Family embarrassed by my cancer

djatsw47

My 44yo daughter screams at me whenever I happen to mention to someone that I have been treated for cancer. The regular UPS delivery man commented on my short hair-cut. I told him it was my new "chemo do". Then, I explained that it was growing back in from treatment and that all is well. My daughter went off on me for telling people that I have had cancer because she thinks it makes them feel uncomfortable. I don't tell everyone, but if it comes up, I don't lie about it. Most everyone who has found out has been very interested in it and how I am now doing. I think my daughter has a serious problem with reality. She exaggerates her life to everyone, as well, and has a fit if I tell anyone she has moved back home with me. Am I wrong to let people know of my cancer treatment if it happens to come up?

rwiley4529

In my opinion, you are free to tell any and every one however much you want to about your situation. If your daughter doesn't like what you have to say about yourself, that's HER issue, not yours.

muska

I think you are right - if you feel fine about it. I am the same way, I tell people if I am being asked. I didn't make it a secret at work either. If somebody feels uncomfortable hearing the answer so be it, they need to learn how to deal with it. I don't see why one can tell everyone about diabetes but not about breast cancer.

I actually think those of us who are open about our condition and treatment are doing good service to society by educating people about this disease and treatments.

ChiSandy

Your daughter is likely very worried about you, and every time you mention your cancer to others in her presence, it’s a reminder to her that you have it--and makes her feel more scared. Sounds like she needs a support group, or perhaps family-member therapy. Keep telling whomever you want to tell, but know she’s not embarrassed, but afraid. Her statement that “it makes people feel uncomfortable” no doubt carries the subtext “it makes ME feel uncomfortable.” Her attitude may be unwarranted, but it isn’t selfish.

ayr1016

djatsw47 You should share your story with anyone you want to.

ChiSandy I agree with you. I think she is scared and lashing out. A counselor or support group would definitely be beneficial is she is up to that. Sounds like she is kind of in denial as well.

trish01254

you should tell anyone you want to tell. I think most people appreciate the openness.

Denise-G

Please, please, please do not quit telling people you are dealing with cancer treatment. It is your way to sanity and to deal with a life-changing and stressful diagnosis. I'm not a counselor and can't give you advice about your daughter other than to say set your boundaries with her. It is part of healing cancer!

artistatheart

It is pretty hard to avoid telling anyone, and if that is how you wan to handle it you have to do what makes you comfortable. however, Chisandy has a very good point. It is probably just a scary reminder and your daughter would rather pretend it's not reality....she cares.

Meow13

I am a daughter with bc and the word cancer or talking about mine really upsets my mother.

I am her only child, I try to be careful around her but it doesn't always work I tend to speak about it to help cope.

Jinx27

I agree with ALL of the above!

People are soo afraid of this disease, talking about it helps other people understand. My own mother was mad at me for choosing chemotherapy! I told her too bad and explained why it could help.

My paternal aunt passed away due to breast cancer and since then Ive been in touch with her widowed husband (my uncle) the children they had and his new wife and kids.

Most family member on my paternal side have been begging me not to tell him or my cousins about my diagnosis. They feel he has moved on and it would open up a can of worms. They said to wait until a year from now. I dont know where Ill be in a year from now!!

Ill pray for clarity and understanding for you and your daughter.

pandaberry

hi djatsw47 - Keep telling people. It is your journey, your battle and there is no reason to keep it a secret even if it makes other people uncomfortable! You're the one living it!

When I was recovering from a brain hemorrhage caused by a rare condition, I'd often tell people why I was talking slowly/slurring and moving very slow (numb, weak and no balance). You would not believe how many 'friends' told me I shouldn't tell anyone. It was already so hard to go out into public like that...I forgot all about that until I read you post

edwards750

It's your call. Your daughter has issues like not telling anyone she moved back home but that may be because she is embarrassed and getting upset when you talk about your cancer I think is because she is scared. Somehow people think if you don't talk about it it isn't a reality. If only that were true.

My sister has BC too. Unlike me she keeps things very close to the vest. She believes people knowing about it is an invasion of her privacy. That's her right to feel that way but I am the polar opposite. I am not the town crier but I did share my DX with family and friends. One of my neighbors told everyone in our cove and even X neighbors. Not her story to tell. I was really ticked at her. This neighbor's life is an open book so she figured everyone else's is too.

I belong to a support group at Church. It is helpful to talk about it with others who know exactly how you feel. Maybe a group like that would be beneficial for you too.

Diane

wintersocks

My family behaved like it was contagious. My sister particularly was now I was touched by cancer and she hung around with me then somehow she would get it. if fact she ran off to hear GP the day after my dx asked for an emergency appointment to get herself checked.

A week or so later (whilst still in chemo) I cooked and waited for her to show up as we had agreed. She didn't. I phoned her and she said she 'couldn't face it'

Then she asked if she might bring her kids after one or two abortive attempts to rearrange, I told her this wasn;t a circus and I i did not want two teenage boys gawping at me whilst bald.

I have not spoken/seen her since...

LRGO2016

A cancer diagnosis has traditionally been handled poorly by society, families and individuals. In the past and present there is often a "stigma" associated with it. No matter the lack of valid reasons for this response to the term, everyone is naturally saddened, fearful of and uncomfortable with the term cancer, likely because it is often equated with death.

I recently read a book that talks about how to communicate with our families, friends and peers about cancer. This book was very helpful for me when I had to go home to talk with my parents and siblings about my genetic testing results. I highly recommend you obtain a copy or at least listen to the podcast about it on. NPR.org. Fresh air program, March 14th.

http://www.npr.org/2016/03/14/470371943/bad-luck-o...

The author; Dr Theodora Ross

The book: "A Cancer in the Family - Take Control of Your Genetic Inheritance" by Theodora Ross, MD., Ph.D; 2016

Publisher: Avery - an imprint of Penguin Random House

I've asked the Mods where to post this resource within the BC.org forum. It is a really insightful and easy read and may help you understand that how your family is responding is very common. There are resources available to help you help them accept your DX as well as your need to discuss it with those around you.

I hope you find it as helpful as I did.

PS: I'm two weeks out from prophylactic BMX. I learned today that my choice to remove my breasts may have saved my life! My now removed breast tissue contained atypical cells that were not yet cancerous but on their way to becoming cancer....

Reading this book (which is primarily about dealing with cancer and using genetic risk to make good decisions) inspired me to overcome my fear of talking about my DX and genetic inheritance. It may help me save the lives of my family as well.

Firefly63

That's horrible!!  Why should anyone be embrassed because you got sick?  Your daughter might be scared, but she is certainly old enough to understand that getting cancer is not our fault.  I tell everyone, and if they feel uncomfortable that is their problem, not mine.  My friends, family, co-workers, and past clients have shown me nothing but support, I get hugs from everyone who has ever cared about me whenever I see them.  I openly talk about my problems with hot flashes, hair loss, early menopause, and everything I had to endure during treatment.  I make jokes about these things.  How much easier it is to have showers when I don't have to wash my hair, or shave!  I feel people just don't understand, cancer is such a scary word.  By being open, I hope to educate everyone around me, and they all ask me questions they would NOT have asked if I acted embarrassed about my illness.  As someone here said, why can we talk about other diseases such as diabetes without shame, but feel as though cancer is something to hide?

MFalabella

Honey this is your life and your story. you tell anyone you please as much as you please.

xoxoMichelle

Meow13

I keep seeing health stories saying if you eat right and exercise regularly you will keep cancer away.

It makes me so mad, it is NOT the cancer patient fault! Healthy lifestyles are very good for general health but have Nothing to do with getting cancer.

cindi1970

Thank you, for acknowledging some off the family troubles we go thru 

I am 45 and my 3 adult children don't speak to me they act like it's my own fault. Mine is not a pretty story I am writing this in a hotel I have for a month. If I had aids I could get housing help, I ask where I could pick it up. would it matter????

    It should but does it why not. I am angry I do feel cheated, I wasn't aware that breast cancer killed people.

   I thought that's why me had that pink month of October too celebrate. I was so stupid.

     I don't do my cancer right. 

CrawfordsMommy

You can talk to anyone (or not) about your treatment; it's your life and it's not like breast cancer is shameful at all!

I'm a daughter with bc and my mom was dealing with it pretty OK until I lost my hair. Now, she seems to be having a little trouble with it. I will just let her work through it however she needs to. I think your daughter needs to do the same.