Emotional After Effects

KellyAnne13

Hi everyone,

I am writing this in the hope that I am not alone.

I finished chemotherapy in July 2015. I think I naively thought I would slowly improve but I always expected a physical recovery. I did NOT expect the emotional changes I am going through.

Sometimes I feel pretty normal but then something triggers me and I instantly fall into a deep, dark hole. I notice that it is often things that make me feel left out or different.

Once I am in this hole it is very difficult to speak or explain to my loved ones and it just magnifies itself because I realize how stupid I must look. I can burst into tears at the drop of a dime.

My amazing boyfriend, who has been a rock through all of this, is losing patience with me and I don't blame him. Cancer has taken so much from me already, I really don't want to lose him too.

Is anyone else struggling with the emotional aftermath? Has anyone been through it already and beaten it? Just looking for some hope....

Kell

notadaygoesby

KellyAnne13 - You are not alone. There are many articles out there that talk about PTSD and breast cancer and really just cancer in general. I believe I had it. Certain events or situations would trigger it. I would just start crying around my girlfriends. I would go to the oncologists office for check ups and just shake and cry. Dr said it is something similar to PTSD, and I believe that. Its very hard to go through what all us women have gone through and try to accept the fact that this is our "new norm". Always wondering about recurrence is what haunts me, but over the past year it has really gotten better, I think about it less and less and just live in the moment, at least try. It never ends, but you have to force yourself to move forward and enjoy your time, don't let cancer win! If you can't do it on your own I would recommend medication to help you through on a short term basis. Hang in there and good luck!

Curlyq1974

KellyAnne13, I finished my treatment in August 2014. December 2014 - January 2015 were terrible months and really low for me. Just like you, dark, very, very dark and deep. Just looking back on it gives me chills. In February 2015, we lost a family friend who had a great, long life. The funeral was beautiful but it put me into a very dark and ugly place. My hubby knew I was down. We left that funeral and went to the mall - his beloved Patriots won the Superbowl and he wanted a hat and t-shirt that said Patriots Champions... Grrr... whatever! So, stupid hat and t-shirt set us back $100!!! I was pissed...

Off I went to the pet store, to snuggle with the puppies and get my puppy kisses... First puppy that they let me hold.. goofy, silly puppy, but no kisses. I asked the lady do you have any boy min pins? She said yes, we have one in the back... she brought me this itty, bitty little boy, placed him in my hands and he immediately kissed my nose. That is all it took. I was in LOVE!!! The amount of money I spent is embarrassing, but I didn't care. My husband just walked away... he was mad, but I was mad about the tshirt and so there!! We named him Zeus. He has been the best therapy I could ask for! He gives unconditional love. With that said, I do not recommend a puppy! He is a ton of work, up every hour for several weeks to go potty, chewed shoes, ruined slippers.... But, the plus side is that I threw myself 100% into him. I had no idea about min pins... i have spent a ton of time researching him and we go to training weekly and I hope one day that we might be able to compete in agility competitions....

Sorry, I could talk all day about my little guy, my point is this... Yes, we have gone thru some hellish trauma that I would wish upon no one, EVER!!! But we made it!! GIRL, WE MADE IT!!! Let me scream it at the top of my lungs!!! We ARE SURVIVORS!!! And alive! You are about to turn a corner, you are asking for help - spoil yourself, love yourself, and thank goodness for the people who love you and were with you thru this nightmare. I would add, talk to your doctor. I am on an antidepressant. It helps with my moods and the hot flashes. Yes, we worry about recurrences, Yes, our bodies are not what they were before but we are here to do more!

Hang in there, PM me if you need to just talk. Below are a couple pics of my baby - the left is the day I brought him home... in my coat because it was so cold and he was so tiny! The right is my husband with him. My husband, the retired United States Marine, the tough guy... with a little dog...!! LOL!!! Cracks me up!

Oh and it gets better! So so so sooooooo much better!!! Instead of tears, it is now laughter. My husband and I were watching TV, and out of the blue, it hit me... Holy crap - what a roller coaster that was!!! PHEWWWWW!!! And then we both cracked up laughing our asses off!

Hang in there!

Janet

farmerlucy

Hi Kelly - looking at your signature I can see some signs that might make your recovery even tougher. The dx of course, the chemo, but on top of that the ooph. I was three years in when I had an ooph and that put me in another tailspin. Some days I felt (feel) like I'm already dead, or I might as well be. We are emotionally beautiful, hormonally beautiful beings and when that gets overturned it is hard to find the new normal. Have you had a chance to speak to a counselor or mentor about all you are feeling? I met with a lady from my church who also happened to be a social worker. She had no solutions for me but she was a welcome outlet for all my thoughts and feelings. This gave my poor husband a break as well.

Kelly - anything you think or feel is "normal". That old Kelly is gone, she is not coming back, the veil has been torn, however the new Kelly is just waiting to struggle out of her cocoon and show the world her wings. Hmmm, definitely an Easter theme going here. You ARE going to get back to a place of inner peace, joy, and happiness. I promise. It takes time. That time is different for all of us.

Meds do help. I take 75 mg of Effexor and it seems to balance out the rough patches. Maybe try to do something each day that makes you feel good. As much as I loathe getting on the treadmill most days, I always feel invigorated when I'm done. Working out those old endorphins are good for the body and the soul.

Hey Kelly - I'm a different person too. I pretty much do what I want these days. If I want to read a little longer I do, all that other "noise" can wait. And I have amassed a barn yard of nonjudgmental, always crazy, always loving pets. That makes me happy. Look inside yourself and see what makes you happy.

BIG hug. PM me anytime.

farmerlucy

love your litttle guy curlyq!

keepthefaith

kelly, as others have said, it is "normal" and affects us all at different levels, just like the SE's of TX. It's too bad this isn't addressed close to the end of our TX or at least acknowledged by our medical teams. I think the surprise of the emotional SE's is hard in itself to deal with; I expected to be going my merry little way and put BC on the back burner after TX was over....NOT. It took me about a year and a half after DX to finally feel like the dark cloud was gone and I could move on. .Hang in there. You've been through a lot.... And, if you need counseling or meds to get there, consider them. Journaling also helped me...and, this forum for sure!

KellyAnne13

Wow to all of you and thank you. What incredible support! I won't get too personal because I'm sitting in a public place and don't want to cry but will say that my mood has lifted since that post. Who knows how long it will last but it's nice to know I will have your great messages to read the next time it happens! The puppy part is funny... I am NOT a dog person ( no offense to those who are) but I have had the hugest urge to get a little puppy. Been thinking about it all the time. Crazy! About the ooph, thankfully because my ca was triple negative I am able to do some hormone replacement but that is definitely contributing! I'll update you all on my progress!

Kell

morelandks

Hi Kell -

Thank you SO MUCH for starting this thread and sharing what's going on. I have really been struggling the last few weeks after finishing rads - I can't think or focus very well and I'm an emotional train wreck. I can go from "fine" to major anxiety to dark depression to anger and then bounce around among all of them, all within the space of an hour. I feel like I'm losing - correction - have lost my mind and it's never coming back. And then I just want to give up. I am so tired of fighting and dealing and feeling so incapable of living. I am on a break until mid-April when ovarian shut down and AI start (oh goody). So right now I'm not on any meds at all, and my last chemo was Dec 21, so all these things I'm feeling can't be due to current treatment.

Amidst all of this, it is very very reassuring to know that I am not alone and that lots of BC peeps seem to go through something like this after treatment ends. So, you are not alone either - right this minute, I am literally right there with you.

For the rest of you who posted and who seem to be further along the recovery road, thanks for the encouraging words and hope for things to be better.

Kim

KellyAnne13

Hi Kim,

I hear you. I am all over the map. Thought I handled everything OK until now. I had a pretty good week and then a busy weekend and I can feel myself just needing some quiet and space to regroup but it's really hard to find that in a busy house! I'm noticing that when I don't have that I get pretty edgy and really sensitive to pretty much anything that triggers me. The anxiety is the worst because once its starts it just doesn't stop for me. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be but tough. It's really difficult to get understanding from the people around me. Most people just think I'm cured and that's that.

Kelly (missed the "y" last time)

BeHereNow

Hi all, I appreciate this thread, because I have been miserable! I hate to be a downer with my fam and friends, so I have been isolating

I'm 2-1/2 years out from the end of treatment and am sad that I still am not functioning well. I am on an aromatase inhibitor and antidepressants. I regularly see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am fatigued and nothing seems to help the depression and anxiety. I was just diagnosed with lymphedema. My joint pain from estrogen suppression is constant. It's hard to walk my dog, and I miss that so much