Struggling with Self-image and Depression at Six+ Years Survival

YearoftheHat

Hi to all my breast cancer cronies out there!

I'm going on seven years survival. I had double mastectomies and chemo in 08/09. Things are going well. I've come a very long way with getting back on my feet after all that.

So, anyway, the reason I am starting this thread is to see if I can find others who are tired of being strong, tired of problem solving, tired of analyzing and making a million little decisions. Way back when my oncologist said to me "The more you do the better" and I took that to heart. I'm out of the dicey relationship I was in when I was sick, left my unhappy job, put myself through school, graduated, and started (entry level) in a new field. I'm finding ways to keep my family relationships alive too. I've been busy.

But now feelings are resurfacing, and I must face that I'm depressed, and I don't really want to fight it right now. (Not at all. I'm freaking tired.) I want to wallow in it a little, and see if I can't create some nice self-soothing in the process.

I'm wary of this site to some degree and I have not posted in several years. The format wasn't working for me. I needed to stop talking and start doing. I guess I also felt like a lot of the people on here were pretty, um, not bitchy. Maybe just crabby. Is that better? It's understandable. Breast cancer is a rough blow, but I'm looking for a mellow crowd. At least I hope for one.

Anyway, I've always been somewhat depressive. I had a complicated blue collar upbringing...a real mix of great, good and bad elements, and I ended up somehow sorta well educated, so yeah, it's complicated. I'm sure that's contributed in my case to having wobbly emotions throughout my life. I found on this site that I make quite a bit less money than many people so if you kinda scrape by like me, we could be great friends on here.

Enough background. What I need to say is that I miss my boobs. I really miss them. I miss my sexuality from before I was sick. It has not been remotely the same. I've been busy with other things but I'm settling into a routine now, and maybe I can focus on rebuilding my body image and some kind of sex life. I dunno. That has all been obliterated to be honest but if nothing else, I'd love to find someone else who wants to whine about it as much as I do right now.

Hernie

Hello Hat, nice to meet you. Your story connected with me. I have also struggled with self-image, hit bottom, and fought through to the other side. Then, once I got to a point where I was truly happy, cancer came to stay. Now, I am struggling with fear and isolation. BCO is a wonderful medium for sharing (thank you, mods!) but I still feel like the nerd around the cool kids. And no, I don't think having cancer is an excuse for being unkind to others. Each person here has a special story -- I like to hear them so that I can learn and grow. I hope this is a safe place we can do that.

YearoftheHat

Hi there Split-bean. Oh my, you are dealing with a load. I often wonder if I'll have a recurrence. I'm as proactive as I can manage to be with my health habits, but I can't afford my deductible at my new job, and I haven't been to the doctor in a year or so....stopped taking Tamoxifen. Who knows?

I don't have the energy to worry. I found that when I was ill...that one day I just stopped worrying. I felt that cancer taught me an important lesson about accepting that there are some things over which we have no control. That idea worked for me at least. I think I was able to go there cause I don't have kids. I think it would have been much more difficult to let go of worry otherwise.

Yes, I used to feel sort of coolish in my way. There were things in life that I was jazzed about. Not really so much anymore. And when I see women my age, or anyone really, who seems to be enjoying themselves, I'm honestly mystified. I don't share that feeling. Maybe I need to fight for joy, like you say you did.

Hey, thanks for the call out in the dark. I appreciate it. It is great to root around for some support and instantly find it. That's amazing. Thank you.

I hope your day was a good one. I know I was very focused on my time when I was ill....to make the most of everything. I hope you had satisfaction with that today. Let me know if there's any way I can help you through.

tangandchris

I miss my breasts and sex life too. Last time dh and I had sex I was acutely aware of how much I miss them.

I think for me, I have yet to really allow myself to feel it. I've had to spend energy fighting and no time to wallow in the loss. But, it's there and it creeps out at times.

I think it's okay to be depressed girl, we go thru hell with this. ((Hugs))

Ikari

I too am tired - tired of "pushing" my way through post BC life - through what many others (non BC people) find easy. I also feel how I appear to others (both positive and negative) is not what is actually happening on the inside.

On one hand I look fully functional, mentally and physically - this is not intentional - I am just trying to do what I did pre BC - however it takes 10 x the effort.

On the other hand, I look older and am overweight - I look like I sit inactive eating cake and tubs of icecream all day - I exercise, do more than most and eat healthy (mainly ).

As much as I would like to share my internal feelings with others I find that the invalidation of others not understanding makes me wish that I had kept things to myself.

I am an intelligent person and my frustrations are valid. Unsolicited solutions irk me. I have always worked or studied and nothing has EVER "fallen in my lap". Despite this I continue to push through. Some times I cry - this is not depression - I get fed up with the relentless pursuit of "normalcy". I cannot find what others call a new normal as the goal posts keep changing.

That said, I DO appreciate what is good in my life. Sometimes it is challenging not to compare my lifestyle to others who do not have to work full time, have not had BC, are able to have intercourse with their partner without pain/dryness, have not faced their own mortality. I want to be carefree...

Although all our BC experiences are different the overlaps of commonality I find soothing. I am learning to see how resilient I am (although I question why I HAD to be so resilient in the first place).

I hope you find the support you need - hugs xx

Hernie

I lost one breast (never considered recon) and I don't miss it, neither does Prince Charming. He says to wear my scars with pride. I don't post on the MX threads because I don't have anything more than that to say, but self-image is a bigger issue and it takes a lot of guts to face it and do something about. For that, my dear Hat, you have my respect.

As long as I was in a bad marriage, I wore baggy clothes and cut my own hair because I was not worth anything better. Life was lonely but stable. Then, when circumstances brought everything crashing down, I swam laps every day to escape. And I went to psychotherapy. Both made me feel stronger. Then one day, I looked in the mirror and thought, I deserve to have a professional haircut and color. I didn't need to be ashamed to look nice. Same with buying clothes that were feminine, not dumpy. I looked better and that made me felt better, but it had to start from the inside. I worked on the issues that were wrecking my self-esteem, and then it got easier. But change is very painful and things had to get extremely bad for me to be ready to make changes in myself.

When I lost the breast, I thought, I am still me, I know who I am, and I am proud of me. If anyone would think me less beautiful, let them, they are fools. Hat,I hope you can break the chains that hold you down and realize how special and beautiful you are.

swanseagirl

All of your stories have hit a cord with me.

I am 5 years out of dxd and have had a few scares along the way.

Most recently I got blood work for the brca gene. Will get results end of month.

I lost my mum to pancreatic cancer in October on since being back in my every day life I am struggling.

Having this test has pushed me over the edge.

I've immediately gone to the dark side.

I've already researched masectomys, oophorectomys.

I found myself walking around costco checking out others women's breast. Crazy I know. Bit I thought if I didn't have breasts would anyone notice, would anyone care.

I'm so tired of cancer.

I wanted this to be the year I didn't have to worry and I could avoid all of the Dr's appt.

Have been listening to friends complain about small things or how excited they are for life.

I know I've written my own death sentence sort of and I haven't even got the results yet.

Shit j need to get my act together.

YearoftheHat

Oh my, look at all these responses.

I was very much in love with a man when I was sick and it ended once I felt better. My mind knows this is best, he was too nuts to be a life partner, but my heart isn't right yet. He's gone and married to someone else. It's encouraging to know that:

Tangandchris has a dh and a sex life,

and that you, Bean, have a Prince Charming. I'm afraid to date but knowing you women have someone really gives me hope.

It's wonderful to find strength and spirit but joy is the flip side of pain. It helps me feel not to feel stuck if I can express both. Thank you to everyone who posted. Bean, I will try to let your self-love message in. I seriously need to.

Swanseagirl, dealing with this is a process. It's especially understandable to have anxiety if you are potentially facing medical decisions, that is certainly the hardest, most stressful part IMO, and after losing your mom so recently no less. My condolences. My dad died from a weird cancer that was in his jaw summer 2014 so I can relate to the loss part anyway....

...so, I haven't dated or been with anyone, but a silly drunk neighbor stopped by one day last summer. Said he locked himself out and could he sleep on my floor. Well, I fell for it and suddenly it was Girls Gone Wild over here and my shirt was up over my head. Mr. Sleazy sprung a huge stiffy and I had to toss him out, but not before he asked if he could touch them and told me not to worry about my recon...said they were really nice...and I have scars from here to Timbuktu and lumps and stuff. Didn't matter. Anyway, I really didn't appreciate his neighborly infiltration at all, but his 'response' was an affirmation. Also, nobody notices. When I tell people it's always a surprise. There is life after should you choose mastectomy, it's just not always easy. There are plenty of silver linings too as cliche as that sounds. Try to take care and feel well and at peace if you can. It sucks and it's exhausting but know that it won't be intense forever. These boards were often an oasis for me so I hope they help you too. Personally, I recommend being as medicated as possible. Lexapro and Xanax were my friends then. They helped me a lot.

Ikari, thank you too. You're a sweetie! I've fully earned every aspect of my modest lifestyle and I appreciate knowing that you might relate. Yes, I'm finding the support I need right now! I think what I was missing was people who've been through what I have. I work with a group of healthy women and I don't feel that they get it. There's a lot of bawdy sexual confidence in that group too, but it's a newish work setting...the trust isn't all there. I do hope to find my way and join in with their antics at at some point. Sorting that out is part of what brought me back to these boards.

Love and hugs. The best people are on BCO.

Hernie

Hernie

YearoftheHat

Thanks

swanseagirl

year of the hat!

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I am extremely overwhelmed and in a dark place. I know I will come out of it i have before.

Glad to hear if I make the choice of masectomy nobody will notice. Worry about recovery and side effects. Still it has to be better than bc again.

The thought of chemo ect.

Girls gone wild, now that gave me the best laugh.

Losing a parent is difficult and I too am sorry for your loss.

Was put on zoloft last week but stopped it yesterday. The side effects were just to much. Shaking, tremours, sweats and feeling sick.

Dr said to stop then start new script of Celexa in a few days.

Geez might be girls gone wild for me. Lol

Thanks for the shoulder😍

YearoftheHat

Swanseagirl, I think almost anyone with diagnosis uncertainty goes mad for a while. Good for you for stopping Zoloft when you reached your limit. You need to have some certainty as to whether or not what you're taking will be effective. It hardly makes sense to monkey around with something that makes you feel so much worse. Of course, you don't know if that would have improved over time or not, but why risk continuing to feel awful when there are so many other medications available?

I should say that I still take Lexapro six years later and I don't know that I could ever handle the withdrawal. I plan to stay on it for that reason, and I'm not always thrilled with the idea. Even so, it was worth it to me. It helped make my anxiety at the time a lot more bearable.

Hang in there. Step by step. Day by day.