Heartbroken

forher23

My mom is going to have her second chemo this Friday. I've been so sad. So sad and heartbroken. I wish that it was me that got it instead of her. I wish so badly that I can go through all the pain for her. before she went in for her mastectomy, I prayed to whoever was listening and asked that the cancer be given to me and that the doctor will come out and say she doesn't have anything. I'm just heartbroken. Some days I feel so angry and guilty. so guilty because this is my fault. I wonder how my mom could've gotten stuck with such a crappy daughter like me. I know my mom is going through so much. and I should just not complain. But this affects me so much. I try to stay strong and focus on studying and my educational goals. I know that's what makes her happy but some days my heart hurts so bad, some days I'm angry, some days I don't feel anything because I distract myself with mindless TV.

My beautiful mom... The only person I love in this whole wide world. Why?

edwards750

daughter - don't be so hard on yourself. You and your mom are on an emotional roller coaster. It's obvious you love her and she knows it. I'm sorry she has to go through chemo. It's not a treatment anyone wants to go through but unfortunately is a treatment that promises to try and save lives.

My mother had BC but was not subjected to chemo. She did have a MX. It was many years ago. Now both my sister and I have BC. I am almost 5 years out - August this year- and my sister is a year behind me. I have IDC and my sister has ILC. I had a lumpectomy and 33 Rads treatments. My sister had a MX and no treatments. It's a crap shoot but so far so good.

It's natural you are all over the place. You have a lot on your plate. Just be there for your mom as much as you can. She understands you have to live your life too. That's not a crime. Pray for get as we will and keep the faith.

Diane

Beatmon

Dear Heartbroken, I'm so sorry that your mom is sick. I know that you are imagining your life without her. Try your best not to do this. It sounds like to me you are a loving daughter, not a crappy one as you refer to yourself as....even if there have been troubles, Moms always love you! That is what we are here for.

Maybe you could speak with a counselor wherever your education is taking place...it might help you stay focused...which you stated is a big goal for your Mom.

You sound like a sweetheart to me. Try to hang in there and come here for questions and support.

Brenda E.

forher23

Diane and Brenda, thank you for listening and responding. I was really starting to lose my mind. I deleted the post cause I don't think it's right of me to say such things. I know people may not understand, but I feel selfish for feeling this way during this time. It doesn't feel right... I have changed since my mom's 3rd diagnosis. We really thought it was over after her second time. Looking back, it was really dumb to have thought this way but no one stressed how it's never completely gone.. Her doctors didn't mention that at all. Her surgeon just told her to eat fruit and vegetables to keep cancer away (ugh). So we were both completely shocked when we were told it came back. I feel responsible because I feel like if I did my research , this wouldn't have happened. I didn't do my part as a daughter. It doesn't help that my mom is alone on the other side of the world. I wish I can visit her, cook for her, take care of her. I'm completely helpless. She keeps telling me to focus on my studies but it's really hard. I have sad thoughts- a lot of regrets and worrying. Brenda, thanks for reminding me. I definitely need counseling and will seek one after finals.

So much love to you both, Diane and Brenda. I thought of you guys since the post and it really helped me get out of my head.

Daughter of Mrs. Y