My (perhaps controversial) thoughts as a "newbie" to CA.

ChiSandy

Don’t want to pile on here with not-so-good news, but I had bone harvested from my R iliac crest (hipbone-point) for an open-reduction/internal-fixation surgery back in 1996--and the skin over that spot is still numb. Guess it depends on which & how many nerve pathways were severed. Some regenerate, others don’t. And the skin over my SNB and lx incisions is still numb 6 mos. later...but that’s just 6 mos.

Ruth, hope you feel better.

Trill, glad to see you checking back in here. I don’t see anything about radiation in your profile--did you opt out of that too? That’s no picnic, but it’s likely to be far gentler on you in your 70s than chemo would be. As for camisoles, Amoena makes them (in various colors) with not only gently-padded shelf bras but also pockets for forms (real-weight silicone or lightweight fiberfill or foam). So the bra part would work for both the “insulation” and perhaps "intermittent discretionary augmentation.” The model is called “Valletta,” and can also be used as the top of a “tankini” swimsuit.

Trill1943

Hi ChiSandy--

Good to hear from you!

I've had a long talk with the odd nubs that are all that remain of my breasts, letting them in on the facts of life, meaning no feeling is coming to them down the line any time soon, if ever. I've told them that it's more likely Elvis will rise from his grave and serenade us...

No,no radiation. (With the boobs gone, what would they have irradiated?)

Yes, I opted out of chemo (few gains--190 days added to lifespan--and then I deducted from THAT wee bit the actual four months of chemo itself, since to me they'd have been at best sub-par).

Am perfectly happy with my decision and really shouldn't even be commenting about the numbness but then thought of it because the scar area where I had a hysterectomy years ago has "come back" to normal sensation. But I guess in that case they cut straight across and no taking out of substantial amounts of tissue....the left-hand nerves were forever severed from their right-hand mates is how I simplistically see it.

I now see the numbness as just part and parcel of never having in the first place gained much from the boob deal. Flat-chested until my mid-forties, I never much liked guys making a thing of them and felt just a blah-ness when the very rare moment happened and they were revealed and found themselves being palpated, stroked, kissed, fondled, crooned over, licked, squeezed, genuflected in front of....or frowned at.

I prolly will go to Nordstrom's and get a mast bra, or couple of them, plus the prosthesis, as medicare pays. Right now I have a five dollar walmart hooks-in-the-front bra that may end up doing as well as the non-el-cheap-o ones once I lift it off the chair back where it's being stretched. I hate trying on things in walmart....the lights are aimed at highlighting every flaw and wrinkle almost as though having been created to do just that (maybe to get us to rush out and grab off the racks any potentially flattering item in sight?).

I like that: "intermittent discretionary augmentation"--sounds like a gussied-up way of describing the bra I self-padded with wadded Spanky Pants underwear I'd armor myself with when going to U of MD International Club parties, where I'd get drunk and flirt with all the extroverted Italians and introverted Egyptians studying Poultry Sciences....on wine, none were the wiser...

ShetlandPony

Trill, you're cracking me up.

Newgirls

hi trill. Hilarious. Keep writing to us! Those Wal-mart front hook bras are the best! I wear one to bed every night and even wear them to the gym. Best $5 I've ever spent.

Anonymous

I love you Trill. You always make my day. (((hugs)))

Molly50

I love your writing, Trill. I have one breast with no feeling (breast? no it is a expander under my skin) and one natural breast who has lost all life signs except for feeling . The AI's took away the density and now it is probably a 1/2 cup smaller and droopy. I am so self conscious I don't want it touched anyway.

ChiSandy

Trill, you do know that Medicare will also pay for two mast bras a year, right?

Trill1943

Hi ladies--

Am so glad you find my writing entertaining. I'm entertained DOING it!

One thing about advanced age is that there's so much to look back on and laugh about. And bc adds another level of reality to give things (sometimes humorous) perspective.

Yes, ChiSandy, I do know about the freebie bras one can get.

Am still mulling whether I'll be just as happy with my walmart bra.

I have yet to don anything at all bra-wise as winter jackets and sweaters render that not too important. But warm weather looms and I think I'll look a bit silly waltzing out into a sunny, humid, mid-Atlantic afternoon in my L L Bean Polartec jacket. (I feel for those homeless souls who have to wear every item of clothing they possess at once or forfeit it to the winds of chance or the five fingers of fellow shelterers. Which reminds me: I recall Lorna Luft or Liza Minelli--Judy Garland's daughters--recounting how when they were kids and times were very tight money-wise they sometimes had to skip out on hotel bills and to that end grew accustomed to wearing all their clothes at once so they could flee at a moment's notice. Judy may have been able to manage it, but it's doubtful her kids could have accomplished a leap over a rainbow...)

The thing I've noticed re the breast-less state is that I had no idea that breast tissue extended along the chest wall as much as it did/does. Wearing a tee-shirt and nothing under it and catching myself in profile in a mirror I've caught my odd shape--flat chest that almost resembles a sunken one, below it the unfortunate reality of a tummy I wish were as flat but isn't. I look more and more like my father as he was moving into his 80's. Sucking in my stomach just wearies me. Wearing a belt adds unwelcome bulk but without it my pants slide down. If I hitch my belt any tighter I won't be able to digest my food. This is why I finally decided that I have to get at least something up top to help balance things out. My still-breasted friends say they envy me my state and implore me to leave myself alone but I want just a little padding up there to not feel so....naked...but a weird kind of naked....

grammakathy

Trill - I am hoping you are copying your comments to a journal that will be converted to a book that will encourage others. Your style of writing is catchy and encouraging and would boost anyone who struggles through this disease. I still remember your shock and despair in the beginning and look at you now! Thank you for continuing to inspire others

Praline

Trill- I agree with grammakathy. You write very well and your book would be interesting .. . I would certainly read it.

Anonymous

Ditto what Grandmakathy said Trill. We appreciate you being here to lend a smile

Trill1943

Thanks, grammakathy and Praline-- Appreciate your appreciation! I've been told I should get these bits and pieces of writings in some form or other out to fellow bc survivors. I love writing but hate the getting-it-out-there bit, my shyness kicking in big-time. But it may yet occur. Numbered days--which all of us have in common--do make me more antsy to complete projects, etc...

Grammakathy, yes, I sometimes read that initial posting I wrote back in the dark days of November and think--what a journey this has been! I had no idea how I'd "come through" and can only attribute it to self-preservation, good friends, and, of course, you guys here on BCO.

love you all so much....t

grammakathy

Lots of love back at you, Trill.

JBeans

Trill, you make me laugh.

I too marvel at the concavity of my chest. Well, half ofmy chest anyway. It is rather strange.

Trill1943

HI JBeans---I just put on my first bra! Since mast that is. It's the Jodee bra they put on me at the hospital....it's very comfortable and so, so adjustable....I like it....am going to lunch with a friend at Gertrude's restaurant at the Baltimore Museum of Art. Wanted to go "naked" but couldn't stand the sunken chest look...this is just enough...

JBeans

Mmmmmm...hope lunch and the company was delightful. Your afternoon sounds nice.

I wear a bra with nothing in the one side when I'm out and about on weekends and like you said, it's just enough; but,when I go to work I stuff it. I teach a challenging (but oh so nice and honest) group of kids so I figured I'd better stuff it so I don't become known as "The one boob teacher"

JBeans

oh, and if you ever do end up looking for stuffing I got a "knitted knocker" for free from that charity of the same name. It's super comfy and light. They've got my support and should I get better at knitting I might take up the practice of knitting for them.

Praline

Trill - I hope you had a great lunch.

JBeans - Yes, those knitted knockers stuffings sounded neat.

Trill1943

Hi JBeans and Praline--

Had a wonderful lunch--and a glorious day. It was 79 degrees, blue, unclouded sky, gentle breeze--no humidity...

Gertrude's was fabulous--had a scrumptious crab cake lunch followed by an ice cream sundae....my wonderful friends made it so great.

We were saddened to see that the BMA galleries were closed, but Mame suggested we go down to one of the Johns Hopkins Museums--Evergreen--once the private home of the family of this wealthy man who served as a diplomat during the Gilded Age and into the 20th C. As Mame had been curator of its library (my eyes would pop at the first editions, the shelves full of those giant Audubon bird books...), she gave me a tour. Having worked there for nine years (and in what an enviable setting!), she knew her way around and showed me all its nooks and crannies--pointing out the Tiffany lamps and the largest private collection of T art glass, the case holding a restored ball gown, even the servants rooms, replete with the robe of the head chambermaid hanging on a door, huge master bath with tiny mosaic tiles floor to ceiling, brass fittings, a deep tub, marble...you name it.

As I'd just two days before--and as many of you also perhaps--been watching Downton Abbey's finale, my head was ripe to see all this and I was gaga. The Modigliani portrait on one wall, the French porcelain, the Chinese and Japanese objects, even a carved opium smoker's couch. The diplomat owner had had painted on the library shelves, tucked in between the intricate carvings, scenes from where he'd served. On one wall were signed and inscribed photographs of famous men--Pershing, Presidents Taft, Roosevelt, Hoover, Coolidge, Wilson, Mussolini...

Mussolini?

Yes, well, this photo was from back before he became....um...evil.

I'd given Mame a little gift of these folding blocks I'd painted and put together and she so loved it she hustled us to the director's office to show him. The director asked me if we'd been to the theatre--where plays were put on for guests. Yes, I'd seen it and been amazed--the curtain, the black-painted floor, the Leon Bakst (of Ballet Russe fame) decor. Even one of his ballet costume designs, discovered in the attic, had been beautifully restored and encased in a vitrine.

Then he turned to me and said your blocks--there are now about 2800--would look so great on the theatre's black floor.

I'd told him that I had them arranged like a piece of sidewalk.

They've offered me a show in the winter! They also want some of these folding blocks to sell in their shop...

None of this was anticipated or planned....my head was spinning...

I know I'm gushing. It's hard not to. After this long, cold winter the day was enough of a beauty and a blessing in and of itself. But Evergreen? And my blocks--where Panty likes to sleep--on display? O wow!

And my bra was so well behaved!

t

ChiSandy

Trill, mazel tov on so many levels!

DisneyGirl16

Trill, That is fantastic!!! Can you share pictures of your blocks? I would love to see them!

Trill1943

Thanks ChiSandy!

And yes, Disneygirl16, I have two shots of the blocks laid out...but how do I post them so you can see? Am so low-tech it's pretty silly...t

JBeans

Nice weather, crab cakes, ice cream, all that history and interesting things to see and learn about, and oh WOW, you are going to have a show!

I'm so glad you had such an amazing day. It sounds like it was just fantastic.

Yay you! Poor old Miss. P will just need to find another desirable location for naps.

I'd like to see some of your painted blocks too. If you've got the pictures on your computer I think you can use the button that looks like mountains in a frame at the top of the window you type these posts in and then....I'm not entirely sure. You'd probably have to select the individual picture files .jpg(?) you want to show. Please correct me if I'm out to lunch(mmmm...... crab cake lunch) anyone who knows posting picturesbetter than me as I've only done it once.

Trill1943

Hi JBeans-

Will give that a try.....

I've told Miss P my "news"--that she has to let her sidewalk move--get it? moving sidewalk?--for a little bit, but not until after fair weather ends....

The picture--if indeed it does come through--shows back when there were 2000 blocks (or thereabouts) but I've added about a thousand to it....now Miss P and I BOTH can run down it...side by side!

OK, here goes the experiment...love to you, t

Trill1943

P.S. Seems to have worked! Thanks, JBeans....

Molly50

Absolutely beautiful, Trill! I am so happy to read about your wonderful adventure. It sounds like something I would enjoy.

Anonymous

((gasp!)) Trill, how beautiful! And your adventure made me smile! You go girl! And Pantaloon too

MelissaDallas

Beautiful. I'll crown you an honorary "quilter

Trill1943

Hi Molly50--

Thanks for your sweet words....yes, adventure is out there, just waiting!

p.s. If that is you in your avatar photo---I think it's safe to assume it is--it looks as if you have a little bundle of an adventure already in your arms...

love, t

Trill1943

Hi MelissaDallas--

Thanks!

Yes, it does look like a quilt, doesn't it? I never thought of it that way...

t