How to move beyond this chapter in my life...

Kkubsky

Down to the last 5 radiation treatments. No hormonal therapy as my receptors were negative. It will be odd not being in some kind of "active" treatment. I feel like I am in a "now what?" stage. I guess the easy answer is.....you get back to your normal life. But I am having a hard time letting go of the anxiety and fear. I keep obsessing over recurrence.... I keep thinking about grade 3, comedonecrosis, negative receptors... Thankfully it was all DCIS and not invasive but I cannot get rid of these thoughts. They are like a broken record that keeps playing the same thing over and over.

I think my friends and husband are getting tired of my "negativity" regarding my future....

StaceySue2U

The "broken record" thought pattern is something I'm very familiar with. I resented people for suggesting antidepressants but I am so grateful that I finally got on some prozac. It really helps a lot. Also, I've learned some coping mechanisms that are helpful for me. I don't know if you'll find them helpful or not but I'll just put them out there for you. I tried mindfulness meditation, where you just sit and only think about the sensations you're actually physically feeling. You try to just only feel and not think, then when a thought pops up you pay attention to what it is and then let it go. It's a way of discovering your recurrent thought patterns and recognizing when you're getting ready to start thinking negative and nipping it in the bud. I wasn't very good at all at the meditation but I did learn to pay attention to what thoughts lead to darker thoughts and stop them. Whenever my mind even starts to go there I deliberately stop it and say "Everything is fine. This moment is whole and complete and perfect as it is. I am fine right now." I don't know if you're religious but I thank God for all the good things in my life when I start thinking that way. You have to really concentrate and stay on top of it but it works. Also, learning a musical instrument is helping me more than I can say. My dad gave me a mandolin and told me to learn to play it. I stay up playing it until the notes are blurry on the page and I can't keep my eyes open. It's impossible to think about other things when I'm concentrating on trying to play the notes right. For hours at a time I forget about having cancer.

I hope you get your negative thought patterns under control and get back to enjoying your life.

LAstar

Time helps. You just think of it less and less as life gets back to a rhythm. I found I appreciated those boring stretches of life ruts more than I ever did before. Being functional and productive is a balm! I also obsessed over recurrence, but I finally decided that I would deeply regret the time wasted worrying about it if it did happen and stress is also a risk factor! Losing a friend to Stage 4 cancer made me appreciate both the time I have now and the Stage 0 diagnosis. Even for us, there are no guarantees, but we have the best prognosis. Gratitude for the lessons learned and the beautiful life ahead.

Loveotters

I know I'm going to be in your shoes in a few weeks. I still don't know when radiation starts for me, but I know going in every day for treatment is going to be a constant reminder of my diagnosis. I guess the best advice I can give you is what I tell myself. We are doing all we possibly can by throwing what treatments we can at this cancer. And we are now very aware. I am sure that with this new awareness, you, like me, will be extra vigilant and won't ignore any sign that may mean a recurrence. I know fear of not knowing what the future holds is a scary thing, but think of it this way, before this, we couldn't predict the future either, and I know at least for me, I enjoyed my life. I live near LA, and I absolutely hate driving in LA traffic, but I don't let it stop me from getting on the freeway and going to the beach or Disneyland, or anywhere else. I'm right there with you in fearing what tomorrow brings, but I don't want to let it make me not enjoy life right now. Hopefully once you get out of treatment and not having that as a reminder very day, you will get back to your normal routine. Yes, it will be different, and I'm sure you will have good days and bad days, but the further you get from it, hopefully you will have more good days than bad. Hugs to you, and I am so happy you only have five more treatments to go

-Jessica

Kkubsky

I know this is weird but part of me likes going for treatment every day. I guess I feel like I am actively doing something. Once this is done, I think I will feel kind of lost, if that makes sense. I suppose I can work on getting healthier.... But I was never really unhealthy, I don't think. Although it is true that the last few years I haven't had the best diet and I exercised less than before. I kind of feel like my body betrayed me. I am usually pretty good about going to the dr for screenings etc. but I sort of took a year off in 2015. 2014 was filled with a lot of medical stuff and I just needed a break. So 2016 is going to be another year of dr visits. Glad I didn't put off my mammo any longer than I did. Normally I have them in October/November but decided to wait till after the holidays. Maybe I am glad I didn't know during the holidays but sure am glad I didn't wait longer. I may go for some therapy. I just don't want to live with this constant fear.

Jelson

I think your anticipation that the end of radiation/active treatment will make you feel lost is spot on - I know I felt it and have read about others feeling the same way on these boards. It doesn't help that my radiation oncology doctors and staff have been the nicest and most supportive in my bc experience! Your surgical and radiation doctors are there for you in the future, remember that. I was fortunate to have found a group of local women who were going through bc (different stages) at around the same time - so we were able to share our feelings with each other - and attend exercise classes for bc patients - restorative yoga and some other more cardio-intensive classes. I improved my diet, upped my exercise regimen and kept busy. StaceySue2u's meditation suggestions sound really useful and your idea about getting some therapy to help with the negative thoughts would probably help too. You have been through a lot, don't be hard on yourself for not bouncing right back!

Kkubsky

thanks all for encouragement. I am one of those people that needs to talk and discuss what's in my head. My dh is not like that. He handles things differently....if you don't think about it, it isn't there. I feel like if you don't think about it, it sneaks up on you! This dx sure did!

lessharp

Thank you for posting....this cancer thing has been heavy on my mind lately. I did not have any other treatment than BMX, and my BS said I don't need any other treatment. I never even got my ER/PR/HER status. Not even sure I want it. I am 47 and still having a cycle.

For one, it seems the whole checkup thing is being troublesome. I have been trying to get into my OBGYN to have my papsmear checkup, but every time I try to schedule with my availibility, they don't have anything available. I have been bleeding after intercourse...this has happened pre-cancer, and was polyps before...but, the breast cancer diagnosis gives me some more worry about that.

On top of that, my BS cancelled my 6 mo checkup because she is leaving her medical group. I don't care about that...in fact, I didnt' even like her personally (she was a skilled surgeon)...but, now I have the added concern of finding a new breast specialist. Never had an oncologist...BS says I don't need one. All this is just making me so depressed....as it's difficult enough trying to keep up with all the appointments and checkups, without having these roadblocks pop up! Well, that's enough of that rant! I know things will improve...so no sense in being a downer :-) God bless us all!

LAstar

Lessharp, you can find an oncologist. It's harder to find someone to follow you after DCIS and BMX, but I finally found someone who takes my concerns seriously, checks me out annually, and is someone I can call if something doesn't feel right. I am also worried about bleeding post-sex. I had a procedure to remove a polyp but still have the problem.

Gulfwater

It simply takes time to leave it in the past. I'd say it took me about 18 months to get over the worry and anxiety. When I was going through treatment for DCIS in my left breast, there was something being watched in the right. I was sure . . . . No. Turned out to be nothing. But I was "waiting for the other shoe to drop". It never did. I'm now 13 years from diagnosis and treatment. Sometimes I think about getting a mammogram every two years instead of every year. When I mention that to my doc he says, "NO, you've had cancer." I did??? It's all in the distant past. I am fine -- not worried.

Kkubsky

I am looking forward to the day when I can forget I have/had cancer. Right now it is the elephant in the room. Going for daily radiation is a constant reminder, as is my battle weary boob.

I keep thinking about recurrence. Will it come back? When will it come back? Will it be DCIS? Will it be IDC? Does it come back with the same receptor status or can it be different? Will it be caught early if it does come back? Round and round my mind goes.