Putting things into perspective..

melp27

I had my nephews first birthday party today. Thinking here in bed and getting emotional that I don't want to die...... He has only just started his life and even though I've had a lot of mine already, seeing him just starting out made me sad knowing I won't be able to see him grow into a teenager etc.

my level of acceptance of my situation fluctuates but mostly I'm doing things I need to do like going to appointments and also some things off my list but I do have many days where I go why is this happening??

I see a psychologist who is awesome. She is more focus on what you can do now and don't focus in future because it's not here yet. You don't know that the future will be rotten but that's what your mind tells you.Things like this do make me think of what I've lost not doing all I can now before things decline.

Guess you all can relate...I'm single so no man to share things with but I do have great friends. Would like to meet someone though

Nel138281

melp,

You are not alone. I think we all go back and forth between enjoying the day and thinking about the future, what it will hold for us and what we will miss. I don't think we can deny the grief, just be sure to not stay in that place too long. Giver yourself permission ot be sad, grieve, cry and then get up and enjoy the day.

These are not my words - I saw them on these boards somewhere. "we live each day on the edge of hope and grief"

Enjoy the party today - your family and friends.

Nel

Kandy

We all definitely understand, unfortunately. People that don't have a terminal diagnosis don't get it, they can't because they are not there. I tell people that everyone knows that you don't get out of this life alive but no matter your age, you always think it's way in the future. It's like the saying that you could get hit by a bus, I say, true but you are standing on the side of the road and I'm standing in the middle of the road watching the bus come. Big difference. I am expecting my first grandchild in August. Something I so wanted to happen. Now I am worried that he won't remember me. No matter what, you always want more. I try to remember that and try to be grateful for what time I do have. It definitely makes you more grateful for the little things in life. I wish you nothing but the best. Hang in there.

Lynnwood1960

Life is truly bittersweet when you are stage 4.

50sgirl

Melp, We know how you feel. It is normal to feel that way, but knowing that it is normal doesn't really help.

I was diagnosed stage IV right out of the gate last June, and my DH and I spent the first two weeks talking and crying. We decided that we were going to try to look beyond the diagnosis and try to just enjoy life. We were doing really well, but in December everything changed when my DH was told that he had kidney cancer. He received treatment but there were life-threatening complications and spent many weeks in the hospital. Why am I telling you all this? Because the experience made us realize that nothing in life is guaranteed. After all, my DH was supposed to be the healthy one. My diagnosis will never change. His diagnosis could change. He could remain cancer-free, but it could come back. We hope for the best. We have made a conscious decision to try to live life without dwelling on the future. If we worry about things we might not live to see, we might miss out on living and enjoying the experiences that do come along. I still have good days and bad days, just like everyone else with this disease. I apologize if this is not helpful.

I truly hope that you will live to see your nephew grow and graduate from high school. It is not impossible. I hope you find your soul-mate and fall madly in love, if that is what you want. I hope your friends rally around you and provide you with the support you need and deserve. I hope you find the strength you need to face this horrible disease. In the meantime, we are all here for you.

Lynne

catsteme

Melp27 I know exactly how you feel. I was diagnosed 2 weeks ago and thought I was doing really well when I managed a whole day without crying on Thursday.  Not so... The last two days have been two of my worst.  I think we probably have to accept that we are going to have good days and bad days and we can't predict which will be good or bad.  Nel - I think that is great advice we can't allow ourselves to stay in the 'bad' zone too long.  Wishing everyone a 'good' day tomorrow

artistatheart

Kandy, I agree that most non-terminal people just don't get how this diagnosis and the stress and anxiety that come with it can mess so badly with your mind. Most do not understand the depth of sadness and despair we feel at thinking about leaving our loved ones, our lovely lives, and this wonderful world. It can make it very hard to be around old friends or family who seem to be oblivious or insensitive to us. I have recently been going to a wonderful compassionate counselor at my center who has been immensely helpful at getting me to express my fears and frustrations. Unloading on a third party has allowed me to spend better quality time with those family and friends without getting too emotional, which is what many of these people seem uncomfortable with.

I also agree that no matter the age we will always want more from life! Such is human nature....My Mom and Grandmother lived to be 77 and 89 respectively, so this is what my mental "age potential yardstick" was measured against before Dx. Talk about a shocker. I have always been much more active and nutritionally balanced than them and went on many assumptions, all to no avail.

I am trying to not look too far ahead to a future of potential disaster, easier said than done. But do find that being grateful for each day that I wake up feeling OK and able to do things is a much better day than wallowing in self pity. I will feel great sadness as I lose the capacity to do the things I used to do. But hope I have the wisdom and courage to continue to do the things I can and find new things I haven't thought of before. In some small way I am also trying to prepare for that future by working on those projects, getting rid of clutter, giving away small meaningful things now without being morose about it. That way I feel I have more control which makes me feel somewhat better about the impending future. Kandy, Make sure you have some videos with you and your grandchild. Even if you are absent from their life someday they will cherish seeing you holding and loving them.