Husband and mom trying to support me but at odds with each other

laura_ingalls

Hi ladies.

First of all I am lucky to have my mother and husband here helping me. But the two are not getting along. My husband interrogates my mother about the smallest details of what she has done in the kitchen or with the three year old. She gets annoyed and complains to me. I have to tell him to stop and then he gets mad at Me.

Neither one of them seem to understand what I am going through with dose dense AC for the first time. I literally fainted out on the deck this morning and my husband helped me up but didn't seem to realize that there was a potential emergency.

How can I help my family understand? Any advice is appreciated.

Laura*

ElaineTherese

Hi Laura!

Maybe, you need to let them know HOW YOU FEEL. I did dense dose AC, and I was grateful for ANY help I got. I would get my infusion on Wednesdays, and the steroids would keep me going until Friday, when I would crash. A friend set up a network of helpers via Lots-a-Helping Hands. DH HATED getting help from others, but eventually, he accepted the fact that we really needed to swallow our pride and accept others' generosity. We couldn't do it all by ourselves! If people were willing to pick up our daughter from softball practice, who cared? Our 15 year old daughter got home safe and sound, picked up by people we knew and trusted.

Tell your husband how AC knocks you out, makes you dizzy, and (perhaps) robs you of your energy. Tell him that your Mom might not do things exactly as he wants, but that you really need her help. Look, your child is three years old. Small children, small problems. Wait until she is 14, and can get pregnant, involved with drugs and alcohol, or can participate in crimes. Perspective, please! Whatever your Mom is doing with your three year old, she won't be scarring him/her for life.

I wish you well; I had dense dose AC, and it wasn't a walk in the park. Let your husband know that you need help. It's not a sign of weakness; it's just the new reality.

PoppyK

Elaine gave you excellent advice!

To add to it, I would also suggest that you talk to your Mom. Let her know how you feel and how her complaining to you about your husband is affecting you. Remind her that your cancer is the scariest thing your husband has ever faced. Men love to fix things, but your cancer is out of his control. So he is trying to control anything he can, such as the kitchen items or the family routine. I am not using control negatively. You might find another word works for your family. Also, your mother is a grown woman who has more life experience. Perhaps she could try to keep this in perspective. Your husband is truly not criticizing her... he is releasing his frustration about something that is out of his control. While this may not be the best way to release his frustration, if your mom gains some insight and perspective, she may not take it personally.

Did you notice that I used the phrase "your cancer"? I realize that your whole family is affected, but you are fighting for your life. Remind them of this! And that you love, appreciate and need them both!

Family support groups are often available at treatment centers. Maybe look into this?

((Hugs))

laura_ingalls

thanks poppyK and Elaine.

I am trying to stay calm. I have learned silence is golden in these past few days.

I have told them numerous times what I am going through verbally. My mother is my mother after all. She has known me and my energy level my entire life and the last few days I was not myself at all.

The latest drama is that my husband thought she used Clorox wipes on our three year son. He asked me to ask her. I did clarify exactly which wipes were being used. Bc I don't want something weird happening to my son Now she is upset and making snide comments to him and me.

I am darned if I do and darned if I don't.

I really should just look on the bright side though The house is clean clean clean and maybe it will all blow over

Stix

Hi Laura. Through my experience you can tell them till your blue in the face of what you are going through. But REALISTICALLY... they sadly will never get it. Truthfully its not humanly possible to understand- and for anyone that has not gone through this. I would keep trying to explain - so that you can get their sympathy. Tell them that you are number one and it would be much easier for you if they could get along.

laura_ingalls

Thanks stix. Hubby has gotten better and it's touching how my mom massages me and takes care of me. I just have to keep remembering how lucky I am That I have people who are helping me.

No one is perfect and the Brady bunch gave me unrealistic expectations.

NurseCoco

My daughter is 30. She was diagnosed with breast cancer through a non related ctscan. She's triple positive. 2.25cm and only one positive lymph node. She had double mastectomy with expanders in place. She had her eggs harvested as she has no children. Genetics were negative. She will start chemo soon. She has wonderful support from The Vanderbilt medical community. She's strong, beautiful, and healthy. I'm having such a hard time. I feel like I'm dying inside. I can't show this side to anyone so I just needed to write it.

I've never felt so sad.

Goincrzy8

(((Nurse Coco)))))))This is hard for all involved. You also have to grieve and go thru the emotions so you can be strong and be there for your daughter. She is lucky to have you on her side.

Moderators

Hi NurseCoco, and welcome to Breastcancer.org! We're so sorry for you and for your daughters diagnosis, but glad you've found us and decided to post. Please come here any time you need to vent and/or ask questions. We are all here for you!

There is also a forum for For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters where you can share your struggles and concerns about supporting and caring for a person you love diagnosed with breast cancer with others who understand what you're going through.

Hope this helps!

The Mods