Any single people going through this alone?

Runner70

I didn't know where else to put this. I hear so much about "the support system" whether it's a husband or anyone else living at home but I haven't found anything about people like me- the challenge ofliving alone and having no support system. This has been really, really hard! I'm 45 and single. Never married and never had children. I didn't do that on purpose, my focus was on my career and the next thing I know, I'm 45 and alone. My mom is in a nursing home with pretty bad dementia and the rest of my family just doesn't really get it and have not been helpful at all.

I just finished chemo, which for me was the worst 3 months of my life. And I did it alone. If I needed a glass of water, or nausea meds, or anything, I had to get it myself no matter how bad I felt. I had to cook my meals and do stuff around the house. I had to take a break from work after my last chemo because it hit me so hard and I was too tired. I felt so isolated and spent a lot of time crying and worrying about my future. Now, I do have a wonderful circle of friends who went with me to my consults and chemo, but we are all in the same profession and it is stressful and takes up a lot of time, so I can't just expect them to come over just because I don't want to be alone or am fatigued and need help.

I'm not trying to whine or get sympathy but I'm just wondering if I'm the only person going through this alone?

Mom4four

Runner 70 - I am not in the exact same spot as you but I do not have a significant other and my grown kids all live away and my mother is near but cannot help. I do have friends who the first 2 weeks stopped by to visit so that was good. My hardest times are the times when I need/want help with personal care that would expose my surgery. I am a very private person and so I felt very alone in trying to figure out how to take a shower, or drain the drains or things like that.

Sorry you are so alone. I have heard but not contacted the American Cancer Society- I wonder if they have people who might help

jenn32214

Alone here too. Single mother with no other family around and only a few good friends. I also worry if I do get sicker how would I manage, and could I get anyone to help me with personal care if I needed it.

Reckless

Also alone. No husband, kids, parents, siblings, no close friends here. Did not tell coworkers either... They are busy with work anyway, and would not have been able to help on workdays

Blueorange

hi,

I'm single also. A single parent to a 7 year old daughter. I've found that I am pretty lonely going through this. I am fortunate to have my mom, stepfather and lots of scattered family. It's different than having a partner...I am grateful for the support though. I am online a lot, here and another site. It helps to reach out...

All the best

Positivepower11

Runner I am single too, though I have an amazing sibling, who is a huge support during chemo. I am really grateful for the support , however  I had to move countries to be with family.

The sudden shock of being diagnosed with cancer and then realizing that never having gotten married/ no kids one hasn't really planned for events like BC. At the end of the day one has to emotionally cope with this on one's own and it would have been lovely to have a partner. Like you I just continued on a work path and have lived in a city where I don't have much family.

I cant say for you but in a way it is a big wake up call. At 52 I now have to rethink life and relationships. I see the importance of having a supportive partner and  and a strong circle of support. It seems very self evident but I don't know if I paused ever to think about it in the past.

Artista928

Nope. My bro came up for a few days right after my sx but since then I was it. I had complications with drains and then infection which pushed my chemo out by 2 months past when I was to start. Then insurance accidentally dropped me and I had to fight for nearly a month to get it back- this was just before my final chemo. Then I had chest pains and wound up in the hospital last month. Each time and throughout I thought amazing how I'm doing this on my own. I have severe bilateral knee osteoarthritis to so doing the stairs and getting around is harder. You just have to do it. It can be done. It's all in the mind imo unless you have some real big complications. But I had to get myself up and around and out and take care of my pet too. It's amazing what you can do if you have no one around to help. The pain in my knees used to keep me down. But now I'm a bit more immune to it because I have no help imo.

jensgotthis

I separated from my husband about seven months before dx and we're now divorced. So now I am a single mom raising a 7 year old son, have a stressful job, and am being treated and trying to get used to a stage 4 dx. I've gone through chemo and surgery plus some rads in my bone mets. I have had to learn to ask for and accept help from my wonderful circlE of friends. They've taken me to appointments, set up a meal train for one month to provide us with dinners, and sent numerous small gifts and cards. They also check in on me vi Facebook , texts and calls. It has been really hard to let them in but it's been such a new and wonderful part of my life. This is not to say that I don't get lonely or angry or overwhelmed, I do. But your friends can help with that too

elise24601

Single 31 yo here. I have lots of support from my parents and friends, but no partner, and I'm terrified that cancer will take away my chance at finding love. I feel very jealous of women who have committed partners who are standing by them and helping them through it.

RebzAmy

I was single when I was diagnosed 9 years ago now, but I did actually start dating during my treatment and that lasted for a year - it never was going to go anywhere and he wasn't right for me, but it got me through treatment and took my mind off it a bit. In 2011 I met my husband and am now married. But then I did have friends and family around and actually moved back in with my parents.

Hopefloatsinyyc

single mom of twin boys (9), high profile career that is stressful in that I am in the public a lot and now facing going through this journey while keeping my career going. Not taking a break- both for financial and "self worth" reasons. I wish I had a partner- to just share those all too quiet nights when I get in my head about this disease... But I don't. Lots of friends and family- but that's not the same thing. They go back to their normal lives and their happy households andIn the end, I'm alone.

keepthefaith

I am divorced with grown children and a small circle of close friends. My immediate family all live in other states. I remember feeling the fear of going it alone, but I did have support of my family and friends.. Lean on those close to you. You will know who will be there and willing to help. Ask specifically for what you need. Whether it's dinner, a day out, company, whatever....your true friends will be happy to help.

I think had I been married to my ex, it may have made matters worse, so I guess what I am saying, is that, just because you have a partner, it does not mean they will be supportive and a positive influence. Sometimes, you end up having to support them on top of everything else you are dealing with. I turned to my faith and this forum often and still do. I know there are other support groups and resources out there, so, if you need that, maybe you should reach out to your social worker at your medical facility to see what they have to offer. Whether it's a ride (Road to Recovery thru ACS), cleaning your house, (Cleaning for a Reason) or keeping you company. Best wishes:)

MarcellaPa

I'm grateful to find this topic and feel less alone about being alone.

LIke many of you, I am going through this with limited support and no partner. One of you said it was a "wakeup call" and that is exactly what it has been for me. I'm over 50 never married and didn't have children. Career came first.

For some reason I thought any type of illness would come much later and I'd have time to put a supportive partner is place. Time's up! Breast cancer arrived and I'm on my own. Mom is 84 and needs her own help and my sister suggested I use that food service that delivers the ingredients you need for a meal and you do the rest. She then left for a two week vacation. Nice, eh?

So I went to each of my surgeries alone and will go to my radiation treatments on my own. Emotional support started out strong with some calls from friends long distance but as treatment isn't done in a day, people who aren't closely related drop off. That's where having a partner who is committed might help.

Ironically, I had signed up for match.com right before I was diagnosed thinking it was time to seriously look for a patner. I hadn't paid much attention to it with the demands of treatment but I'm wondering of I should now OR wait until I'm done with radiation and beyond the worst part of fatigue. I also have to have a knee replacement done after BC treatment so I'm scheduled for medical stuff for the foreseeable future. I'm a real catch, aren'tI? : )

I joke but that's what many of us worry about. Am I going to be desired? WIll I be rejected because I have breast cancer?

There is someone that caught my eye and apparently I caught his also on the dating site. Should I explore this further or postpone until I feel like I'm whole again....and when will that ever be? Opinions, ladies?

Marcella

Positivepower11

Marcella ,

My advice would be look for a partner when you feel good about yourself. If you do so now then what the heck. The man may find BC hard to deal with but if you haven't tried something you never know if you could have succeeded or not.

Good luck and I am sure there will be a suitable partner for you at the right time.

aqua2

MarcellaPa, go for it now. You have no guarantee of getting better or being better, the person finds you where you are and vice versa. For those that feel alone, I found what I call my chemo buddies while receiving chemo . They are with you during the hours of chemo, comparing notes about our conditions, our shared doctors, etc. I completed my chemo and rads in 2014 and am still close to my c-buddies. Supportive partners aren't guaranteed with having a partner.

At my chemo facility, the patients (or their families) brought in food, a local grocer brought in flowers, a clothier brought in fleece caps, a son of a cancer patient brought in canvas bags that had blankets, t-shirts, letters from school children, lotion and other items. My point is that I had great friends and family who sprang into action, but no one but no one has touched me like my fellow cancer patients who where with me while getting chemo. They understood most.

Those who are alone, please reach out to those fellow patients, accept their overtures, their family members will come to know you as well. One of my chemo buddies is having knee surgery tomorrow, I'll be taking her food by the end of the week. She does not know this and has not asked, she too has a lot of support. I'm paying forward my good fortune in having what were strangers add to my life.

I have a special kind of love for my fellow BC survivors, message me-if you'd like to talk.

Mom4four

I am having difficulty because my sister who has been the one to take me to my oncology and mastectomy appointments, doesn't think I should do reconstruction. So it is hard when she questions me and makes comments. I try to ignore but since she is the best support I have right now ...idk. I think I will look into the ACS rides...that might help.

ChemicalWorld

Runner70, this was my experience as well. While I had a couple of friends who checked in on me from time to time with phone calls or emails, I went through the majority of chemo alone, and much like you describe, everything around the house that needed doing, I did myself. It was very hard (harder than I let on at the time). My family does not live nearby. I had many low moments where I ended up crying over my washing machine or nearly passing out in the driveway while trying to clear snow off my steps. Housework was extremely limited to what I was able to do. Which wasn't much. I usually had a good week within my treatments and I spent that trying to get out a bit, getting groceries and cooking to stock the fridge for my next round of treatment. (where were all those casseroles people seem to think your fridge fills with?)

While I had contact with the "outside world", I went long stretches of time without seeing anyone too, especially in those 7-10 days post-chemo, because I didn't leave the house. With a few exceptions, I often did not reach out for help either because I was too concerned about bothering people or quite honestly, sometimes too sick. It gives me the willies a little sometimes when I think back on it all. I don't think I realized fully at the time that I was doing myself no favors.

Don't worry about venting, in fact you should vent. This stuff is so hard ! Plus I think the more smiley faces we put on for others, means that this is all the more likely to catch up with us emotionally and psychologically afterwards.

Eleanora23

Yeah and congrats that you are finished !

I have a good deal of respect for you Runner and appreciate that you posted. I, too, live alone, work at home so have basically no colleagues to be in touch with, and my family that does live nearby wants nothing to do with helping the "auntie" since I guess it isn't about THEM this time. I wondereed too if others have gone through the same. So I do not think you are whining, and you certainly have the right to express any feelings you need to express. Authenticity is a good characteristic...and whatever you feel like living through this is what YOU feel like.

I just started Chemo Monday and today I am feeling it, not horribly but I am pushing myself and and I "feel alone" I hope the next three months are very doable that is all I hope. I know there is basically no one (or very few) that would could dare to speak to openly about having a hard time, and I tend to be a wear my emotional on my sleeve kind of person. I cry hard and I laugh hard and I try to be geniune.

Now am now thinking that I might call one of those help lines to find a social worker or someone who might understand with the talking part. As for tasks I have no ideas. . But as for the "daily tasks" you mentioned, I understand. I found someone to pay to come by to help me with litter boxes, and with other tasks if I down the line need help. but she showed up at my house I think high and in a very angry mood, scolded me (I was in front of PC trying to do my job) for not having the proper cleaning supplies, scolded me for my tub not draining fast enough (not kidding she was really angry) and I tell you, the whole scenario should be comical, perhaps tommorrow it will be. I said "Thank you!" to the universe for the help, and a nut case showed up. So I am going this alone. All this is really very surreal because I think i have been there for others, I ask about others, I have asked my friend with SPring allergies more about her allergies than she has about me.

You did it !! Good for you... now you can inspire others like me! Best, Ellie

How I wish I had someone here to come to an appointment with me, hang out with me, have a haircutting party with me, do Karaoke. offer to help... Wow this is making me sad to think of all this, I m gonna go to the gym and try lift some weights and pray the SE stay not too notable.

Hopefloatsinyyc

6 days til operating day....struggled here and there but I think I'm ok. Talked to a breast cancer psychologist today (offered as part of supportive care and covered by our health care system)... She had me make a list of all the people who have offered to help in some way, and provide that list to a friend who I trust. That person will create a data base they will manage for people who are willing to drop off a meal, drive to an appointment or grab the kids for a play date... Or anything in between. Then- when I need help I just let her know, and she rallies the troops from the list. As someone that is a giver and terrible at asking for help, this was a good solution. It felt good to have this plan in place. I don't think I would have felt comfortable reaching out to people until I got a "yeah sure"... This way I won't know how many "no's" come from people who said they would step up but end up not helping at all.

I talked a long time to her about my feeling angry for having to go through this alone... That its not the same to have friends who say they will be there- that it's not the same as the feeling of a partner with you through the rough moments where you don't want to ask for help... And just want to cry next to someone or reach out and feel them there. She had no recommendations for that- but even her acknowledging it and giving me permission/validating that those feelings are fair and understandable seemed to help. I ended my session feeling lighter somehow- and that's a step in the right direction.

QueenSansaStark

I was diagnosed nine years ago - only child, never married, no kids, dad in a care home and mom too frail, and, TBH, too selfish to be a real help. I had wonderful loving friends who did what they could - drove me to surgery and my first chemo - but almost all had jobs and families of their own, so no dancing attendance on me like a partner could.

My oncologist and care team were all about "get help to change the cat box, get help for this, that and the other thing" - tough tamales, I had to do it all myself and I did! I wore a mask and gloves to change the cat box, got a housecleaner to clean my condo, and just sucked it up and dealt. Luckily, I lived in a condo (no yard work) and it doesn't snow where I live!

It will be 10 years next February and here I still am. I got through it and I know you will, too. It's great if one has a helpful partner, but it's not a personal failing if you don't. And if your partner is NOT helpful, that's just another millstone around your neck!

Runner70

all of you are awesome and thank you for responding. Isn't it interesting how many people tell you to let you know if you need anything but end up doing nothing? Friends are great, absolutely wonderful. But they aren't at my house late at night when I cry. I'm finished with the worst part, I think. I never want to do chemo again! I'm still having so much leftover muscle and tendon pain I can barely stand it. I start radiation tomorrow. All while holding on to the hope that this is all good enough. I've actually decided to keep my port awhile just in case this comes back. I'm tired of having surgery!

Queen- your avator. I have 2 ragdoll kitties that look just like your avator. Is that a ragdoll or Siamese

QueenSansaStark

Hi Runner - yes, that is my ragdoll Daenerys! Can you tell I'm a huge Game of Thrones fan?

There is a lot more out there as far as support is concerned, than there was when I was going through treatment back in '07. There are treatment and caregiver apps now - including ones that can help your friends help you, by coordinating rides, meals, etc. - when I was in treatment I still used a flip phone! The app era was in its infancy.

There should be a social worker, or maybe a nurse coordinator, where you are getting treatment, that can help put you in contact with services. It all depends on the area, what is out there - I was able to get some housecleaning, yoga, and Reiki, but not rides to treatment or much else. If there's no funding then all but the neediest cases get triaged out, and if you have a job and no kids then bupkis for you - BUT there is usually something from somewhere that you are eligible for.

Pulling for you! This cancer crapola will be in your "rear view mirror" before you know it!

Firefly63

Yes, it sucks to go through this alone!  I had a partner, I thought, when I was dx with stage III bc about a year 1/2 ago.  We had been living together for 3 years, I was helping to raise his step-grandson (who's parents and grandmother had abandoned him), I worked full time and paid for all my own needs...he is a millionaire farmer who bragged to me constantly how much money he makes.  I was unable to continue working my very physical job during treatments, and was forced to quit and go on CPP disability.  It does not pay me enough to cover my bills.  He refused to help me financially.  His version of "being there" for me consisted of him driving me to appointments, when he HAD to.  He never looked at me, hugged me, touched me, or gave me words of encouragement through surgery, 6 months of chemo, and 6 weeks of radiation. He called me "funny looking" when I was hairless.  He lost his grandmother to bc.  His sister was undergoing treatment for bc when I met him, she is now terminal.  He told me many stories of how it was "their" fault they got cancer, it was their fault if they died.  He refuses to give his sister and her family financial help, they have asked strangers.  All throughout my treatments, I had to get up at 6am to get the kid ready for school, clean the house, do the dishes and vacuuming, and weed and water gardens.  He refused to buy food I liked.  He complained about me "sitting around" when I was too tired and worn out from treatments to do much else.  He and his son decided to start a new business venture during my treatments, adding more stress to an already stressful situation.  I packed and left in April, the day his 26 year old son called me a "freeloading c**t" after I had given 4 years of my life to raising a child who was not mine in any way.  I wish I had left when I was first diagnosed!!  He made me feel ugly, worthless, untouchable, and treated me as if I was useless.  Two days after I left, he was crying his eyes out, begging for another chance, telling me how wrong he was, offering to marry me.  And I was supposed to forgive him??  I was supposed to believe he would change??  Yes, I am lonely.  Yes, I wish I had someone beside me.  But being with the wrong man is definitely worse than any of that!

I wish I could find women on here that lived in my area.  It would be so nice to be part of a support group of bc survivors so we could get together in person to help each other.  I have looked online, but cannot find such a group.  I have wonderful friends, but they are too busy with their jobs and families to talk to me.

Runner70

firefly- I wish you had someone near you too. Your post made me tear up. You are incredibly strong to pack up and leave that man. You don't need that verbal abuse ever and he sounds incredibly selfish and incapable of a loving, nurturing relationship. Change is hard and I hope you do what's in your best interest. I've always felt that it's worse to be in a relationship and still be lonely than it is to be single and lonely. You have better days ahead.

Queen- thanks for your advice. I have a good job and would never qualify for any services. I don't need any really. I've worked and stayed active throughout most of my chemo. It would just be nice to have someone at home to get things for me when I'm too tired. And snuggles would be good, too! Lol. The worst part is over and now I'm about 1/3 finished with radiation. Everyone at work has been so good to me. I'm an anesthesiologist and our group is so busy but all my partners and surgeons have been very caring and have made it clear if I need to take some leave, they'll manage without me.

I hope everyone has a good week!

kaceyr0423

I'm sorry you are all alone. I do have grown children, divorced after 25 years, and also have a 4 year old. However, I too, am on my own through this struggle. I have family and friends who have all said " you are not alone, we will be here" but when the time came, they weren't. I know how much that sucks. I've always been proud of how strong and independent I am, but this is one time in my life I really needed people to lean on. I happened upon this site by accident while trying to figure out my oncotype score, and I'm really glad I did. It's nice to at least see other people's stories and have a place to vent. I have learned so much about treatment as well. Hang in there, and reach out....there really are a lot of resources available.

Katymac

I'm single too Runner. I have an 11 year old and a 13 year old that I am raising alone as their Dad lives out of town and doesn't help out at all. My own father is super supportive though and helps out a lot, which I'm very thankful for. I also have a great group of friends/coworkers who are wonderful. I hear you and can relate. Best wishes ❤️

Moderators

Hi Katymac, and welcome to Breastcancer.org!

This thread has been quiet for quite a while -- but we'd love to invite you over to the Singles With Breast Cancer forum, where you can meet many others who are going through breast cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery without a partner. You may be single, but you're not alone! We're all here for you.

Welcome, and we hope this helps!

--The Mods