Yesterday everything changed

Lindzanne

Hi. I got the phone call yesterday that the biopsies I had last week were positive for BC. I still know little. I have a positive node and the lump they tested was positive. They said grade II, HER2 negativite, ER+ & PR+. I still don't really understand what that means even though I am taking good notes and all the staff I've spoken with patiently explain everything and tell me that it's very likely I will survive this and thrive. I have an appointment with the surgeon in 2 days. I felt an odd peace after the terrible anxiety of waiting, and today I almost felt normal all day. Now, at night, while my incredibly supportive husband sleeps, my mind races with all the worst fears. That it's all over my body because of the positive node, the sadness of maybe leaving everyone I love, I feel selfish knowing that there are many that probably have it worse than me, I feel terrible like I am causing all these people I love so much so much fear and pain. I know that's ridiculous, but I suppose this brings out a whole range of feelings. There were changes in my breast for several months, but I thought nothing of it bc it came and went with my cycle, until I realized there was an actual lump and went to my PCP after my husband felt it and said, that's not right. It was soft, it moved around, it was smooth to the point my PCP referred me to the breast clinic saying, "I'm 90% sure it's nothing, if feels like every benign lump I've ever felt." But thankfully I took her advice and went for the referall and this roller coaster began. I feel so stupid I didn't go see her about the changes sooner.

I would say 80% of my day I felt calm, positive, grateful, supported, and like each day at a time is what we get and it's a gift. Now, I feel alone, terrified, confused, angry, selfish.......so many things.

I've been reading these boards the last few days and see so much hope and support. I just needed to put my feelings out somewhere, a place where people might understand. It's also an odd feeling---if I post this, it's another thing saying, this is really happening.

That's all. I send love, peace, and support to everyone else on here too.

This seems like a great place. Whoever reads this, thanks for listening.