Can't cope with loss of breasts or hair

elise24601

Im order to not die of BC, I need a double mastectomy and taxotere/cytoxen. I am at chemo #2 now, and while I tired penguin cold caps to keep my hair, they have failed.

I am only 31 and before cancer I had depression/anxiety disorder.

My current emotional state is very troublesome. I feel traumatized by losing my hair, and having to have my breasts cut off. I am not a strong, brave, fighter warrior type. I have no spiritual beliefs to comfort me. I'm sensitive and heartbroken. I am single and now unable to work.

I would rather surrender to this disease with some sort of hospice or palliative care. Once I go to stage IV (likely soon I'm at III & grade 3) I'd like to do physical assisted suicide, which is now legal in my home state of CA. Or even better, commit suicide now so that I can have control of my own death. I have no children who would need me.

BC destroyed my body, life, and future.

Artista928

This disease is very beatable. I'm stage III grade 3 as well and almost done with treatments (I'm on radiation now). It's been a long year and I started out with my first worry being my hair. I already have hair loss issues and was told to expect chemo to take care of the rest. While it's no fun and it's a long journey you realize how strong you really are as you go through things that you thought no way. You feel empowered as you go. I never thought I would but I did. I didn't tell my family so my support group was my care team. I viewed it as a challenge, one that I was determine to beat. Just because you are stage III doesn't mean you have a good chance of becoming IV. Grade 3 responds the best to chemo. It all seems like an uphill battle but take it a day at a time. One hump to go over at a time. Is there a breast cancer support group near you? Many find it very helpful, especially if you don't feel you can get it from someone you know like I did.

ChiSandy

You need support: professional, from mental health professionals (keep up your sessions, and adjust your meds); and lay, from women who have been through what you have--in-person if possible, certainly here. You have come to the right place. Stage III, grade 3 doesn’t mean you will advance to stage IV. It’s not inevitable. The fact that your tumor was grade 3 means that, being relatively fast-growing, it is highly vulnerable to cytotoxic chemotherapy and will likely not recur. (And even if it does, it’s treatable).

It’s only logical to mourn the loss of your breasts and hair--but your hair will come back. It’s okay to rage, scream, throw things, etc. Whatever gets you through. But giving up so early does not make sense. It’s WAY too soon to talk about palliative care, especially at your age. It is also quite likely you will be able to resume your usual work, or find work to which you can adapt. (And even if you must go on disability, your life still has a purpose--and you don’t have to believe in a higher power or anything supernatural for that. Someone, something, somewhere still needs you. It may take a while to find it...or for it to find you).

Yes, your life has changed irreversibly, and (despite what chirpy self-help gurus say, not for the better). Cancer is not a gift. It is not a blessing. But it is not a death sentence, nor even a forerunner of unbearable pain and suffereing. Your life has not been ruined--it has been altered (there IS a difference). Your previous assumptions of what your life would be have been thrown out the window, and the challenge will be to determine how you will shape your future. The search for that can in itself be fulfilling)

I have been clinically depressive all my life (it was at its worst when I should have been happiest, when my son was in his infancy). But I got help, and I still get help. There is hope.

The day after I got my diagnosis, I was walking home from a business meeting, and on the way home from the train, this (written on the sidewalk) stopped me in my tracks: