Looking for Wisdom

3-16-2011

Hi Everyone

I have gotten so much support and wisdom here in regards to my mother's death, thank you all. Now I risk over sharing and being greedy to ask for some wisdom in regards to the upcoming funeral.

My oldest sister and I have struggled in our relationship. When my mother was still living at home and needing care and I was going through chemo and radiation, she disappointed me in not taking on care responsibilities. I am bitter and want to find a way to rise above. So many people have reached out to me with my stage 4 dx but this sister has been silent and it hurts. I have two other sisters who are fabulous supports. One of them tells me to just take care of my side of the street and let my older sister be.

Please help me with your wisdom and thoughts. Her service is June 25 and I am getting anxious.

50sgirl

Mary,

I am so sorry you are having this issue. You have so much to bear including your stage IV diagnosis and the recent loss of your mother. Your sister's reactions to things are adding an addition layer of stress. Of course I don't know your sister, so I will try to pull in some things from my own personal experience.

We are all different, and some of us can handle stress and crises better than others, or at least differently. I have six sons. When I told them about my diagnosis last year, they all handled it differently. One, in particular, seemed to withdraw from the situation and never wants to talk about it. He is a very sensitive person, but he likes to keep things inside. My DH and I recently had dinner with him and his wife. My daughter-in-law asked some questions about my tx and health status. As I was answering, I glanced at my son, and he was sitting with his head down and his hands covering his face. He just doesn't want to face this. He is a college professor with a PhD, yet, in this case, he doesn't want to deal with this situation. I cannot fault him for the way he feels. I know he cares. It just causes him to our much pain to express it. Perhaps your sister is bit like my son. Maybe withdrawal and denial are her way of dealing with things right now.

I think you have three choices. You can keep or distance from your sister, confront her, or accept her for what she is. Family is family, warts and all. Do you want her in your life? We on these boards know that life is precious and way too short. If you love her in spite of everything and want her in your life, you just might have to accept her and forgive her for her weaknesses and give her a hug or something. Only you can decide.

I probably haven't helped. I am sure others will give you advice.

Hugs and prayers,

Lynne

50sgirl

Mary,

I want to add something to my response. If you choose to keep your distance from your sister, that is okay. It is not up to you to solve everyone's problems. Do not add more stress to your life by trying to repair a relationship that won't benefit you in the long run. Live your life in the way that will make you the happiest. As I said, life is short. You are important.

Lynne

3-16-2011

thanks Lynn

I don't know what choice I will make but your spelling it out was really helpful

Mary

50sgirl

I hope some wiser people weigh in, too. I know this isn't easy for you

Lynnwood1960

I also have sister issues so this hits home with me. I agree with Lynne. Do not feel obligated to have a relationship with your sister. She did not feel obligated to help you with your mother when you were struggling. After many attempts to work things out with my sister before my stage 4 diagnosis, I learned that the issues are her problem and not mine. Once I got diagnosed stage 4 I got a tearful voicemail from my sister (after6years) telling me she wanted a relationship. Why now, because she thinks I am dying? I guess she didn't want a living sister, just a dying sister. I did not respond. I do not need drama in my life and have plenty of love and support. I love her but will love her from a distance. No hard feelings or bitterness. Remember...when people show you who they are, believe them.

3-16-2011

Thanks Lynnwood

I like the idea of loving from afar because it protects me from the drama.

Thanks

Mary

artistatheart

Mary, I also have 3 sisters who have all reacted to my dx differently. My oldest sis calls about once a month to check on me. She has always played a bit of a mother roll to us all. My middle sister I haven't heard from at all. I think like Lynne says, she is just super sensitive to the whole idea and has her head buried in the sand. It is VERY hurtful that she does not call but I guess I understand. My youngest sister called once so far, and we talked for maybe 3 or 4 minutes, then she said her "friend" was at the door so she had to go......hurtful again. I don't really understand how people, especially my own family, can be so distant and seem to have no compassion for me. I wonder all the time if they know what mental hell I am going through? I have questioned whether they love me much which makes me cry. Although I put on my brave and happy voice for everyone all the time to amke things more comfortable for them. I could never ignore my sister if she was going through the same thing. And as much as it would devastate me to know of her illness I would suck it up and call. As far as seeing your sister at the funeral I see myself anyway as being cordial but standoff-ish until or if she makes the first move.

3-16-2011

artisattheheart

I so relate to what you have written. I do feel the need to put on the brave face. You have made me feel less alone. Thank you

Mary

Holeinone

3/16/2011,

Has this sister always been self-centered ? I would also be very upset if I experienced what you did with your dying Mom, and no help from a healthy sibling. I cut my brother out of my life, still see him every 5 years or so, at my sisters. He is not welcome in my home, especially now, being dx stage 4 & in tx. He has always been self absorbed. Always had a chip on the shoulder.

Artistatheart,

Sorry that your 2 sisters are also selfish. You are coming up on your one year date since dx. I cannot imagine why they can't be an adult & communicate with you. I realize it's hard for some to deal with scary stuff, but that's no excuse. Also, they are not modeling empathy & compassion to there kiddos. ( if they have them )

Ok, my rant is over.....sorry if I sound cranky....

GG27

Mary, I have no real words of wisdom for you, but this is my family story. I haven't spoken to my only brother in 18 years. I can never live up to his expectations, so I have chosen to not have any contact. He isn't a person that I like or would ever consider being friends with. I don't believe that he knows about my cancer. When it was discovered that I was stage IV, I cut a number of people out of my life. I couldn't take on their shit, whether not calling or sad faces or pity calls. I don't know what to suggest to you, you've had tons of really good advice & I think you have some time to figure out the best strategy for you. This should be only about you, but too, I wanted to let you know that you have my support. ((hugs)) dee

3-16-2011

Thanks GG and Holeinone.

I have had so many emotions in regards to my sister disappointment, frustration, anger, hurt ect. We shared a room growing up and we were close through high school and college. But in our adult life it has been difficult especially when I was first dx with bc and my mother began to struggle with alzhiemers.

So as I have absorbed all the kindness and wisdom here, my plan is to keep my distance and respond with kindness. My sister has choosen not to participate in the planning of the service, but if past history repeats itself, she will share concerns and judgements. My mantra is to say thank you and walk away. Wish me luck and peace.

Mary

DivineMrsM

3-16, i agree with your sister: take care of your side of the street and let your sister be. Sometimes it's best to accept that some relationships can not be resolved. It is better to learn to have a certain amount of detachment from the situation instead of always trying to find some kind of solution. Sometimes there simply is no solution or resolution.


My husband's sister is difficult to deal with. She is the type to take the most innocent of words and twist them into something she claims is meant to attack her. There is no winning. She has sent numerous messages to dh and I but we chose to not engage with her. Dh has taken care of their now 87 year old mother for 40 years and his sister won't lift a finger to help. Yet her last message was about why we couldn't be one big happy family like her husband's. Clearly her own mind is twisted.

My condolences on the loss of your mother.

50sgirl

Mary,

I think you are making a wise decision. Your sister's behavior is not your fault in any way, and you should not let it have a negative impact on your life. You are a strong, kind, giving woman. Always remember that.

My sincere wishes of peace, luck, and love are yours. We are always here for you.

Lynne

Lynne