I am ferociously angry with my husband.

macb04

I am so angry with my husband. I will explain the background.

Last Tuesday my husband broke his leg at work. Coincidentally that same day, several hours later, we were supposed to go to court because our dog got in a fight with an off leash dog. He called me and told me he broke his leg, said he was fine , but said that his leg went sideways . I said I wanted to come down to the hospital and be with him. He told me not to, said he would prefer to handle this himself. I told him I really wanted to see him, that he was going to have to have surgery. He knows how afraid I get at the idea of surgery for anyone. I was crying and he said no, go to court and win the dogs case. I am no lawyer. I never, never wanted to go to court. He knew I got really nervous at the thought of doing the court thing, and that was even before he got hurt. I was very hurt that he told me not to come and be with him. I went to court, did miserably, lost the case. Court took like 4 hours. I was worrying the whole time I was in court that if he died in surgery, the last time I wanted to see him he told me not to come.

I went up and saw him after court, had to wait for him to come out of anesthesia. When I saw him I completely went off on him for turning me away, ignoring how I felt, worrying he was going to die. I have been arguing and fighting with him since last Tuesday. Now, I am not proud of yelling at him the day he got injured. But, big but is that he has always been pushing me away and that he doesn't trust me. He told me that he thought I might question the doctor before the surgery. Or that I might say things that would make him nervous, or that I might have stayed with him and not go to the stupid court. Those are his justifications for telling me notto come down to him. Heis never willing to take my suggestions about anything. The week before Thanksgiving he had a spot of Melanoma removed. He got an infection. He was put on the wrong antibiotic. I work in healthcare. I told him it was the wrong antibiotic right away. It had purulent drainage for three weeks, and that was WITH the antibiotics. I told him I asked 2 other doctors and 2 other ARNP 's about the antibiotics he was on. They all said his PS was wrong, that it was the wrong antibiotic and that is why it wouldn't heal. He ignored what I said, wouldn't believe me. I feel like God could come down from on high and tell him I was right, and he still wouldn't trust me.

This bc just showed up the cracks in our marriage and I can't forget all the ways he has been unsupportive to me over the years. It has just gotten especially bad since bc hit 3.5 years ago. He feels like he can say anything he wants without saying he's sorry. Doesn't seem to matter how I feel, how upset I get. He once compared me to our 74 year old neighbor across the street who got chemo for bc, saying, why wasn't I getting as much done as her. She had a tiny little incision, and hadn't yet at that time had more than a couple of weeks of chemo. I had had my breast cut off, chemo and was burnt to a crisp by that point. He saw nothing wrong with what he said.

I wish I could leave now but he is nearly immobile with his broken leg. I am afraid to be alone, to potentially get a divorce. We have two kids. He has said a number of times that he would either have nothing to do withour girls, or he would take them away and have me declared an unfit parent because I got upset and cried frequently during treatment and even since then with all the surgery problems I have had because of rad damage. I am worried about the money situation too as I lost my job on New Years, and I don't have any money left in savings. I worry if I left he might be vindictive about withholding money for my girls and I, as he was the breadwinner not me.

He is the only one I get so very angry with. I am not a crazy angry person anywhere else, or with anyone else. I know that my fuse is shorter since chemo poisoned my brain. I was worrying that I was losing my mind, but realized that I only got furiously, ragingly angry with him. If I were truly loosing my mind, then I would be crazy elsewhere as well.

I am mostly venting now, as I don't feel I can change my situation for several months at least. I feel like I have just run into a wall, that it all became too much for me, dealing with his BS.

Meow13

Try to relax a little. The stress is really bad especially with cancer and treatment. Do you take an anti anxiety med? It really helps me, generic paxil. It helps me cope with se and stress my husband puts me through. Don't worry about him abandoning the girls. He will have to support them he really doesn't have a choice.

My family doesn't understand my fatigue, fears, and side effects. They act like I should be fixed by now. Ugh I wish.

Good luck

blondedoris

Hi Macb04 - {hugs}. Sorry your husband is a cockwomble. Would it be worth seeing a therapist to talk this over with? He sounds a bit controlling and threatening to report you as an unfit parent is downright abuse. He isn't providing you with any support - emotionally, you've been handling cancer on your own (we're all here for you, but online support isn't the same as in-person support). There are also lawyers that offer free consults to let you know where you stand before you decide if that path is right for you.

Could you ask your oncologist for a referral to a clinical psychologist? They can help with managing the emotional side of it and your mental health; as meow mentioned, an anti-anxiety med could help take the edge off things too.

Love and strength, poppet - check back in and let us know how you are x

Tresjoli2

I am not sure if this helps, by my DH is very very pratical. I am emotional. He makes decisions based on facts and what needs to get done. I make decisions based on how someone would feel. I say this because it sounds like he was trying to be practical by sending you to court to get that taken care of, rather than sit and twiddle your thumbs with worry in the recovery room.

I used.to get really angry at my DH because I thought he didn't care. In reality he just considered factors in making his decisions that I would never consider. Neither way was right or wrong, but it was different. Maybe some counseling would help? Hugs.

dismay15

I am very sorry that you are so stressed and hurt. You are getting great advice - counseling, lawyer, medicaiton, Look into all of these to reduce your stress and give you a chance to breathe.

I think they all act like cockwombles sometimes and this may be one of those times. Venting can be good.

Tresjoli2 is so right, his decisions may be based on practicality alone, and just seem to be callous and disregarding.

I think BC is a game changer. If my experience is at all common it seems to change everyone, most good but some not so good.

Wishing you peace and strength.

macb04

Thank you all. I do have a counselor, I was talking with her about the whole thing . I thing he's been kind of a jerk for much of this miserable time. Now I won't say he is always unsupportive, that wouldn't be true. But he is that way quite a bit. I had cellulitis a few weeks ago. I was sick for about 2 weeks, on antibiotics that didn't seem to work, in some pain and with a fever just lying around on the couch after I first got sick and spiked a fever. He came home from work that night and I asked him to make hamburgers from the ground beef I had defrosted. He kept bugging me to get up off the couch and help him cook the food. I wasn't looking for a gormet meal, just some stinking burgers for dinner. He eventually had a hissy fit and went and bought food rather than cook for us. Now this is a guy who is able to make really good fish and chips from scratch, so I knew that hamburgers were not technically beyond his skill set. He just wasn't in the mood, made him cranky being asked to help out. This is kind of typical. Needless to say, I did not get up and make those damn hamburgers.

He does have good points, but I am having trouble forgetting all the sh*t that has come out of his mouth with never an apology, almost never. Suddenly I have reached a tipping point, the proverbial straw, and I am feeling all the bottled up anger all at once. Caught me by surprise actually how angry I am with him.