Angry

marisa127

I just finished my first chemo of AC. I'm 36 years old with stage 2b. I have a 3 yearold daughter and I'm married.

I wish someone could tell me why this is happening to me. I'm angry at everyone. This isn't fair. There are so many rotten people in this world and I have to be the chosen one. How can anyone have faith in God after being dealt this hand?

JBeans

I'm sorry.

I was angry too. Now, not so angry - I think.

I am 39 with a 3 year old too (and a 6 year old) and a husband.

It's not fair at all.

There are lots of knowledgable people on these boards and it has been helpingme to read about how they are coping.

:-)

marijen

Hi JBeans, you are right, it's not fair. Life is not fair. At least it wasn't in your nodes.... I hope the Tamoxifen will keep you safe.

JBeans

Marije - I am thankful for that and so many other blessings in my life. I truly believe that there is a sliding scale of "not fair" and I'm on the very light end of it compared to so many on this planet. I hope so too. Taking that pill every morning feels like I am taking a little bit of control over this and gives me a small sense of power.

Marisa - anger to me seems perfectly reasonable. I wish you the best. Hope you kick its ass and find your way back to your faith.

debiann

Marisa, I'm so sorry you are going through this at such a young age and with a family to care for. I was 53 at dx and my kids are grown. Makes it easier to accept. I don't know why this has happened to you, but the one thing I've learned in life is that very bad things happen to very good people.

I'm a teacher. Sometimes I provide homebound instruction to children in a nursing facility. Some of the children have severe birth defects and need such extreme care that they cannot live at home. Others have wasting diseases like Muscular Dystrophy. Some are victims of car accidents, near drownings, falls or even child abuse. One sad story after another. I am sure that every family there asks why us. Sometimes life is inexplicably unfair. No one knows why.

But I do know that while something terrible has happened to you, you were also given many blessings. You have a (presumably) healthy 3 year old daughter! And a wonderful husband, I'm sure! Most of us have learned that the key to getting through this is to focus on the positives in your life. Spending too much time on the negatives only allows cancer to steal yet one more thing from you.

I hope things get easier for you.

Meow13

I am angry we don't have a safe easy fix for BC.

debiann

Meow, that one makes me angry too. So much "awareness" and fun raising, but where's the cure?

voraciousreader

As my wise mother once said, actually, she said it numerous times, "Life isn't fair." But she also used to say, "Where there is life, there is hope." Actually, she never said that, but when I get weary, I do say that to myself! Saying that to yourself in front of a mirror or before you close your eyes on your pillow should make this nightmare journey a little bit easier and the road a little less rocky.

And if you need to rant, we are always here for you! Gentle hugs are all around you....

Holeinone

Marisa, sorry, not fair, being a young mom, and now having to tackle A/C. It is referred to the "Red Devil" for its color, and it's devilish side effects.

I think we go through stages of denial, grief, anger.....posting helps. Whine, rant, bitch & moan. Those of us that have been in your shoes get it, completely.

greenwillow3

Thank you so much for your honesty!!!! I have been soooo angry since my diagnosis. State IV Breast Cancer. My husband was killed in Iraq two years ago and we have two beautiful daughters. I really don't know why in the world people think God loves us. God has failed me and my daughters.

MusicLover

Me too, I'm angry also. Stage IV with a tumor literally on my chest, I started a prayer thread as a form of meditation and to talk to God, I hope he hears us. It is normal to be angry, I have screamed some times. Life was perfect before this happened to me. I pray for a cure, and pray, and pray. CANCER SUCKS!!! (I am so sorry for your loss GreenWillow and for your dx).

Edited: I want to make sure that I state that I am angry at the cancer. I missed that you said that you are angry at others, that won't help much. I also immediately thought of those who have had it worse and those that have it better and I put myself in the middle somewhere, not great but not terrible (although at times this does feel terrible.) I think that over time things will get better and it will be good for you to connect with others who are similar age, diagnosis and treatment as you and also with a small child.

LisaAlissa

Marisa, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this really rotten situation. Anger is a very reasonable response--both to begin with and from time to time. (Although perhaps not anger with everyone...)

You're asking one of the classic questions asked by people of faith. (You said: "How can anyone have faith in God after being dealt this hand?" Greenwillow says: " I really don't know why in the world people think God loves us. God has failed me and my daughters.") May I suggest, Harold Kushner's classic When Bad Things Happen to Good People which is almost certainly available in your local library.

The Amazon description says:

"When Harold Kushner's three-year-old son was diagnosed with a degenerative disease and that he would only live until his early teens, he was faced with one of life's most difficult questions: Why, God? Years later, Rabbi Kushner wrote this straightforward, elegant contemplation of the doubts and fears that arise when tragedy strikes. Kushner shares his wisdom as a rabbi, a parent, a reader, and a human being. Often imitated but never superseded, When Bad Things Happen to Good People is a classic that offers clear thinking and consolation in times of sorrow."

There are lots of other good discussions of exactly your question. I don't know what faith traditions you and greenwillow come from, but almost certainly there are discussions which come from your faith's perspective...and you may have someone in your own local community of faith who can help when you need to talk w/ someone and ask the hard questions--even though there are no easy answers.

Hang in there...and my best wishes for all of us.

LisaAlissa

marisa127

My husband and I had a long discussion about God. All my life I was scared about God and making sure that I do good. I came to a realization that any God that allows this to happen to good people is not anyone / entity I want to worship. What about all the rotten people in the world that nothing happens to them?

Bounce

One does not have to have cancer to question God!

Surely there is enough of other people's and animals suffering for us all to ask: How can God allow this?

In my opinion it is arrogance and ignorance to think someone else - whoever they may be - deserves their troubles as a God given punishment. Who am I to judge someone else?

Having said that - and I hope I haven't upset anyone too much by being blunt - I seem to have made 3 decisions when I was diagnosed:

1. I would leave God out of things. I decided neither to blame God or ask for anything personally. Other people asked if they could pray on my behalf and I was very touched by their offers and agreed. As long as they weren't expecting me to be praying I had no problem with it. I decided that I have never been able to answer the question of how God allows cruelty to exist in the world - I wouldn't make my personal problem bigger than anyone else's and make it a deal breaker.

As I always have - if I am in the mood to rely on myself I do so. If I feel like asking for God's help with something (like my children's well being) I do. If I feel like thanking God for something (like being in a place where I have good medical treatment) I do.

2. Maintain a positive outlook. This is often easier said than done. I don't believe being cheerful is a miracle cure for cancer but I do believe it makes my immune system stronger and that it will help me and all those around me get through cancer with less damage. Sometimes my thoughts could harm me more than the actual disease. At those times I make a conscious decision to claw my way up out of despair and back to happiness. For some people exercise, meditation, support groups, psychologist, art therapy etc. are a help. You have to find what works for you.

At my worst if I just get up and go for a slow walk - no tension - just let my body do what it can - I begin to feel better. It is literally taking a small step towards happiness. I also like to think: Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright - it's not the end.

3. Due to Tamoxifen I cannot remember the third thing! If it come back to me I will return and edit the post.

Sometimes our mental suffering is worse than our physical suffering. We have little control over the physical but can play a major role in dealing with the mental anguish.

Sending a hug to all those in need of one. You are never alone once you have joined BCO. There will always be a sister "in your pocket" or ready with advise for a problem or just there to listen to a rant.

LisaAlissa

Hi Marisa,

It sounds like you and your husband are having some profound conversations. I don't blame you for being scared of God if you thought you had to do enough good to "deserve" ______ (heaven? to be an adherent?).

My heart dropped when I read your message: "All my life I was scared about God and making sure that I do good."

It seems to me that whatever tradition you come out of didn't have enough focus on grace. Receiving the love and blessings of God, even though we don't deserve it. For me, living a "christian life" is a response to that grace, rather than an attempt to somehow "earn" God's blessings. It's not a "quid pro quo," since I can never provide enough "quid" to earn the "quo."

While I don't know what faith tradition you come out of (so I can't speak to that), mine is a Lutheran/Episcopalian-flavored Christianity. One of my favorite things about the Episcopal Church in the USA is that people (rightly, I think) say you do not have to "check your brain at the door." Questions and challenges to faith and belief are welcomed.

It's always seemed to me that some churches do seem to ask that (that you check your brain at the door). And have "faith" even when it seems to contradict facts as you know them. And I've never been willing to "go there."

Since I started out (in my last post in this thread) pointing you at a book, let me do that again. Let me suggest Marcus Borg's The Heart of Christianity: Rediscovering a Life of Faith, which discusses (among a lot of other things) how those two major paradigms (the one it sounds like you've been living in and the one I live in) relate to Christianity and the resultant Christian life.

(This presumes a Christian faith tradition...please tell me if we should be talking about a different tradition. If it's one I'm not familiar with, I'm sure we have members here who share it.)

I am (and remain) profoundly sorry that you're having to deal with BC. But I hope that you and your husband keep talking...

LisaAlissa

exbrnxgrl

My perspective, as a non-Christian, is a bit different, but similar too Lisaalissa.

I believe that everyone deserves G-d's love and blessings, but we are not guaranteed them, or anything, regardless of how well we have lived our lives. There is no debit and credit system and I don't think G-d or anyone, has promised us that life would be fair. To believe so, sets one up for great disappointment. I have tried to lived as honorably as possible and quite a few trials have been part of my life. That's just life

The beginning of your time with bc is definitely the roughest. Get the anger out, but don't waste time dwelling there or scrutinizing the past . BTW, Harold Kushner's book is great. Take care.

marisa127

I'll take a look at that book. I'm also going to read the God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.

LisaAlissa

Hi Marisa!

Not sure which of the two books I suggested you're planning to take a look at...Kushner's or Borg's. Or maybe both? At any rate, I'll be interested to hear what you think.

The God Delusion is an interesting book, although perhaps not the best representation of the viewpoint it espouses. You may want to look at a couple of the (many) literary reviews of the book. Here's a link to one from The New York Times. Here's another from the London Review of Books.

That you're pursuing such serious questions is a testament to your interest and commitment in pursuing and developing your own views. Do you have people you can discuss such questions with? That can be very helpful as you pursue these matters.

Hope you're doing well with your chemo,

LisaAlissa

etc: "and" to "as" in the penultimate sentence.

Kim513

Stage 3c... operable.

Double mastectomy with 20 lymphnodes removed 19 cancerous. Currently undergoing chemo and then radiation. I do understand being angry.

But let the anger fuel your will to get better. Turn it into something that will help you. Anger for many reason binds you and can hold one hostage allowed.

Wouldn't wish this on anyone but it's the hand dealt so I will rely on my faith in God How can anyone get by without the faith.

All the best.

littleblueflowers

What I've found is- anger is debilitating. Rage, on the other hand, cold, clear eyed, berserker, do whatever you have to do to live, rage will get you through this if its an emotion you have a lot of. Save questioning for later when you have more resources. For now, you have an enemy, and you know it and have named it and have weapons (surgery, chemo, etc) to fight it. Much love!

NoWhyToIt

Hi Angry!

i was angry, too. But look at it this way, why NOT us? What makes any one of us so special that we are immune. It might make you feel better to think that none of us is immune eventually to some physical ailment. So the bad guys will have their turn. It's just about when. I don't even feel guilty about thinking that. And another thing that helps is being kind to people. It's the only thing that makes me feel better actually. Now one big hug coming at you. You are not alone!

Englishmummy

NoWhy, great advice. I look at it as" why not me?" too. Twisting it around feels more empowering, in my opinion. I sincerely hope that I took the hit for a friend or a family member, at least that's what I like to believe. I too feel sad that there is no definitive answer as why it happened to me, but I don't dwell and I most definitely don't look at what I did wrong (nothing)...we got a duff deal, a bad hand. Period.

I don't believe in God, never have, but in my mind these circumstances ( especially those in stage iv, those that are super young, well, any of us to be honest), just reaffirms my position. But, I understand Religion and Faith bring a lot of healing and comfort to many and I would never condemn or influence another: it is ok to step away from your Faith - reassess it and what it does for you - even Mother Theresa did that. The reality is you can always step back in line with it, perhaps with a new found understanding and vigour.

Stay strong, don't feel guilty for any of your emotions, you are entitled to them all. The anger will likely fade with time and you should reach a place where, even though you still don't understand, you can accept. It IS all so hard.

My very best to you. Xx