My mother just passed away from breast cancer

GrievingDaughter

I've read things here off and on during the nearly four years Mom battled this illness. I even signed up a few years ago because Mom's cancer had come back and I was scared, but I forgot my log in info.

It's not like this is anything new, considering how many mothers have died of this disease. Mom was diagnosed on her 56th birthday in 2012. It was stage four breast cancer. Her doctor said it was almost like stage three because it only spread a bit above the tumors into her neck. They gave her some nasty treatment: tons of chemo, tons of radiation, a double mastectomy, and a reconstruction surgery. Though stage four cancer can never really "go away," her tumor marker numbers were low enough that it basically was gone for about a year. 2013 was great. In January 2014, her heart sac and lungs were filled with cancerous fluid. She was in the hospital for several days, and my dad told me later that the doctor told him it was likely she wouldn't get home from the hospital. He had made sure all of us visited her.

She did go home, despite the fact that she always had some remnants of the fluid and had it drained from her lungs a few times after that. She also had tumors in her bones and liver. Her amazing doctor found all sorts of chemos, chemo pills, and radiation treatments that kept the cancer manageable until about September 2015. That's when things just stopped working and her tumor marker numbers began exploding. Her last PET scan, taken about a month ago, showed cancer all over her liver and a little in her brain.

Mom talked to me about three and a half weeks ago, telling me that her doctor had one chemo left to try that could get her about eight or nine more months. (My dad told me a few days later that he had said four to eight months.) She was supposed to start it on the 16th. She told me she was looking forward to Christmas, and my dad teased her because she was going to be an old 60-year-old. (Her birthday was in March.) She went to absolute poo just days after this conversation with me. Hospitalized on the 14th in abysmal shape, the emergency room doctor thought it may have been due to her liver-related meds, and she was on the mend for a day or so. Then she basically began dying. She came home on hospice on the 22nd and died on the 23rd. She went from fully functional and taking care of herself to dead in a week and a half. I was sad enough thinking it was months, but she was dead 11 days after our conversation. She had told me in the past few months that she was having a hard time with her treatments and didn't know how well they were working, but she was sticking with it because she didn't want to die at Christmas. She wanted to be healthy for it and didn't want my dad, siblings, and me thinking of Christmas as "when Mom died." She didn't make it.

My mom was my very best buddy in the whole world. That may be lame as a 29-year-old, but she so was. She was kind-hearted, selfless, so funny, and just filled with light, warmth, and love. All I want to do is talk to her, hug her, and give her another present. My dad had me pick out some stocking stuffers for her on the 22nd because we were sure she had at least a little more time. She was perfectly coherent, just very tired, on the 21st. I put them in her stocking on the 22nd, and then I had to watch her stocking go untouched on Christmas. I always loved picking out presents for her and seeing her face light up when she opened them.

I'm having such a hard time with her gone, especially with how fast she went, and I'm so angry that she only got 59 years, especially after putting herself through the wringer to fight this illness. My dad and mom were high school sweethearts, together for 43 years. He's a giant mess. If my heart feels like elephants trampled all over it, I can't imagine what his feels like. I guess I was just looking for people who have been through similar things. People who understand this pain, sorrow, and anger. Sorry for the novel! I wouldn't be upset about "tl;dr" posts.

MsPharoah

Grieving, Your post is so beautiful. My deepest condolences to you and your family on the loss of your dear mother. My mother died many years ago when she was 55 from this disease. When I was diagnosed, all of that grief of losing a mother so young came flooding back in great force. Even now, I cry when I think of my mother suffering with this disease and losing her life so young. It just isn't fair. Hugs

MsP

Noni

I am so very sorry to read about your mother's passing. I lost my mom 5 years ago and it still seems unreal that she's not here.

She had lymphoma which led to MDS and was given 6 months to live. We were on the phone often and I will forever remember the afternoon, five days before they were to put in a port, when she told me that she'd had enough and didn't want to do it anymore. 'Do you know what I mean?' were her exact words. She died four days later. She woke up too weak to move and my father called 911. She was taken to the hospital where her body just shut down. My father sat with her for four hours until she sent him to get some lunch so he could take his morning medicine. Her last words to him were 'I'm alright.' She passed as soon as he left the room.

I believe we have some bit of control of our time of death. Our mothers took control and did what was best for them and their loved ones. It still friggen hurts, so I understand.

Hugs to you and your father.

farmerlucy

I very sorry for the loss of your beautiful mama. I can tell you all had a very special relationship. My mom passed from BC fifty years ago. I still miss her everyday. I talk to her every day. You'll never get over her loss but eventually you will move forward. For now take time to grieve. Praying for your comfort.

GrievingDaughter

MsPharoah - I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this disease both as a loved one and as the one actually going through it. At least my mother got a few more years than yours. Thank you for the kind words.

Noni - I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. I'm glad she wasn't immobile for too long, but I'm sad for your family that she went so quickly. Mom had said a few months ago that she was getting tired of it, but it was a passing thing. She didn't mention it again, but I think it was just because she didn't want to worry us. Always putting herself last.

Hydranne - I'm so sorry you're suffering from this terrible disease. My thoughts are with you. The ongoing treatment when you know you can't really be cured must be brutal. It was hard watching my mom deal with it. It makes me so sad that there are numerous other people in the same situation. Your thoughts do sound like my mom. She didn't let us have a funeral; my dad just convinced her to let us have a small graveside. She wanted us to "have a loud and happy party with good food and memories." We tried. She was a homemaker, so she always said her family was her life and she wanted to see us all happy.

As for your wish for yourself, I hope when your time comes, it is the same thing. My mom's sister's partner died after a two-year battle with tonsil cancer three years ago. When she visited about six months ago, she kept telling my mom all of the particulars of hospice and what my uncle went through. After she left, my mom told me, "Why did she have to tell me all of that stuff?! I don't want to deal with any of that!" When the doctor gave her a few months, she said she was not looking forward to hospice at all. "You know me. I'm an independent lady!" I'm glad she was on hospice for just a day. She detested morphine when they gave it to her to deal with a giant tumor in her spine. That's what she would have been on for the rest of her life had she lasted longer.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry you're also inflicted with this illness. I've been donating to the BCRF and I absolutely don't want to see more people go through this. I'm certainly scared for my sister and myself when we're older, too. Mom's was estrogen positive, so my doctor told me I need to be vigilant about my estrogen levels when menopause hits. She recommended tamoxifen when I get into "the change." My mom said that tamoxifen was the worst thing ever, though. "Why would anyone who doesn't have cancer put themselves through this just to possibly prevent it?!" Makes me want to say, "Thanks, but no thanks!"

kayb - I'm so sorry you lost your mom and your dad in such a rapid succession. That must have been brutal. To not have either of your parents last to a ripe old age is heartbreaking. I hope my dad lasts for a while. Both of my parents have strong faith, though, so he told me 70 is old enough for him. He just wants to get to my mom and "have afterlife travels." I hope they get that.

I'm so sorry you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to your mom. I did, more or less, although I didn't realize the last time I spoke to her would be the last time. She had a chance to say "I'll miss you guys bunches and bunches" and to kiss my hand. And I had the chance to tell her that I loved her and she was my very favorite person. She got mad at me, though, because my dad was sitting there and she didn't want me to hurt his feelings because I didn't say he was my favorite person. Whoops...

farmerlucy - I'm so sorry you also lost your mom at a young age. Fifty years is an age to live without your mom. If I get to a ripe old age, that's what I'm looking at. Thanks for the words of comfort and the prayers.

I'm just really struggling with the idea that she's past now, not present. Sometimes I almost forget when I'm concentrating on something else. I'll think, "Gosh, Mom would love that!" or "I should show Mom that." The sad bit is that when she's been gone a while, I won't even accidentally think that. The more days go by, the more real it becomes. I don't want her to be "past." I want to keep her right here with me. It's like I want to keep this pain longer so I'll still feel close to her, like she's still here. That's probably weird.

I don't want her to just fade away. If anyone is interested, this is her obituary. I want more people to know how great she was. I wrote it, so the writing is probably too sappy.

http://magicvalley.com/lifestyles/announcements/obituaries/obituary-joanne-todd-milliken/article_424f230c-8975-5431-adf1-38a06f7f20f3.html

bevin

Dear Greiving, I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my Mom two years ago and understand your pain and sadness. Its such a deep sadness and missing that is not explainable.  I pray you find peace. 

Hugs to you.

Bevin

WinningSoFar

Nothing is too sappy when you're talking about your mother. We only have one mother and when she's gone, that loss is indescribable. I'm so sorry. I lost my mom in 2000 and I miss her every day but particularly every evening. I look at the stars while laying in bed and think 'there she is' when I see the north star.

MEG2

GreivingDaughter, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Your Mom was young and it's terrible that this disease took her away from you, and her husband and the rest of the family.

The way you described her was wonderful and it sounds like she was an amazing Mother and Friend to you. I hope as time eases your pain that the memories remain and give you some peace and comfort. Best wishes to you as you navigate the grief and find your new normal.

AmyQ

Grieving daughter your posts bring tears to my eyes. Your relationship with your beautiful mother reminds me of my relationship with my 29 year old daughter. She'll be the one most lost when I die.

Your words to your mother are sweet and oh so heartfelt. I am so very sorry you lost your mother, your best friend. I hope you can find peace but in the meantime, remember and honor her.

Amy

ayr1016

GrievingDaughter - my heart weeps for you. Your relationship with your mother was so special. I lost my dad to brain cancer 3 years ago and not a single day goes by that I do not think about or miss him. He was diagnosed and was suppose to have at least 8 months and he died 4 months later. Sending you peace and hugs.

DivineMrsM

GD, regardless if this is not anything new for a daughter to lose her mom, it is something that never happened to you and now you are left to deal with your grief. Do not minimize the process.


Yes, it is difficult, I was 39 when my mom passed away over 15 years ago. The pain was horrific. You just take it a day at a time. I remember I read a book about loss and grief, since I'd never experienced this kind of loss before, and it said to take about three years to work through the grief. Of course, it won't be the constant, steady sharp pain you feel now. There will be ups and downs. Your pain, your grief is just a different way you are expressing the love you had, you have, for your mom. Your relationship with her continues, even tho she is not on the earth.

I am sorry for your loss. It s understandable that you are angry about her passing. It's okay to be angry, work thru that anger. Keep a journal. Write three pages every day about anything and everything you think and feel.

Keep in mind all the things your mom was blessed with during her time here. A loving devoted husband. A devoted and caring daughter who she was best friends with. Many people never have that. In time, you will start to think of her whole life and not just the end of her life, and those memories of good fun times you shared together will comfort you. God bless.

mamachickie

Grieving daughter (heart-sister)

Sitting here. Less than a month from my mom's death at age 68(3 days after her birthday and my sisters birthday) December 8th. She died December 11th at 8:27 pm.. I recently discovered that was the exact time i was born. I hold onto ANY sign that this was how it was to be. .. I sit awake at night replaying the past 6 months. . That's ALL she had after being diagnosed with stage IV Triple negative breast cancer. .. at least 8 mets. It was discovered from two spots on her back which the doctor said were sebacious cysts...they were not. No removal of them after the biopsy. . They just grew as the cancer did. When they found the origin it was an extremely small spot in the breast. So small they couldn't mark it! Onc recommended Immediate chemo! We complied. That was June into July and insurance denied the one chemo so dr. After saying they would take care of it , simply dropped that part of regiment. ..like one drug was going to wirk, when two drugs were questionable. .. the tumors grew. Dr. Says time for hospice. . My mom had lived extremely depressed until her diagnosis. We struggled with that as she lived with me for 8 years after her husband died and losing her home. She was my best friend and i lost sight of that through the past 8 years. .trying to find my life after taking care of her father and before that my step dad after my mom couldn't any longer. She WAS so strong. .. life weakened her.and she leaned on me. She called me her rock ..But shewas truly the strong one.!!she was determined as i was to fight this cancer. I asked dr for trials as she said any chemo was unlikely to do anything. ..and she referred for ONE trial that my mom didn't qualify for. ..if she read her history she would have known. .rhemotoid arthritis. . I Continued to search for trials. All the while we were in and out of the hospital 5 times since June. I stayed because she was so afraid to be alone. Afraid to die. . I was afraid too. These were our RETREATS but the TUMORS GREW . A second opinion in October and the dr said at that point he wouldn't do any other chemo. I feel EVERYONE gave up on my mom. .. sisters doctors... they all said i was keeping her from accepting it. .. i was just being her voice. Which on December 10th she said it was time. She was on home hospice, which kept pushing to take her in patient. .i refused. The nurse when i called actually directed met to page 6 in the book when I needed help! !! She died here in our home. ..her home. ... and that is only thing that was right in all of this. *** October i found a trial that i believe could have made a difference, but she had deteriorated too far to qualify.

I am MAD! At the doctor. . And ALL doctors before. .she had surgery within the year for a fall and half her stomach removed. .because they told her to take alieve for the pain. And she had an ulcer that ruptured... why. Was nothing seen?? !MAD at my siblings always left everything to me. .( little sister lives out of town with a 3 yr old and her husband died less than a,year ago.so i couldn't expect any help. .big sister in a divorce and financial distress. .no help there. ). Mad at My son, who has depressive disorder and fails out of college.while i was taking care of my sister and nephew in February. . MAD at God! I believed HE would heal my mom. And everything else!! But mostly MAD at myself for wasting so much time before this being MAD at so many unimportant things My friend tells me to not feel guilt but that doesn't help. I cannot forget ANY of it. I think of ALL that I should have done. .Should have said. .or not said. And just wish I had a stronger voice in the beginning on my mom's behalf. I just want my mom back. ..just a chance to redo it ALL. Ironically, i now understand the grip depression had on her, and how hard it is to push past it.

Exhausted at 49

april485

((((mamachickie)))))) Please try NOT to let all of this pain consume you. I promise you that time will heal. You will still have pain but it will lessen. I know this to be the absolute truth. Hugs and so very sorry for your loss.

Same to you Grievingdaughter. I know this pain. It is terrible and the only thing that will help is time as I said above. Hugs and condolences.

mamachickie

April485

Thank you for your kind words. I will try to remember what you said. It just feels that not even time will heal. just knowing others understand and truly care is helpful.

Mamachickie

GrievingDaughter

bevin - I'm so sorry about your loss. I hope you're still handling the pain. I can't imagine this feeling will get any better.

WinningSoFar - I'm so sorry you've been without your mom for so long. Hugs to you.

MEG2 - Thank you. She was the absolute best. I was reading something about dealing with the grief of losing a parent. It said not to build them up to mythical proportions. It really isn't possible with Mom. She WAS that wonderful. My dad told me the other day when we were sorting through her dresser that he thinks she was an angel who was sent down to do a few more things before she could get her wings.

AmyQ - I'm happy that your relationship with your daughter is so strong, too. It's a wonderful thing for a mother and a daughter to be so close. I know it doesn't always happen that way. My thoughts and prayers go toward you while you battle this illness.

marieB - 20 plus years is so long without your mom. I'm so sorry you lost yours before it was her time, as well. Thank you for the encouragement.

ayr1016 - I'm so sorry that you lost your dad so quickly. I hope you're doing alright. Hugs to you.

TheDivineMrsM - I'm sorry that you lost your mom at a pretty young age, too. If your pain was horrific, it must be how I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry you had to go through that and probably still are going through it on a smaller scale. Thank you for the ideas and thank you for the words of encouragement. Mom was really blessed. She and Dad got together so young and still managed to stick together. I always thought theirs was a pretty special story.

mamachickie - I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I understand your frustration and anger. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way.

april485 - Thank you.

I will say that reading through this forum, both in the friends/family sections and the sections for people actually battling this disease has been helpful. I read recently that over 40 thousand women were projected to die of this illness in 2015. So, basically, Mom was just one of thousands of mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, aunts, grandmothers and friends who passed away due to this monster. I want to thank all of the people who have shared their stories on here. It makes me feel like I'm a member of a sad sisterhood. Some of the people here are even younger than me and have watched their moms die. Some are barely older than me and are battling it. Some patients are even my age or a bit younger!

The past couple of weeks, I've been really sad when coworkers or friends mention their moms or when I've thought about the fact that Mom won't be at my wedding, if someone is ever nutty enough to marry me. She won't meet any kids I might have, she won't be there for career accomplishments, she won't be around for our precious mother-daughter talks, etc. Then I come here and realize there are lots of people who didn't/won't even have their mom at their high school graduation. At least Mom raised all but one of her kids. (My sister turned 17 three days after Mom passed.) At least I got 29 years. My heart has been broken reading about people who are or were really young when this disease snatched their loving mother away. It's also been broken thinking of all of the 30 or 40 something women who have to look at their kids and wonder if they'll even see them reach their teen years. So thank you, everyone here, for sharing your stories.

My mom's illness has made me want to volunteer at the cancer center where she was treated. She always said it made her sad to see people much younger than her fighting cancer, and she did everything she could to brighten up the process and help those people smile. Between that and realizing through these posts how much further pain has been/will be caused by breast cancer, I want to do something like that even more. I want Mom's process to produce some good, even if it's just me trying to help others through their journey. I could carry on for her.

DivineMrsM

GD, what a wonderful sentiment that your Dad made about your mom really being an angel here on earth. It is beautiful for your mother to have been so completely loved like this by her husband and children. God bless all of you