Newly diagnosed and being pressured for sex

Marie78

I was diagnosed several weeks ago. They thought it was contained and planned on lumpectomy followed by radiation. They were not concerned about my lymph nodes but were going to remove and test a couple sentinels just to be sure. Next thing you know I get called back after mri. The Cancer has spread into several other areas of the same breast and some of my lymph nodes now look different.

This just happened 4 days ago. Ive now been told I have stage 2 invasive lobular carcinoma. I went from a quick surgery and radiation and getting on with my life to facing the fact that I am now having a mastectomy in just 17 days followed by 5 months of chemo and radiation after that. And another 5 years of hormone blockers at the end.

My whole life has just flipped upside down. Again. The first time was the original diagnosis but now with these new results not only am I going to lose my breast and my hair.....I am going to have to take sick leave at work very scary as with the exception of the year after I had my son I have always worked full time all of my adult life. (I am single mom of a teenage boy)

So here's my concern. While all of this is happening and I'm trying to wrap my head around everything my boyfriend of 3 years wants sex. We have been intimate several times since my original diagnosis and I am trying my best but he is making sex such a big stress. When I'm not in the mood he makes me feel bad and I get constant and sometimes daily reminders that I can't let this situation affect our sex and intimacy. Call me crazy but this is the last thing on my mind right now!!

Am I wrong here? Is it wrong if I just don't even want to think about sex right now? My mastectomy is in just over 2 weeks. I just found out that I would need it. I would really like to just forget about sex until i at least recover from surgery but he disagrees completely. I am so completely stressed right now about my Cancer and the fight I have ahead of me and helping my son get through it and finishing up my last two weeks of work while preparing for mastectomy the last thing I need is to fight with him about sex. He has been amazingly supportive in every other way but we have had 3 big fights in the last 2 weeks about sex and I really feel like I just can't handle the added stress. Am I wrong here? Can someone please give me some advice??

dtad

Men!! Some are extremely supportive and some just don't get it. First let me say I know exactly how you feel about your diagnosis being changed to something more serious. When I was first diagnosed I was told it was Stage 1 with an excellent diagnosis. I was scheduled for a lumpectomy with intraoperative radiation. My family and I were so relieved we went out to dinner to celebrate. Then I had a MRI..... well it showed 5 more suspicious areas in both breasts. I had 5 more biopsies. Fortunately 4 were benign but they did find one more malignancy and abnormal cells in the other breast. Now I was facing a BMX. It was really a blow and kept thinking I would have handled it better if that was the diagnosis from the start. So I get it! Your boyfriend should read some literature on how to be a supportive partner while going through breast cancer. You will heal and you will have sex again but he needs to follow your lead on that right now. Good luck and keep us posted....

MelissaDallas

You aren't wrong.

My one thought is that men deal with things by "fixing" stuff, not talking about it. In some way could he be trying to demonstrate to you that he loves you and wants to convince you that you are sexy to him, no matter what? Perhaps he has read that women often feel like they are less "feminine" or womanly because they have breast cancer and this is his misguided attempt to demonstrate to you that you are desireable however you look

DivineMrsM

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is a very difficult time for you. First: you will get through this. Take it one step, one day, one procedure at a time. You will learn much on this forum about surgery, chemo and all kinds of other things, so make good use of the knowledge at your fingertips.

Sadly, your boyfriend does not get it. You should not be made to feel guilty at this time about not wanting to meet his apparent need for sex. He isn't considering how you feel, he is telling you how he wants you to feel. That's not right. You don't need the pressure. You are allowed to make this about you and what you need at this time. He might not understand. You may have to accept that. Do you really want someone who is still clamoring for their needs at a time your world is being rocked? Do you need that? No easy answers. But your life shouldn't only consist in meeting the needs of others. You are allowed to put your needs first. This is your life, your body. Take care of you. You are worth it.

Many prayers for you.

Owens69

It would be good for him to seek out a forum for spouses, significant others who has a mate going through cancer & treatment. In my opinion, his expectations are very unrealistic. He needs to understand more about what you are going through. If he's not listening to you, maybe he will listen to someone else going through it or as been through it.