Pressure to Hurry Up and Heal?

Jnice

I am 3 weeks post bmx and am facing pressure to "hurry up and heal" from some in my life. When will you return to work, what do you want to do for the fourth of July, when can you participate more in taking care of your daughter (she is autistic, violent, and due to safety concerns with my recovery because I live alone I can't care for her while I'm recovering. This kills me). I'm normally a very active and independent person and never need to ask for help because I have plans A, B, C and D lined up. Not anymore. This needing help with everything really gets to me and only degrades my self worth even more. When I have my moments and cry out of frustration accidentally in front of my partner or other supports, it's like it's not valid anymore...I'm told that I'm "fighting against the current" and "I need to just accept that I need help".

That's not it at all. I'm recalibrating, trying to get used to this new normal. I'm trying to accept what I can't change and be stronger for it. But the road isn't paved, it's pretty bumpy. I'm okay with the bumps, but I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt to go over them sometimes. A strong person isn't necessarily one who never cries. It's one who cries, and then gets back up to fight again. I am the latter, but I do have my moments every single day at this point. I've changed from the happy go lucky person I was to a quiet contemplative person peacefully trying to accept and make sense of what is happening. Those close to me are turned off because I'm not smiling and laughing all the time and wanting to go off on this adventure or that one. I'm only 36 and used to be like that.

I'm sorry but I can't right now. I'm in pain every day. I wake up 3-4x a night because I can't get comfortable. Because of that I'm tired. I'm stressed at what this is doing to my income, my job, my relationships, my daughter's development, and my own body. The last thing I am thinking about is what to do for fourth of july or what adventure to try to go on next. Those close to me just don't understand that. They rattle off a list of solutions, bless them, but it comes across as a further attack at how poorly I'm doing at handling life in general right now. and I find myself being internally angry and distancing myself from them.

I'm frustrated that I can't do the things I used to do. I'm sad that I'm missing out on what will be the whole summer for the most part due to treatment. I'm sad that I have no breasts and don't feel sexy anymore despite what my partner says, that I have no stamina to hike, can't work out like I used to, can't drive, am being effectively demoted at work because I am out so much for treatments. I'm very angry that I worked so hard to get where I was, finally out of an abusive relationship, climbing the ladder on the fast track at work, coming to a plateau in my daughter's autism, found a wonderful new person that I've been spending time with, financially was getting to the point where I wasn't paycheck to paycheck. Now that's all being crushed one by one and I'm having to start over from ground zero.

It's okay. I've done it before. I'm not afraid to do it. I'm just not able to smile all the time and pretend that I'm happy to do it quite yet. It's going to take hard work and focus. I feel like I'm maxed out with the pain and recovery from the bmx emotionally and physically. I can't even begin to take in the rest of the things on my "to do" list. People in my life are doing what they know how to do to help but they just don't seem to get it. and by not joyfully taking action on their recommendations of lawyer hunting for custody issues or meeting up with other moms for coffee so I can have more of a support network for my daughter or studying to further my education in my career to make myself more valuable in the workplace or enrolling my daughter in more therapy....by not doing these things I am pushing these well intentioned people away. But each of these things requires much more energy than I have right now.

I just lost my breasts. I'm waiting to see if I'll need chemo. Everything I've worked so hard for is on the rocks. It's just so hard to have my friends, family and partner ask how I'm doing and beg me to open up to them, then stop the conversation short and leave when I finally open up or disregard what I'm feeling by offering a my way or the highway solution approach and getting defensive or argumentative when I say thank you and that I'll do it as soon as I'm ready to. I just need time to process and get back on top and it really hurts me to think that I am destroying my relationships in order to get that time because now isn't soon enough for them.

I'm in counseling, talking this out. No depression so no meds needed. I've communicated this clearly to all of the people in my life, but they still don't get it. I'm having to step away further and further to preserve my sanity and decrease the pressure put on me to hurry up and heal. Is anyone else feeling like this? Is this a normal phase people go through?

Meow13

I think it is a reluctance to admit you have cancer. My family was so anxious to have me be healthy and cancer free. You have to tell them you need time. This is not easy especially emotionally.

chrissyb

Jnice you are experiencing the same thing as just about everyone here has done.........it's a normal part of dealing with this disease. Unfortunately not everyone gets that cancer changes your life.......permanently. It may not be like it is right now but it will never be exactly the same as it was either. This disease takes so much emotionally and financially but all you can do is live each day and deal with what comes on that day.

For the people who just don't get it please try not to let them get to you and if necessary just tell them what your reality is right now and that their attitude is not helping your recovery.

I wish you all the very best with your healing and learning to deal with what cancer has bought with it.

Love n hugs. Chrissy

cookiegal

Some of us just heal slower. I am young ish and healthy ish and I was in pretty acute pain for 6 weeks. Then I had frozen shoulder and disabling spasms which was the worst.

It does sound like people are trying to fix you a bit.

But you have cancer for crying out loud, if thats not an excuse I don't know what is.

Blessings2011

Jnice - I am so sorry you are dealing with so many things at once. It's hard enough to recover from breast cancer surgery and all that that entails (plus the question of chemo), but also the "helpful" or intrusive comments from others close to you.

The only thing I would take exception to is that if there ever were a time when you needed help, now is that time. Even with your daughter's needs, you need that time and that energy to heal your body. (Remember the old "put your own mask on first, then help others" drill on the airplane...)

When we take that attitude of "I need to care for myself first", then it becomes easier to accept help in whatever form it takes. It does not mean we are weak, it means that we are strong for placing the importance on healing, not pleasing others. For someone with a boatload of responsibility, and a history of always having Plan A, B,C, and D in place, of course it will be harder for you to let go of that control than it might be for others.

You are only 3 weeks out from surgery. Dang, I cried every day for a month, I was so miserable. And I was a total control freak before that. You should have seen my "To Do" list before surgery. I was like a woman possessed.

Then came recuperation, and I felt like such a big baby... nothing was as I thought it would be. I became a virtual hermit, because I didn't feel up to company, and I certainly didn't feel like making holiday plans.

But the good news is that all of this is temporary. The post-surgical pain will pass. You will learn to do chemo, if that's what it takes. You can always come here and cry or rant. There is not one person here who will not understand.

One thing that made it easier for me to face all those well-meaning friends and relatives was having a schedule in place on Caring Bridge. I referred EVERYONE to my page. On it went everything... from the dates of my procedures, to how I was feeling at any given time. The very FIRST thing we told everyone was that according to the doctor, recovery from BMX and Recon would take at least a year before I was back to where I was Pre-BC.

This wasn't exactly true.... my first day of NOT thinking about cancer came much, much sooner, and was SO sweet....

But as long as I held the DOCTOR responsible for my extended recuperation period, there was very little that anyone could say to me. It was a relief not to have those stupid conversations over and over.

I am sending you gentle hugs, and the encouragement to be good to yourself right now. This too, shall pass. Hang in there Sister, and remember, we are here to listen.

Jnice

Thanks so much for the support everyone. It means everything.

ARCats

Jnice,

I agree with all the ladies that have posted here. I also pray that those around you open their heart and mind to what you truly need; and that through this journey that the GOD I serve give you the strength and peace to overcome all adversities.

You are in my prayers.

cb123

SanFranKitty

I know the feeling! I felt that from my husband especially after my mastectomy which was so hard to get through. This time after my exchange recovery is not as bad, but I myself am feeling impatient. I just want to get out of the house because it's kind of lonely recovery because I'm doing it alone again. My mother is a breast cancer survivor too, so you think she'd be here hanging out with me more ( we are neighbors), but I see her sometimes just for a few minutes in passing during the day.