Seeing Myself for the First Time

WifeMomTeacher

Any suggestions on seeing yourself for the first time? My surgery was Thursday morning, I came home yesterday, and I will be showering and changing my dressing today. I haven't looked at anything yet. I'm 29 and chose not to do reconstruction right away, and have yet to decided if I will at all late on. My tumor was very large and my breasts small, so I had to have a mastectomy with nipple removal, and I was taken completely flat. I don't know what to expect and frankly I am almost more afraid of what I'll see and think than anything I've faced yet. (Even though that doesn't make much sense I'm sure.)

farmerlucy

Hi WifeMomTeacher - I don't really have any answers. I was not shocked to see myself for the first time, my first thought was that it looked pretty good, although I was filled to 200 cc. My DD is a nurse so she had the first look with me. I think she lended an air of medical curiousity to it so that was helpful. Do you have anyone helping you with the dressings? Maybe they can lend moral support. You'll get through this too. Step by step. The ladies on breastfree.org look great and I'll bet you will too. It will certainly be different, but as in all things cancer, it is what it is. Gentle hug.

Janett2014

I just couldn't look all at once. In the hospital, every time a dr. or nurse would look at my wound andor change a bandage I would kind of peek. That way I had several little looks before the big one. It kind of softened the blow.

Denise-G

I covered the bottom half of my mirrors with paper but left a small edge around the sides so I could peak when I was ready.

It was very helpful to me as I felt more in control.

ElaineTherese

I had a lumpectomy, but my first thought was: have you seen pictures of other mastectomy patients, without reconstruction? That might help you mentally yourself prepare for your own situation. Gentle hugs! Hope your recovery goes smoothly.

mustlovepoodles

My heart breaks for you--29 is so young to have to be dealing with breast cancer.

I didn't have trouble looking at the scars, initially. The drains were a PITA, and I sorta had to look at the area in order to care for them. My problems came a week later, when a large amount of tissue suddenly died and had to be removed--now THAT was pretty awful. I'm so glad that I didn't have reconstruction, because I would have lost it all. But, thankfully, my experience is uncommon. I know a lot of women who have had BC and NONE of them have had the complications that I have had.

I hope your scars didn't look too bad. Everyone here understands the fear that accompanies these radical surgeries and no one expects you to get over it quickly.

debiann

Whatever your scars look like now, know that they will improve in time. They will get flatter and fade. I did use the scar cream on mine, can't remember the name, but you can buy it over the counter. Also, even if you don't want a full reconstruction, a plastic surgeon can fill in the low spots with fat grafting.

Hoping you heal quickly!

Tresjoli2

wifemomteacher...i did not have a mastectomy, but I was very worried about the reveal. I also didn't want my husband to see. So I asked my mom to help me. She was awesome, and I bawled. And bawled...and bawled. So, I think it's important to just let yourself feel. What I will say is that what I looked like when the dressing came off, and what I looked like weeks later were very different.

I realize our experiences are different, but I wanted you to know that worrying about the reveal (and reacting to it) are totally normal

SuC

First thing I did when I got back to my hospital room was have a peep. My husband helped me with my first shower - no issue for either of us. He loves me for more than my body. I am still the same person he married. Now 3 years on I have a lovely tattoo to fill the blank space, no recon for me, no more surgery please

monicammoriah

Hi Wifemomteacher-

I was so happy to see this question posed. You might have seen me on the May surgery board. (I'm so proud of all of our surgery sisters!)

When I first got on the board, I was so surprised at the number of women who said that they are not attached to their breasts. I know there is no judgment from them or vice versa, but for whatever reason, I began feeling ashamed about the sadness that I'm going to feel losing a part of me. My surgery is on Tuesday, and I am SO scared. I don't use that word often, but as each morning grows closer, I find myself in a panic. In face, just this morning I woke up and thought "I can just run away."

Now my rational mind tells me that all of this is ridiculous. There's a dangerous lesion in my body, albeit "baby cancer," and it needs to go. But this other side of me, I guess what I'll call the superficial side, is really really scared to 1) see myself post-surgery; 2) let my husband and see me post surgery; and 3) learn how I feel about the new me (I'm very worried about the emotion toll this will take on me). All of that said, I've really struggled with how to go about looking at myself post-surgery. One of our May sisters said that she didn't intend to look at all. I might take that route myself.

So- I totally understand your question, and I bet there are lots of other women who feel the same way.

One of our May sisters posted this link last night. I was happy to see it, as it made me feel validated in my feelings of loss:

http://nancyspoint.com/things-we-arent-supposed-to-say-about-mastectomies-reconstruction-breasts/

Beatmon

I walked into the restroom and looked as soon as I got back to my room. It wasn't such a shock for me...my grandmother had breast cancer and I'm a nurse. But it might help if you look at pics. Good luck.

Brenda E.

mustlovepoodles

monicamoriah, I felt very sad at the prospect of losing my breasts, even though I'm 59. I'm well past the babies & breastfeeding stage of my life, so they really didn't serve any practical purpose. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling of grief at losing a precious part of me. The night before my surgery, I actually when in the bathroom by myself, and said good-bye to my breasts. I thanked them for nourishing my babies and providing love & comfort to my husband. I told them that I would miss them, but that I needed to let them go so that I could live. The next day I was surprisingly calm in the pre-op area. I had finished my mourning and was ready to get on with it.

That doesn't mean that I didn't also grieve after my surgery. I had a very difficult road to recovery and at one point got so anxious and depressed that my doctor diagnosed me with PTSD. She put me on a medication that helped me regain control of my emotions and I have done very well. I still miss my breasts, but the longer I go with no breasts, the less I feel like having reconstruction. I'm not going to make any decision about that until next January. Right now, it's still too fresh and I want to be absolutely sure of myself when I make a final decision.

Anonymous

WifeMomTeacher,

I think you will be surprised at how well you will deal with all of this. I had my operation just over a week ago and I have been amazed at the strength and bravery I never even knew I had. Breasts are great when they are behaving but when not then they need to be taken in hand and dealt with, whatever that might mean. I have always had a lovely cleavage and always showed it off, however as I went into my operation, I genuinely only cared about being rid of this cancer and had no real interest in what was left behind. I had only a lumpectomy, but already I can see that my nipple is not the same one I used to have and it most likely won't ever be...but I really do not care.

Be kind to yourself and know that you are coping well and your body will get there eventually. In many parts of the world today not so many are lucky enough to have the access to the care that we have. We should be thankful that we have had the diseases cut from our bodies. I would myself go straight for the looking at your breast immediately. It has been your breast for a good number of years and it needs you now. Whatever is left of it, be caring and good to it.

This may sound very weird but, I have taken to stroking my left breast every day and telling her that she is going to be very well soon and that she will look amazing soon too and that I still love her very much. I whisper this several times a day to my lovely amazing wonderful breast because in my wee head I think my poor wee breast needs to hear this in order to get better as soon as possible.

You will look great and should look at the breast as soon as you can.

Jacklin

WifeMomTeacher, like you, I wondered how I would handle the post-op look. I did look online and saw some mastectomy photos and that certainly helped. I found that before my surgery, I would look at myself in the mirror and imagine the post-surgical scars. Thankfully a friend of mine who had a BMX 6 weeks before me told me that not only would I be flat, but that it would also be concave, something I hadn't seen on any online photos. I had a very difficult time saying goodbye to my breasts, evening posting here asking how to say goodbye. I found that taking my bra off the night before surgery and taking the last shower I did a lot of crying, by myself. I also took the time to thank my breasts for having fed our children, for the cleavage they'd given me, for the fun my husband and I had together but that it was time for them to go, the cancer was not going to take over my life. I thought that post-surgery I'd be very emotional. Oddly enough, all I've felt is incredible relief that the cancer is now out of my body. It's just over 2 weeks since my BMX, and my body is still healing, the last drain was removed 3 days ago, but things are going well. I admire the beautiful incisions the surgeon made and how wonderfully they're healing, the last of the scabs are just coming off now. I would like to have reconstruction so I keep the final image in mind - this is going to be work with my husband as he doesn't want me to have any more surgery, I just want to have some cleavage, not be reminded every time I look in the mirror that I had BC.

When I woke up in the recovery room, I remember peaking under the blankets and saying "yup, she really did take them both" following instantly by the relief that the cancer was gone. Yes, I am sad at times, I really did like my natural breasts, but grieving is to be expected and I will be gentle with myself, giving myself the time I need whenever I need it.

I hope this helps you a bit. Post more questions if that helps, ok? I have found incredible support here that has been very helpful and encouraging, and sometimes gave me things to think about that I hadn't even thought of.

Edit addition - today we met with the oncologist and she told us that there was also early cancer in my right breast - I am SO glad that I had a BMX and now that relief I felt post-surgery is even bigger. There are no regrets. My feelings would not be any different if she'd told us that there was no cancer at all in the right breast. Initially I had a hard time convincing the oncologist I wanted a BMX, she was encouraging a UMX but I kept on saying "There's something going on in the right breast, I know it, I can feel it". So, listen to your body, if you feel it in your heart, then go with those feelings. Don't ignore them, ever.

WifeMomTeacher

Thank you everyone for your kindness and insight. It is so helpful to hear from ladies who understand. I haven't looked yet, but my mom who is a postoperative nurse, has changed my bandages, helped me shower, taken care of my drain, and told me everything looks good. I am still not ready, but having my mom be so supportive has helped us both so much. Sometimes I feel like my going through this at 29 is as hard on her as it is on me, and her being able to help me through it is therapeutic for both of us.

I am beyond happy to have it gone, although having surgery first without chemo or any other treatment first, I know I still have a long road ahead. I haven't had a PET scan yet, and will feel better once that's done and the pathology from the tumor and lymph nodes are back. Then I feel like I can focus more on the cancer being GONE and less on what it's like to have one boob before 30. What a roller coaster ride this is, and it's only been 6 weeks since I noticed my lump.

Anonymous

Are you having reconstruction?

Peppin

Hello WifeMom Teacher

I remember being afraid of looking at myself in the first few weeks. I avoided looking for a while. I was happy that I had foam prosthesis which I wore even as I was leaving hospital in an old loose bra over the surgical bra I had to wear. With those I felt I looked normal. I had large breasts so it was a major difference not to have anything at all. After 6 weeks I could wear proper prostheses. I had tissue expanders inserted a few months after. I felt better with the recon. I now have implants - they are not like real breasts, but at least they are something and in a bra no one would guess what I've been through. It took a while for my husband to be able to see and to touch. That was hard for me. I wanted to feel accepted but I think he was afraid and did not quite know what to do. Eventually I took control.

Be kind to yourself. Cry when you need to. I passed through a grieving process. It is normal to do so. It might not happen now. For me it got somewhat worse when treatment was over. Get help if you feel you need it - it sure helped me a lot to go to therapy. I still feel the loss, but it is more manageable.

 

BlueHeron

Hello, wifemomteacher,

I too have/had smaller breasts (about a B?), and had a unilateral mx without recon in January. I have no intention to do reconstruction for a million reasons.

At first I was concerned that I would really hate the asymmetry, and wondered if I should have done both. But as it turns out, I don't hate it. When I'm naked, it really doesn't seem that asymmetrical, I think because I have one medium/small breast, and one big badass scar . Sort of balances out visually. My surgeon did a very nice job, I'm flat with no bumps or lumps. When I'm clothed, sometimes I wear a prosthesis and sometimes I don't. It depends on what I'm wearing. Simple t-shirts call for prosthesis, but other clothes are camouflaging enough that I don't feel I need it. Also, look into Genie bras they are SO amazingly comfy, and work either with or without a prosthesis.

At this point, I'm glad I have one natural breast. I feel like I still sort of look like "me" and I still have sensation. I don't feel the need or desire for more surgery (I hated surgery!) for a breast that I will never be able to feel, and I don't want to risk all the complications. I'm happily back to all the things I enjoy, like tennis and kayaking, and I don't want more recovery and risk of messing up my function.

Anyway, that's my story, I know everyone is different. I found looking at pictures beforehand was helpful. And my first look at me was powerful but not surprising.

Big, big gentle hugs, and wishes for a smooth recovery

Lily55

I really don´t think you can compare a lumpectomy with a lot of breast left behind to a mutilating mastectomy where you are left with nothing. Its a completely different and more disfiguring experience, an amputation in fact...........and I am not trying to say a lumpectomy is nothing as it is also disfiguring but a transfer of fat could solve that...... 

Anonymous

Hi Lily,

I was in no way trying to say that a lumpectomy was the same as a mastectomy. I was merely tying to help out by suggesting that no matter what op any of us has or is about to have, surely the main thing is to get rid of the cancer. I cannot imagine how I would feel if I was having a mastectomy right now, I would hope to be as brave as the majority of women on the site appear to have all been.