The cloud of denial has lifted and panic has set in

Skeptic

I think I've been mired in indecision about wheather or not to have radiation because I've been in denial that I've had cancer. I didn't that was possible. Apparently having a lumpectomy doesn't make one readily acknowledge that she has had cancer. Now I'm having nightmares about the cancer having spread throughout my body and wake up feeling sick and anguished. And even now I'm still not picking up the phone to schedule the appointment because I'm afraid I have waited too long so that the benefit no longer fully outweighs the risk. I think one of the radiation oncologists I saw might still consent to treating me even though it's been 16 weeks since I had surgery, but can I trust them to be fully forthcoming about how much the benefit might be diminished? Is there a way they can tell if the cancer has already spread? Who do I talk to about this? The medical oncologist? The breast surgeon? The radiation oncologists seem the most robotic and least forthcoming of the 3 types of doctors I've seen. I'm not sure I like any of them. How do I pull myself out of fear and indecision hell? Have any of you experienced this? Equal fear of having treatment and not having treatment? How did you pull yourself out of it?

sos1125

Skeptic, I completely understand the fear/indecision hell. Seems to me taking some action right now is your best bet. Since you are wondering whether radiation therapy could still benefit you, maybe you could schedule a meeting with a radiation oncologist to get information that may help. Maybe schedule two consults very soon to get two opinions. If radiation therapy turns out to not be an option at this point, there are many other ways you can reduce your risk of recurrence through diet and lifestyle changes. Implementing some of these can help mitigate the feeling of having no control over the situation. You may want to consult a naturopath or nutritionist for advice. Regular exercise has been documented to reduce recurrence risk. Stress reduction may also reduce risk, I am pursuing "mindfulness" programs and meditation myself as I am an epic worrier. You are not alone in having overwhelming fear, I have definitely been there and still have moments when the terror overtakes me. I'm sure many others will also weigh in here.

A giant hug to you, I understand how hard it is. I decided to do radiation therapy, and of course now agonize over whether whatever collateral damage I'm going to suffer negates the benefits I may receive. There are no easy answers, but just know that you are not alone.

etnasgrl

I've gone through the mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, MRI, lumpectomy, and now halfway through radiation and I still can't believe that I have cancer. Regardless of what I've gone through, it does not seem real to me at all. I'm going through the motions, but it's not real. Yes, I know that I have cancer....but it's just unbelievable to me. I can't really explain it. Hopefully, what I said makes sense.

Listen, "cancer" is a scary word. No matter how far the medical community has come, no matter what type of advancements there are in treatment plans, and no matter what type of amazing research is done....it's still a word that provokes intense dread and fear. One of our first thoughts upon being diagnosed is death. It's enough to shake you to your core!

I personally have no idea if radiation 16 weeks after surgery is done, but your radiation oncologist would. While you say the radiation oncologists have been the most "robotic", they would still be the ones that you need to discuss this.
As for getting past the fear and indecision....my medical oncologist told me something simple, but profound to me, when I was debating doing chemo. (Which I decided not to do.) He said to ask all the questions I needed to, do all the research I wanted to, even get a second opinion if I thought it would help and then make my decision. Once the decision is made....do NOT second guess yourself, do NOT spend hours worrying about your decision, and do NOT, EVER, look back. I'm sure that it's something he tells all of his patients, but it stuck with me and I still think of it every now and then when the fear shows up. I made my decision based on what I thought was best for me and have moved forward.
You need to do the same.
You can spend your whole life worrying about cancer and if it will come back and then, one day, you're life will be over. Will you be happy with how you spent your time? I doubt it. Instead, I'm betting that you will wish you spent your time focused on the joys of life.....friends, family, birthdays, pretty weather, hugs, kisses, laughter, silliness, good books, great wine, etc.

The bottom line is...from time to time, we're all going to be gripped with fear of this stupid cancer. Cancer has stolen enough from us, don't you think? Refuse to allow it to hold anymore power of you! Do what you can to stay healthy.....eat right, move more, stay on top of your follow-up.....and let the worry go.

keepthefaith

Good advice:). Seems we are all very impatient to come to terms with our DX. It's like we think it's bad to grieve, cry, rant, be angry or afraid, etc. I was DX'd over 2 yrs ago and it took me over a yr to feel like I had come to terms with what I had just gone through. Don't beat yourself up. If you need counseling, get counseling. If you need anxiety meds, get them. We all deal with it, in our own way and in our own time. Like etnasgirl suggested, being pro-active in making positive changes in your lifestyle may make you feel more empowered. Do what you have to do and soon you'll be on the other side. Best wishes moving forward.

abigail48

don't use tranques unless you're post menopausal, turns out they cause birth defectp