Telling your kids

hearmeroar

UGH I am in panic attack mode. If I find out this week I have mets am I supposed to tel my boys I am dying? I can't handle my life right now!!

LisaAlissa

First of all. Don't tell your boys you're dying. (Even if you get a mets diagnosis, there are women on these boards who got that diagnosis years and years ago. You could get hit by a bus before you die of cancer! ) BTW, what do they know about your current diagnosis/treatment, etc.?

If you get a mets diagnosis, it sounds like you might want to talk with a childlife specialist at your cancer center. Or a social worker. Someone there will be a specialist in what, how & when to tell children, based on both their ages & your diagnosis. So that could be your plan for "if." (Finding out who that specialist is, then talking with them.) But I wouldn't suggest any further planning, when you don't know what's causing your symptoms yet.

Now, about that panic attack mode...you're borrowing trouble that isn't yours yet. There's no reason to assume that your symptoms are mets...as Shetland Pony pointed out on your other thread, it could be gallstones. We're not docs, and you're not either. And Dr. Google isn't your friend.

So. Breathe deeply. Live in the moment (it's the only time any of us really have...the past is gone and can't change, & the future isn't here yet. We can plan & prepare for the future, but once a plan is in place & preparations are made, that's done too.)

From what you've said, you've made your plans and preparations to see a doc and find out what's up with the symptoms that are troubling you. So that's done.

So focus on the now. What you're doing with your boys now. If you celebrate Christmas, allow yourself to really enjoy the preparations. When your thoughts turn back to your worries about your health, take a few deep breaths and walk yourself through a self-composed mantra. Maybe something like this:

I have symptoms I don't like, but I've made arrangements with a good medical team to look into them. There's nothing more I can do right now. So I'll ______________________.

Then fill in the blank with the now. for example, see the StarWars film, read a book, talk/play/cuddle with your boys (not sure of their ages), bake Christmas Cookies. And find the joy in the now--don't let troubles that aren't yet yours destroy the joy you can have in your now!

HTH,

LisaAlissa

hearmeroar

Thank you LisaAlissa! My sweet babies are 11 and 13... They were 8 and 10 when I went through chemo. I did think gallstones twice because over the last month I have two what felt like "attacks" with the last one being last Friday. All week I have felt full from when I wake up until going to bed. I feel better after I get off the treadmill but it's still there and hasn't gone away. Now I have pain in both shoulders and a tightness in my chest both of which I believe are attributable to panic and anxiety. Sucks so f'ing bad!!

LisaAlissa

You're welcome.

And yes, it does. (Remembering that I'm not a doc, the "attacks" makes it sound like gallstones...)

If I had pain/tightness in my chest/shoulders that I attributed to panic/anxiety/worry I'd do a couple of things:

1. Take a hot shower/bath to loosen them up.

2. Get a shoulder/neck/upper body massage.

3. Try to induce the "relaxation response" (Dr. Herbert Benson's name for the effects of relaxation. He's got several books (and lots of articles) on the relaxation response if it interests you...).

4. Use warmth, and weight to help induce the muscles to relax when trying to sleep. (You know those heavy lead x-ray aprons they use on you at the dentist's office? If that weight feels relaxing/comforting, you might try heavy quilts/blankets to see if it helps at night.)

5. Talk with my PCP about an anxiety med to take the edge off until I had better control of my thoughts (see the description of a "repetitive thought string" (mantra) in my earlier post.) Design your own. Some people like to create them as as a lyric to a song you like. If you keep at it, just the beginning of the tune you're using can elicit relaxation.

HTH (hang in there!),

LisaAlissa

etc: correct numbering.

KBeee

First of all, I hope it all turns out well. But because I had a biopsy last week and was in the same place mentally as you are, I will answer your question because I posed the same question to my good friend who has stage 4 cancer. Our daughters are good friends... Have been for for years, before either of us had cancer. I asked her how i'd tell my kids I was dying. She said you won't. If it comes back as mets, you tell your kids you are LIVING with stage 4 cancer, and will continue lots of different treatments for years to come, that there will be good days and bad, but more good than bad. When years from now things have progressed and there are no more options, the I'll talk to them about dying. Very wise. She has been stage 4 for a year and is on her 3rd type of treatment, but her tumors have only grown by millimeters.

My biopsy was clear. I hope you get good news too. (((Hugs))) waiting sucks. Cancer sucks

hearmeroar

all clear too and yes moments of worry can be sheer hell!!! Thanks for the replies. Hugs for your friend

KBeee

Great news!!