Feeling Lost

Heatti

Hi - today my dear mom received the diagnosis that she has Stage 4 Cancer due to bone lesions. They are still uncertain that the primary source is breast cancer but feel pretty confident it is. The Oncologist said that she is both estrogen and progesterone positive. Tomorrow we have a mammogram with ultrasound. Friday, she will have a port put in, and Saturday she will have a PET Scan.

My mom is being so strong and I asked her if this was an act because she worries about her grown children and their pain. I told her that I am going to be with her every step but honestly the pain is crushing my heart to where I struggle to get air. I screamed so loudly at my house tonight as I sit in my room and I can't stop crying.

My husband is in California, which is where I have been working for the past 2.5 years, and he will be there until he can find employment here in Florida. We have a house in the same city as my Mom in Florida which is where I sit right now. He said that I can stop working and spend my time with my mom which is a blessing but when I think about this it feels like the long good-bye with my heart breaking over and over again.

I guess I am not coping well at all. I feel embarrassed and I apologize for my behavior. I am hoping that one day I may have the courage and strength that you all gracefully display on this board.

Much love and respect,

Heather

CJSharma

Hi Heather -

I'm not stage IV, but I did go through something similar to what you are. My mother was originally diagnosed as having breast cancer, then it turned to a liver cancer diagnosis, but they are not sure where it originated. First of all {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. It's okay to rant and rave and scream - throw pillows, jump up and down - whatever you need to do. I've done it all and then some. I'm glad you are able to be with her. Treatment has come so far and as the previous poster said - bone mets are not as bad as they sound.

I found a lump 3 weeks ago, and didn't have a full diagnosis for a week. My mind went everywhere and I was pretty convinced that I would be following my mom's path. I found it easier to be strong for me, than I did my mom. My mom was my rock and I needed her. I get it, I really do. I think the most appreciated, needed and wanted thing you can do right now is just love her, and let her know you will be there for her. Go with her to her appointments as there is so much information flying around that having someone who can take notes to make sure you both understand what is going on. I'm sorry your husband is not there, but ask him to let you call to discuss your fears and have him just listen. You need to be able to talk about them and you need to talk about some of those with your mom, but for the sheer rants and raves, reserve those for your husband or other friends.

I wish you all the best and I'm sending big healing vibes for your mom and for your heart.

Hugs -

Christine

exbrnxgrl

Heather,

So sorry tohear about your mom. However, I can offer some hope. If you mom's mets are confined to the bone, she may have many years ahead of her. I am both ER and PR positive and have been doing very well on aromatase inhibitors for almost 5 years. I've never even had chemo.

You might also want to check out the caregivers and family forum, as they may offer support for you.

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/144

Wishing the best for you and your mom.

DivineMrsM

Heat, no need to apologize for your emotions. You have deep love for your mom, the shock of the diagnosis is bound to be expressed thru your feelings. You are angry for her. That's okay.

These ladies above have given you great advice. I am 5+ years dealing with a stage iv diagnosis from the start and tho I make adjustments along the way, I continue to lead a pretty normal and very meaningful life. Many of us on the forum choose to frame this as "living with breast cancer, not dying from it." Of course, it is something that I had to learn, it was a process to train my thoughts to think this way.

Try to take the situation one day, one step at a time. Try not to catastrophize the news and project yourself so far into the future. Live the fullness of one day and then do it again the next day. Try to live more in the moment. Take some deep breaths. Often. Your mom is blessed to have a loving, caring daughter to be witth her at this time. Best wishes to both of you. I hope you will find needed support on this forum.

50sgirl

Heather, I know how difficult it is for you right now. Having someone dear to you receive a diagnosis like your Mom's is not easy. I am sure that your mother appreciates your love and concern. Although the diagnosis of stage IV breast cancer is daunting, there are many treatments available that could help your mom live for many years. This is especially true for people with mets to bone only. Once there is a treatment plan in place, things should settle down a bit. As others have told you, many of us are able to live normal Iives with the diagnosis. I plan to live for many, many years, and my oncologist supports me in that. Keep doing what you are doing. Your mom is very lucky to have you to support her right now.

Let us know how the testing goes and what treatment they decide on. One more thing, ignore the statistics you might have seen. They are outdated and we are not pieces of data. There are many people on these boards who have lived with this disease for many years.

Hugs to you, your mom, and your husband

Lynne

Cafelovr

Oh Heather, I am so sorry. I have both the pleasure and pain of being a Stage IV patient (liver) and a Stage IV caregiver. My mom also has MBC to several places. Being a caregiver is worse! It's so hard to sit and watch while feeling so helpless. You have to find strength within yourself to be courageous for her. You need to find someone to support you just as you will support your mom. We are all here for you! If there's anything you need that we can provide, just shout out!

I don't think this has been mentioned yet, but a mild anti-depressant or anti-anxiety (I take both) might help get your through the rough times.

God Bless!