What can I do?

FightersDaughter

Hello, 

My mom just sat me down a few days ago with the news of two tumors (IDC) and surgery/radiation/chemo in her future. She and my dad are surprisingly optimistic and resolute, which is a great thing. They keep saying they have the support of an amazing cancer center nearby, and it's all mapped out for them. But I am very frustrated because I live over three hours away from them and have two little kids; I'm stuck. I feel helpless - like, HOW am I going to help them? I just want to DO something. A LOT of something's. If I'm not, I feel like... I just have no control. I am PISSED. And terrified. And trying to be strong. But all that aside... The one thing I did think of was to send a care package. Does anyone know of a good inspiring book on the topic that will give her hope, etc? And any suggestions for useful/helpful gifts for this stage of the game?

Thank you so much for your advice.

Mamiya

There is a book for YOU I can think of called Help Me Live http://www.amazon.com/Help-Me-Live-Revised-Things/... (your mom may get a lot out of it too)

Also, you can call and email, and just make a good effort to be involved from afar, I know I appreciate the people who do that.

a house cleaning service as a gift would be sweet (oh and check "cleaning for a reason" they may have openings in your mom's area and do it for free)

meals that don't involve a lot of shopping or prep would be good, no specific recommendations but thinking Blue Apron or even Schwans

A link to this website?

SpecialK

It sounds like your mom is optimistic, is a book something you think she might need?  I did not read any books that were inspirational or hopeful, my reading was more fact-based - I became more comfortable the more I understood about breast cancer, but I am a knowledge is power type of person. When I read for pleasure I did enjoy reading magazines more than books - more bite-sized, I found it hard to concentrate for very long.  I also spent time on this site gathering info and communing with others, especially those with a diagnosis similar to mine.

  For surgery silky jammies are good because they help you slide in and out of bed more easily, button front tops are good for both apres surgery and chemo (if needed - for port access), I also used those beanbag hot/cold things you can freeze or microwave - not for the breast area post-surgically, but because they helped warm me or supplied heat to areas where I was stiff from not moving much.  A body pillow may be useful, or a wedge pillow - after surgery it can be hard to lay flat.  Something else to consider is sending something little once a week or so - just to have a little surprise - a bed jacket or cozy socks - doesn't have to be anything big, just so she knows you are thinking of her.

  When my parents were seriously ill I prepared portioned meals - made a big pan of something like lasagna and cooked it, then cut it into serving pieces and froze it, labeled and dated.  I would go (they lived across the country from me - I sympathize with living away - so hard when they are sick!) for a visit and spend a day cooking and fill the freezer with their faves.  That way it was easy to microwave and eat something homemade and it was quick.  Maybe a grocery shopping service like some areas have so that your dad isn't running to the store all the time would be good too. 

Do your parents have community support - from their neighborhood, workplace, or religious affiliation?  If so, you can organize a meal delivery schedule (www.mealtrain.com, is one people seem to use) amongst those folks - people often want to help but don't know what to do or offer.  If your parents want to keep their friends and family up to date you might offer to maintain something like www.caringbridge.org for them so they are not fielding a lot of phone calls to keep people posted - which can be stressful and exhausting, everyone can go to that one source.  I also used medication logs, you can find them online and print them out - or make your own with a spreadsheet, to keep track of the many meds I had to take.  I also used these chemotherapy side effect sheets, linked below, for each infusion - it is hard to remember side effects when you have a doctor visit, so these help -

http://www.cancer.org/acs/groups/content/@nho/documents/document/acsq-009502.pdf

Hope this helps!

etnasgrl

((((Hugs)))) My mother had breast cancer and I lived several states away. So, I totally understand how you feel.
I kept in weekly touch with my mom via phone calls. (This was in the 90's, before the internet, emails, and smartphones) During each phone call, I would ask how things were going, how she was feeling, and what, if anything, I could do for her. The rest of the call would be about non-cancer topics, to try to keep things "normal".
I sent her a lot of care packages while she was in active treatment and when she wasn't. Little things. Cards with a note and a gift card to her favorite department store inside, flowers delivered, books I thought she might like to read, things to keep her busy during her chemo treatments like cross word puzzles, word searches, and magazines.
Sometimes, when we are far away, we feel so helpless and don't know what to do. It's a terrible feeling. But, I can tell you that little things mean A LOT. I know it did to my mom as she told me all the time and now as a cancer patient myself, I can tell you how much it means to me when someone does something sweet for me.

Moderators

FightersDaughter, we are sending you many hugs as well.

There have been some really fabulous lists made by our members around things that are helpful! Check out these lists:

Surgery shopping/packing list

Radiation therapy tips

Chemotherapy tips

You'll be sure to find helpful tips there!! We're here for you all, and understand how you are feeling.

Spookiesmom

Just contacting her daily can mean a lot. During my tx, my daughter would text me every morning before she left for work. And more through out the day. She lives close, but those texts were so nice.

ShetlandPony

Yes, a card or e-mail is a small thing, but can really make a person feel the love and support.

For the care package I suggest: A silk pillowcase for poor tender head during chemo, a black silk eye mask for napping in the chemo chair, funny DVDs, and effortless lighter-than-usual reading.

tgtg

FightersDaughter--Here's a view from the other side--the elder parent side. When I was diagnosed (at 71), my husband and I were optimistic too, and just carried on together as before. We told our older son, who lives 2 miles away, about my diagnosis less than a week before surgery, and he promptly arranged for family leave from work to be at the hospital with his dad and me that day and the next. But I urged him to go back to work the following day, since I was feeling fine and we had prepared enough food to make meals easy post-op. Knowing that he cared and was ready to help if needed was all we needed, really. Since his work entails inexorable deadlines, just knowing that he wouldn't get overwhelmed with backlog all because of me made me feel better. We never told our other son, who lives in Japan, about anything until after we had my full surgical path report--there really was nothing he could do from half a world away anyway, except worry for several weeks, and his worrying would affect his two little girls negatively, for sure.

Age does not necessarily determine dependency--attitude, resilience, and general health are perhaps more important factors. If your folks remain optimistic and friends in their neighborhood and/or worship community are happy to step in and provide company and occasional help, it might be a relief to them to know that they aren't disrupting your life and your family's life. And a good weekend post-op visit from you and your family when your mother is ready for it would most likely do a lot to help her feel good--with you doing the cooking, of course! .

One book that I found very useful when first diagnosed was Living Well beyond Breast Cancer by Dr. Marisa Weiss. The double meaning in its title says it all--the book addresses both on living well after diagnosis and treatment, and also living well beyond them, once treatment is over. It is also a very readable informational book--Dr. Weiss explains our disease in layman's language, not medicalese, and in a personable voice, so the reader can learn what is happening and may perhaps happen and also what she can do to help herself through the experience.

Hope this perspective helps ease your concerns as her daughter.

FightersDaughter

I am so thankful to each of you, every response to my post was so helpful. I think my mom would really like to know about this forum, it feels so safe here. It's good to hear others perspectives, who have lived/are living through it. Thank you for your kind words