The anxiety that goes with "waiting and wondering"

Raili

It's been six years since I was treated for breast cancer. I developed anxiety during the month and a half of radiation, and while my physical health was completely restored, my anxiety seems to have only increased over the years. Twice in the past year, I've had a "recurrence scare" - an odd lump in my armpit that required a biopsy to determine whether or not it was a cancerous lymph node, and then just this week, a "suspicious mass" my annual MRI found, which required immediate mammogram and ultrasound. Both were benign, but OMG, the anxiety is AWFUL. I can't stand that awful waiting, waiting, waiting - waiting for the doctors to call back, waiting for the imaging or biopsy appointments to be scheduled, waiting for restful sleep that never comes, waiting for test results, while you try not to panic. I find that my nervous system gets so revved up, that simply receiving the good news that I'm fine isn't enough to make the anxiety go away. Initially, I feel giddy with relief and joy, but then after a few hours or the next day, I still physically feel the anxiety in my body - I'm jittery, irritable, drained, restless, not breathing well, with knots in my stomach. Anxiety is exhausting. It's like I can't handle the emotional roller coaster that comes with these recurrence scares...spending several days wondering if I'm about to need surgery and chemo, trying not to play the worst case scenarios in my mind... then in an instant, a doctor is like, "IT'S BENIGN! GO CELEBRATE! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!", and instead of instantly returning to being happy, I'm freaking EXHAUSTED and frazzled. And then the people around me are confused, because I "should be happy." Does this happen to anyone else??

Optimist52

I think you have described life after breast cancer brilliantly! The stress while waiting for results which unfortunately are ongoing for the rest of our lives is something people who haven't been through it don't understand.

kittysister

I agree! It's the "new normal".

IHGJAnn49

I got the results of my surgery and they were good, but like you said, tired and just bawled... it was a little flat spot on the roller coaster.. and more to go..

Theresanne

I have all of my checkups coming in a few weeks. I am a mess. Every single day I feel like I am waiting fir the shoe to drop. I have contemplated just leaving my family so they could start a life without me if it comes back...or ending my life. I cannot do this much longer....every ache or pain sends me into a tailspin. It 4 1/2 years since my st 2 ilc diagnosis..and zi feel more anxious...more awful with every day....

AnotherMichelle

Raili, I'm not sure if this will be a comfort or not, but all the research coming out now says that anxiety is a problem for survivors, much more common than depression. So you are definitely not alone in the big sense.

You're also not alone in the small sense. So many of us experience what you describe. I am not even done with treatment yet (radiation and AIs to come), and there are days when I cannot get past the fear of its return/mets. The other day, my abdomen hurt, and I worried the entire day about my liver. All day. I also have had so many feelings like Theresanne. I was unable to see my therapist during chemo (thanks, neutropenia) and am just getting back to seeing her to see if she has ideas for how to deal with the overwhelming anxiety. (I already have Lexapro and some handy Xanax, which is the real help most days.)

But I just want someone to tell me how to deal with the uncertainty and how not to be scare every. single. day.

Hugs to you,

Kelli

momwriter

I also want to say that I am 4 years out- and have NEVER had a scan that didn't require a call back. It's awful and makes me not want to go for scans because of the anxiety. I'm so grateful that thus far they've been B9, but it's so hard to go through.