it gets better

Anonymous

it gets better

lovestorun

I'm a bit remiss in my annual posting. When I first found my way to BCO, I told myself I would write in from time to time with an update. For me, at least, it was helpful to hear from people on the other side. It gets better. Or for me it has.

Three years ago last week I finished radiation for DCIS. As I'm fond of saying, it was a scary and confusing time. It's not lost on me today that that anniversary - a date I was convinced was etched in my mind much like those little pinpoint tattoos on my chest - came and passed without notice. Were it not for a calendar notation, I would have thought it any other ordinary day. HONEST.

At my two-year anniversary, I posted here and noted that I am not someone who went through surgery, radiation and Tamoxifen (which I'm still on), and came out on the other side totally grateful for the experience. (Am I bitter about it? Nope). Looking back, three years later, it was just something I went through. Did it change me? You bet. Some good, some bad, and I still struggle with the latter. I am still me, maybe just a little bit moreso if that makes any sense.

I had a kick-a&% surgeon and I barely notice my surgical scar. Every once in a while I will see the scar in a mirror and think "oh, yeah....RIGHT." I've taken up yoga which has been a great gift, physically and mentally. It has worked wonders on the stiffness in my side that was a steady bother the year following treatment. I was an avid runner before DCIS and run consistently still, unless I'm injured. I like that I'm in a place where the things keeping me sidelined are from overtraining / stupidity, and not DCIS treatment. There was that attempt to trail run where I learned that I could not, in fact, defy gravity. Rock: 1; knee & pride: 0. And the humility of being told by a doctor that my shoulder 'injury' was not significant - just a combination of, ummm, maturity and too much snow shoveling....I run more for fun now vs. chasing personal records; this is not a byproduct of DCIS. Truth be told, I am getting a little older and slowing down a little, as often happens. Oddly, I like that too.

I am more direct in my personal relationships; this is both good and bad. I am better able to say 'no' and have it be a complete sentence. This is good. I am closer to my family. This is also good.

Do I still think about DCIS and worry about recurrence? Yes. As often as I used to? No. Do I sometimes forget about it altogether - actually, yes.

So here it is, three years later, and what advice to I have for getting through? Hmmm. I looked at what I wrote last year on this, and even now, it is still much the same:

"I wish I had great advice for getting through. I don't. Okay, well, maybe this: Eat your vegetables. Try to get a little exercise if you are able. Laugh. Cry. When the weather warms, plant some flowers or a shrub that will bring you joy each year it blooms. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Some friends will be there for you; others will not. The latter can be disappointing and painful - focus on the ones who are there, as well as the kindness of strangers. Remember to breathe."

I ran across a quote the other week that resonated with me. It reads: "All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." DCIS will no doubt test your mix. Let the people around you in, and you will find your balance.

I wish you all well.

pam5619

hello lovestorun i have the same dx as u i was diagnosis. On may 2016 getting ready to start radiation. Like u said its scary but i have faith i can do it. Thank u for your post. I do believe. It gets better.

ORknitter

Loves, thanks for posting this. I am past my 1 year diagnosis and approaching 1 year from rads. I actually have become "comfortable" with myself now, don't care about my little dot tattoos or that my breasts a different. The only thing I don't like is I think I have become more serious, I think harder about choices so not as spontaneous. And I have certainly found that a couple of friends were not as close as I thought, but others are much closer, that was a surprise.

I look forward to the day when I go to bed and can say "Wow, cancer didn't enter my mind today!"

myToyStory2

Awesome update, Loves! Thanks for the honest and inspiring words about your journey!

Beebazboob

Thanks for post lovestorun! Good to hear it gets easier. On the eve of my lumpectomy I sit here trying to contain my nerves and anxiousness. Just starting this journey and looking forward to the day when it's not the first thing I think of when I wake up - after thinking of it most of the nght - and all day for that matter. I have a great husband by my side helping me stay positive. Also caring for an elderly parent with Dementia. Feeling like...really? I'm not even 50 yet...can't I catch a break? But then feeling grateful that it's stage 0 and feeling like that IS my break! I need to LIVE and have some happiness! I see what's possibly down the pike in my 80s (Dementia) Got to make these next 25 years remarkable!

Kkubsky

I am so glad to read something like this. I am 3 months post radiation and trying to move on but having a hard time of it. I am hoping time will help me let go of my anxiety and fears. Thanks for posting!!!