Is this the 'new' normal?

Kiks1

Hi everyone, I was diagnosed 11/30 when my biopsy confirmed cancer in my right breast. Since then I have been a wreck.I am 49 ( not as young as some , and my heart goes out to you all) but no matter how old, I don't believe that anyone of us was ever ready for the news. Anyways, the lump is about 1.9cm and I had an mri on friday that shows no lymph node involvement at this time. I actually was so 'happy' that day that I thought it was ironic how we can actually be happy about having cancer! 

Since then, it is all downhill again. I have always been a hypochondriac but now it is really taking a toll. I don't see my drs till tuesday but I have suddenly developed a host of other symptoms. I had an arm ache that has been bugging me for almost a month now, although since my attention has turned to other ailments, it seems to have gotten slightly better. Then, I started having stomach problems a week or so ago. It started as cramps and diarrhea but then it became more gassy and constipation. The gas seems to give me cramps in my abdomen and my mind thinks it has to be liver or abdomen mets! I don't know if stress is causing that or if I am actually tight. Last night and this morning I am feeling dizzy but I have been extremely high strung and have not slept well for 2 weeks since finding the lump. 

Help, is this normal? Did others also have the same experience and all the aches and pain just checked out to be nothing? Any help would be appreciated, this waiting for a full diagnosis is HELL. Thank you.

CatsRus

sorry about your dx, kiks1. What you are experiencing is normal, but not necessarily your 'new normal'. It will get better once you have a full dx and a treatment plan in place. You begin to feel like you have some control. Having said that, i think we all develop a bit of hypochondria - I was dx'd last March, I finished chemo in July and I still wonder about aches and pains....is it mets? Is it the Letrozole I am now taking? Although I wonder, I don't panic the same now. Take things day by day, lots of deep breaths, and remember you can do this. If the worry gets too much for you, ask your doctor for something to help. It did for me in the early days, and I got an Rx for Celexa and Ativan...helped enormously. My stomach was in knots for the first few weeks until I had my treatment plan in place. It does get better, it really does. Hang in there.

NJsurfer

Hey kiks1! I was diagnosed in August and I can remember the drama as each next step unfolded. It is very good news that your MRI suggests no lymph node involvement. From a "cancer" perspective that's a blessing. I had the same and was able ultimately to focus on surgery and recovery from that. Much better than the complications and fear associated with radiation and chemo. I know it is difficult especially if you are prone to hypochondria, but keep in good communication with your nurses and surgeons as well as this network. They will keep you focused and grounded and ready for each day. My advice is to take this a step at a time, get input from informed sources and stay positive. From the sounds of it you have a good prognosis. It's not easy but it is manageable!

Kiks1

CatsRus and NJsurfer, thank you so much for the comforting words. I managed to drag myself to take the dog for a walk after rolling up in bed for most of the last 2 weeks and despite my constant thoughts and fears, I do feel a little better right now. Taking each moment a breath at a time (unfortunately, easier said than done). I see my drs in 2 days and will definitely ask for some meds to get me through the nights, I think those are the worse, I feel so tired but my mind is racing. Hope it gets much better, just wish they can get all these tests done sooner and let us move on with life.

ChiSandy

We’ve all been there--and take comfort that once you know what your next steps are you WILL feel calmer and in more control. Your symptoms right now are almost certainly stress-related. Normal to feel this way at this stage of the game but it DOES get better!

leaf

I remember one poster who said when she was diagnosed, and through early treatment, she was convinced she had cancer of the hair or cancer of the toenails. As others have said, its perfectly normal to be hyperaware of anything in your body when you have been diagnosed with something serious. It makes total sense. You were diagnosed with something serious, so why can't that happen again? We all want to be safe.

DeltaLady

The diagnosis is such an important and life altering situation for us, yet test results, healing from surgery, follow-up treatment, everything takes time, and its hard on your nerves. Emotional roller coaster. Unexpected crying jags. Anger. But you find out there are so many women who have been through this, have survived, are healthy and happy. You wonder if it will ever be you. You wonder if this discomfort or that pain is going to be your new normal forever, or if it's something bad or simply side effects from some treatment or other. Then one day things get better and your life resumes. I still do the insomnia thing because my mind won't turn off in the quiet of the night, but that is partly because my husband has cancer as well. At 10 months past "the call" I have come out on the other side and have reached a version of acceptance. I think all of us, strong women, do the best we can with what we have and it's all we can ask of ourselves.

Anonymous

Oh my gosh. I STILL worry at times that every little ache and pain is cancer, and I wasn't a hypochondriac before! My medical team, post-tx, now hyperventilates about every little shift in blood work when I go for routine check ups, or any little abnormality, and they feed the hypochondriac beast even more. I used to not worry about going to see my docs, now I hate going to see anyone--dentist, doc, or other medical person.

You are perfectly normal. I think we never get over the dx and shock that we had this thing in our body. Eventually you don't focus on it so much, but it's always there to a certain degree; it just becomes part of our history, like losing a family member, or any other hurt that we've experienced. We work around it.

I lost 8 pounds in three weeks after I got my dx. I was in shock, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Xanax helped. Your feelings are perfectly justified and just know that eventually, although the " scary potholes" are still in the road, we remember where they are and don't drive into them so much, so to speak.

Hugs/clareinaz

Kiks1

Chisandy, Leaf, DeltaLady, and Claire, thank you for being here with me. It is just so hard and I get panic attacks all the time. Hard to sleep and harder to wake up to the reality that I am in. Unfortunately, patience has not been my virtue and it is really being tested at this time, Hopefully, when I see my drs tomorrow they can schedule for scans a little faster.

Girl53

I am SOOO relating to this thread...Feel like such a mess today. Every little twinge is a major catastrophe. Recently, I had to have a lifelong birthmark removed from my leg, and I was convinved I had melanoma. Developed a red spot on my cheek, ditto ditto. Hyperaware, hypervigilant, near-constant fear mode.

It is so encouraging to hear that we move out of this high anxiety phase...that people actually emerge from this okay. Wow, this has been a long late summer, fall, and early winter. Anyone else feel scared to be optimistic, lest the universe perceive them as taking something for granted? Keep feeling like my worry will somehow keep danger at bay. I know this is irrational LOL.

Kiks1

Hey Girl53, funny you should mention but I went to the dermatologist today convinced that the rash on my chin is skin mets (has been there for about 6 months). They looked at me like I was neurotic, which I really didn't mind since it was good news. But I still feel that cancer changes us in that way and we feel that our sense of security has been deeply shaken. I pray that in time we can learn to trust our bodies again, although I know I will always be vigilant from here on out.

614

Good luck.   It will get better.  Stay positive. 

Anonymous

Girl53, quote: "Keep feeling like my worry will somehow keep danger at bay. I know this is irrational"! Not irrational, rational! We feel that if we pay close attention from now on (because we perhaps didn't before) we'll catch a problem before it takes us to this place and therefore be safe. I get it!

I know the feeling. I'm always researching, looking for new tx, new supplements, new everything that is being explored to prevent recurrence. I think I've earned my PhD in BC research by now.

Girl53

Claire: I have a bachelor's in BC research and a PhD in ruminating! Part of what's happening for me, I think, is my childhood trauma history, and also that my wonderful first husband died of a brain tumor after a long struggle. My particular life has had lots of fear in it, and it's hard to shut it off or tone it down. This is a great opportunity to learn to be in the present, practice acceptance, and all those good things. Before this, I really wasn't conscious of the high anxiety level that is normal for me. You mean everyone doesn't walk around with their hair standing on end? LOL.

Thank you, 614, for the encouragement...you are always so supportive!

614

I am laughing so much.  I think that I have "my bachelor's in BC research and a PhD in ruminating" too!  That is so funny.  I also rolled on the floor laughing with the, "cancer of the hair or cancer of the toenails" comment.

I feel much better since having all of my tests on 11/22/15 and seeing my RO on 11/23/15.  I feel so much less anxious. I couldn't stop poking at my breasts to "check" them before my appointments in November. Having the biopsy really gave me peace of mind because I knew about the suspicious area since May 2015, when I had my other biopsy.   

I can really relate to everyone's anxiety on this thread.

I have an appointment to see my MO on Monday.  I cannot wait to see her.  This appointment was scheduled as my 3 month checkup.  However, now that my biopsy showed Atypical Lobular Hyperplasia with Focal Microcalcifications, I am really looking forward to seeing my MO. Now, this is a "primary" appointment rather than a 3 month checkup appointment.

My RO told me that the Arimidex/Anastrazole with stop the ALH from becoming malignant and that I should, "stay away from doctors".  I trust him so I am greatly relieved.  That being said, I am looking forward to the input from my MO, which I believe, will be the same as my RO. Confirmation will be fantastic, and that is what I am expecting.

I am really lucky because I feel that I have nothing to worry about at this time regarding bc.  I am so happy that no malignancy was found in my mammo, sono, MRI, or biopsy.

To everyone on this thread: we have all been through or are about to embark upon this bc journey.  The waiting is the worst part but it gets better even though the worry still lurks.  Good luck to everyone here and thanks for all of the support.

Happy Holidays!

Kiks1

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you all know that after some very disheartening news yesterday ( breast mri found an enlarged internal mammary gland that was suspicious) , I was able to get in to a pet scan this morning. The techs informed me that I would not get results till Monday or later since my oncologist ordered a detailed report, my heart fell. I don't know how much more waiting I could stand. I did text my oncologist (who gave me his cell phone) and he immediately called the radiologist and got me the results. No evidence of spread and negative internal mammary node! I was reading stage 4 boards to prepare for bad news all yesterday. So it seems my abdominal issues, arm pain, lump in throat, and twitches on my ribs could just be paranoia ( and hopefully they will stay that way forever). I was convinced that my cancer has already spread because of all my aches and strange ailments. Anyways, I hope this thread will give others in my shoe some light at the end of the tunnel. Please remember to have everything checked out but remember someone as convinced as I am was proven wrong.

I have learnt one thing, the power of prayer and am eternally grateful for the compassion and support of strangers that I have never met ( the people on this board) or just met ( my oncologist). I guess that is more than 1 thing, I may actually be getting smarter every day. Know that you have all touched me in one way or another.

614

I am so happy for you.  Happy Holidays.