Husband of newly diagnosed Wife with Breast Cancer.

tryinghard7654

Wife moved out 1.5 years mostly cause I got caught up in my own problems and did not notice hers. I worked hard to change and 6 months ago things started getting better. 3 months ago things started getting amazing between us and 2 months ago started talking about moving back in together. No kids yet.

2 Weeks ago she found a lump and is only 34 so did not think it was anything. Found out it was Invasive Lobular Carcinoma grade 1 that has spread to at least 2 lymphonodes in armpit from biopsy results. Just struggling with how to support her. I have promised i would be there every step of the way and my family will be there too. We meet with a surgeon on Thursday. They are doing a test now to see if its hereditary and a test to see how likely it is to come back.

I totally love her and want to do what ever I can but I know I can not fix this. I try to listen as best I can and take notes at all drs appointments. The time between appointments seems so far to be the worse. Some times she is very optimistic some times she is just totally scared and depressed. Sometimes its about possibly losing a breast sometimes about losing lymph nodes or hair or dying.

I know I can not understand what she is going though and not sure how to cheer her up or if I should even try. I feel optimistic she will get though this but when she gets down it pulls me down and makes it hard for me to be optimistic. Its been 10 days of straight time with either her or work. I feel like maybe I should take a small break but I don't want her to feel I am abandoning her. Two months ago I would have been so happy to have her spend this much time with me, never thought it would be under these circustances.

Traveltext

I'm a guy with breast cancer, so I know what she's going through. You've made a great start helping her by being with her for medical appointments. My partner helped this way, and it makes a big difference to talk through medical procedures with someone close. If you want to help her further over the next year, tell her so. This may ease her mind and understand that she's not alone. If she agrees to this, then why not take your small break now so that you can both think things over.

Both of you need to learn what you'll be going through for her type of breast cancer and prepare for the different treatments. They can be gruelling but not always. My oncologist always said, don't have any preconceived notions about any treatment stage, take them as they come and do your best.

This forum is packed with people in your wife's situation, so read though the posts and learn as much as you can. Ask questions and you'll find support all around the way.

Good luck with whatever you both decide.

tryinghard7654

I did not mean take a break I just meant take a couple hours off. Just to de-stress a little.

Thanks for the advice.

Grazy

Dear tryinghard - it IS hard, for sure and small breaks apart are necessary - it just can't be all cancer, all the time, or you'll both lose your minds. All I want from my husband is his support and encouragement now and then, but mainly I like to keep our home life pretty normal. At the beginning, he made sure he went to every appointment from biopsy to onc appointments, which you're doing too. He works in oncology (the business side of) so we don't tend to have overly "emotional" conversations about cancer, more scientific - I go to my close friends if I want to talk things out and I find the various forums on here incredibly helpful now and then. Your wife might find them helpful. too. There's always somebody experiencing what I am that day or can offer advice or encouragement because he or she has been through it. My husband will fight a losing battle if he ever tries to keep up emotionally with me because he couldn't possibly know what's in my head from day to day - I'm sure he'd end up feeling very frustrated trying to keep up. So, I think you're doing things right so far. Encourage her to start talking to some people on the discussion boards here (it's safe and there's no commitment) or perhaps she might like to find a support group. Her oncologists offices will have connections.

My husband also did little things at the beginning like just bringing me flowers (cliche but it works everytime for me, lol), my favorite wine or takeout. We distracted ourselves with movies (comedies), went out for dinner with friends, while we were waiting for results. The first while when you're waiting for 'this test' or 'that result' are very the hardest -- the not knowing -- but once she has all her information and a plan is put in place, things go quicker and settle down. (That's been my experience anyway.) There is a board on here somewhere for husbands, maybe you'd find that helpful too.

Traveltext

Yes, certainly you should take time off. Often it's the carer's who go to pieces as much as the patients, so carers need all the rest and support they can get. The husband's forum is HERE.

Jennyannk73

It sounds like you are doing just exactly what she needs. She will likely feel strong some days and terrified others ...especially at first. Then you both get strong and ready to rumble! True, it's not for the faint of heart, but going through this together can really cement your rediscovered love !

Take a little time for you too. When another visitor comes is a great time to excuse yourself for a little break. It's not bad at all....I personally believe Cancer is hardest on the family. As a patient I control what I am willing to do, but family just gets to ride along and worry worry worry!

You might do what my hubby and I did to prepare for my chemo.....It might seem silly but we prepared all of our future meals (dinner only) and froze things for the pressure cooker, slow cooker, and oven. It was a GREAT thing to do because it cut out almost all cooking time when I was too tired to cook, and helped us avoid takeout garbage food. I think we made about 40 in two days time. Plus it was nice to do it together, and incidently saved us a bundle since we bought in bulk for the big prep day.

I will keep you both in my prayers!

Jenny O.

tryinghard7654

Thanks for the replies very very very helpful I will check out the husband forum.

tryinghard7654

Its interesting you mentioned the food preperation. She just mentioned the same thing to me today!!!I Its a great idea. Even though I have family who will bring food over. She wanted to feel comfortable and know she could eat her own cooking when she wanted with out spending a lot of time because she might be tired.