doesn't miss anything, so I had no choice but to tell her the truth. I told her that I had a little poison in my boobies, and the doctors had to cut it out. This explanation was enough for her, however, she needed to see it. ( she is the kind of kid who follows me everywhere I go. I can't go to the bathroom alone, and I can barely get a shower without her following me in.) Every day she excitedly yells Grandma, Your booby is almost better! I find it's better to make her a part of the process instead of trying to hide it to protect her from it. After all it affects her life in every aspect as much as it does mine, and kids know when something is up with us. It stresses them out so much when they know we are hiding something from them. I just make sure I'm not giving her too much information and keep it age appropriate. She is a great kid and she understands that I'm going through something pretty rough, but it isn't traumatic for her, and she has no idea that people die from cancer- because she doesn't need to know that. All she needs to know is that her Grandma is a beast and a little poison in my booby isn't going to take me out! Her needs will still be met and I love her more than anything.

Tresjoli2

I have two children. One had just turned 3, the other was 8. I had to have two very different sets of conversations. And two sets of actions (I had to teach the three year old to climb on the change table, to get in and out of the tub, etc). I told them I had broken cells, and that I had to take medicine to keep more cells from breaking. And the crazy thing was I had to get sick (chemo) to get better. For the 8yo knowing his routine would not change was the most important thing. The 3yo actually had a much harder time than the 8yo. I think you should tell.

Starlings

I'm a single mom to a 10 year old daughter. It broke my heart to break the news to her. She is struggling emotionally, and has matured so fast. She knows that she can discuss her feelings with other people - teachers, friends, etc., but it's tough. The timing was really hard for us as she had just started middle school and was only beginning to make new friends. The social worker asked me if I used the word "cancer", which I had done, and that is seemingly the appropriate thing to do with children. The emotions are difficult to deal with at that age though.

Zillsnot4me

Of course you had to be honest. It's a hard time for both of you.

Sjacobs146

My kids were teenagers, so they understand a bit more than children in elementary school, but I did emphasize that the Cancer was not going to kill me any time soon, and hopefully not ever. Sometimes the word Cancer I plies an automatic death sentence. I also asked for their input on wigs, vs. hats and whether I should do something different with my wig, or get something as close to my current hair as possible. Appearing as normal as possible seemed important to my younger son (15 at the time of my diagnosis).

KDs-Husband

Ladies, I totally agree with JCS28 when she states, "Kids are so much more resilient than adults!"

My wife, KD, was diagnosed Stage 4 right out the gate in February of this year. We have two boys who have since turned 12 and 8.

Also, to complicate things, their Papa, my wife's father, was being treated for a recurrent cancer at the time of her diagnosis. And, their other grandfather, my step-dad, was suffering from congestive heart failure.

We decided from the start to be as open and honest with them as we could about everything (to a point, of course).

Three months ago, both of their grandfathers passed in a span of six days. They had the opportunity to say "goodbye" to both of them. They handled their passings, and both funerals very well.

They have also been very helpful with their mother these past seven months during her treatment. We really feared that after losing their Papa to cancer, they would be filled with fear about their mother, but that hasn't been the case.

So, we have learned thatthe old adage, "Honesty is the best policy", certainly applies here.

Louis

NYCexec

Blueorange, like many others here I believe in creating an atmosphere of care, honesty, and support in the house. I realize many people prefer to avoid the more serious or uncomfortable conversations with family members, but I've seen that it is those very conversations that create deeper bonds. If I had a major headache thinking about work issues, I don't really feel the need to share that with my kids. But with something as serious as cancer, I knew the illness would affect our lives in a major way, which is not something to just brush over. Our immediate family is often our core unit and source of support, so honesty goes such a long way in creating trust and having each others backs.

My daughter was close in age (6) to yours when I was diagnosed two years ago. It was quite difficult for me to find the bravery and words to explain my condition to her. My nurse gifted me the book, "Mommy Has Cancer! (Let's Talk About It)", which made the process so much easier. It's very sweet and simple, and puts it within a context a 6-9 year old can connect to. Amazon carries it. I gently read it to her and our conversation flowed from there. The honesty felt warm/good.

I didn't realize this was an older thread until now, but I hope this helps anyone going through similar concerns with their kids. Judging from the newer topics with similar issues, it looks like there are others. May we all find inspiration as we communicate with our children.