My Wife Has Cancer - just a vent

Amstar15

I write a blog/journal for family and friends to know what my wife is going through. There are numerous blogs that I write that I never post... to me the blog is about her and her journey. However at times I write to vent, for a way to get my feelings out. Below is a blog/journal that I wrote -- that I never posted --- I just need to vent ---- thanks

MY WIFE HAS CANCER

I often try to escape my thoughts and what's going on in our lives right now.Typically late at night by myself. – There are numerous blogs that I have written but have not posted. I would climb into myself to let the anger and worries out. Let's be honest – they are pity parties – a big pity party write up in a blog. But Becky can't escape. Cancer is always there, now part of her DNA. As I said I would frequently blog during those pity sessions, so my messages were raw and emotional, very opposite of what I have posted for everyone to see.As a husband, this disease cripples you. You quickly learn there is NOTHING you can do except to be there, care for her, and listen.At times I can tell you I haven't been the best at that and I am sorry for those days.

Frustration, oh yes frustration and confusion. I spent a lot of energy doing what I thought was needed – when at times what Bec needs is just me to just be there – doing nothing – just be near her. I have researched and studied cancer and try to educate others. I have sat there, watched nurses connect poison into her power port and wondering if the incredible hulk was going to emerge. I would prepare a long list of questions for her doctors but not ask what I wanted to ask because I didn't want to go near some of the answers that we may get. I have to stay focused and listen because Bec would ask me later what was said. There is worrying over hospital bills and how we are going to manage. I have blogged, "This ride has been an emotional roller coaster but take it one hurdle at a time one day at a time."When at times just like Bec has said and felt, I just want to wake up and this be over.I feel half the time I am on this damn roller coaster screaming as I zoom skyward or scared to death as I slam downward. So each morning I tell myself slow down, sit back and deal with things as they come, do not get out there too far. That's hard, I have a hard time and struggle as I try to learn and try to understand what Bec is dealing with.

There were so many different seasons as I call them now that have we experienced with this journey. Seasons to me are all of the ups and downs that we experience – they change weekly, sometimes daily. While Bec's body was still recovering from all the damage it had incurred from chemo and she was struggling with her new image, the oncoming memory loss (chemo brain), and all of the different things that just add up to not being and feeling like herself--- I am still trying to learn of my importance during these season changes. Awareness was the first thing I had need to come to grips with.. at times I am bad at this. She basically had to club me senseless before I picked up on the cues! As I laid there in a mushy pulp, I realized things were changing. I am learning to talk to her, share feelings, and at times just sit and shut up, just having me in the room is all she needs – I don't have to be superman all the time trying to do something for her or fixing everything –Im still trying to learn that and I know at times I am not the best at doing this and at times I have been more an of ass than a help to her –

As a husband all I want to do is fix things, I want to fix this problem of Bec's.I can support her, I can be there for her, I can hug her, kiss her, just hang out with her.

But none of those things make her cancer go away.I can't do anything to make it go away, I can't just give her some Advil, a hug as nice as they are doesn't take anything away.Not the fear, not the pain, not the sadness.I find myself feeling helpless a times, I can't make cancer go away.I struggle every day to control the outcome of Bec's fight with cancer.Sometimes those struggles are in the middle of the night when I can't sleep, sometimes it's when I am sitting in meetings at work, it's even been when I am sitting right next to her.I try and approach each day from a place of love and awareness – knowing I am not in control and for me that is hard to handle. To offset these feelings I try and occupy myself – watch sports, completely immerse myself into work – still it doesn't help.Like a lot of men when struggling, I am afraid of being perceived as weak – so whenever anyone asks – IM DOING OKAY – DOING GOOD – THINGS ARE GOING WELL ---are my responses..

Bec I know you read these journals ===

Bec you are my best friend. The hopelessness of seeing you go through this terrifies me. It still does. Once you have been touched by the big "C" it is always there. You are the other side of me, and my better half and I just want you to know I will do better – more of what you need and less of an ass.

I can't get past the feeling that I am not doing enough for you – I love you so much --- The hardest times for me are on my way to work.. every day – doesn't matter if I am going to Wright Patt or heading to Meijer - The feeling of guilt – I am leaving you – I am not there with you when those thoughts go through your head, when you don't feel well, when you are tired and justwant to sleep.Even as your hair as fallen out, and chemo messes with your body,you are still so beautiful to me.I hope you know how deeply I love you and how proud of I am of you as you go through this.I will continue to do everything I can for you – until I can control the outcome – until you are okay – until this roller coaster ride is over.

So to family and friends this fight isn't about me – it shouldn't be about me ---I have it easy – I don't have cancer – I am just a ring man in the fight here to encourage and be there as much as I can for Bec – so when you ask I will tell you --- IM DOING OKAY – DOING GOOD --- THINGS ARE GOING WELL---

theresa45

Your wife is very lucky to have you! I'm sure you bring her great comfort!