Feel like I've been given a death sentence...

PezGal

bummer post: I don't know if I'm being dramatic or realistic. In August I had a breast lump, but an otherwise normal life. In September I was diagnosed with DCIS, 3.5cm, ER/PR -, grade 3, and that sucked. Before my lumpectomy in October we found out I'm BRCA1 positive so surgery was changed to a bmx. That sucked even more. Had surgery on the 20th and initial results has the nodes clear. Went for pathology results today and apparently there was a 1.3cm invasive component and one (of seven) nodes came back positive. Bam! Stage 2b. Chemo is now in my near future. Her2 isn't back yet but I read that BRCA1 ppl tend to be triple negative. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong so far so I wouldn't doubt that if this has spread to a node it miight have spread anywhere. Seems to me a lot of the stage iv ladies started out right where I am now. And triple negative (probably) to boot... I would say "I've got a young child I desperately NEED to see grow into a wonderful man" but if cancer gave two sh*ts about ppl with kids 1/2 of this board would be empty (it doesn't give the two sh*ts who you are, everyone has something /one to lose). So here I am pretty sure I'm gonna be dead in ten years at the ripe old age of 50. I can't decide if I want to cuddle with my three year old and sniff his hair all night and hope he doesn't elbow me in the chest or get a 12pack of Miller lite and drink till it's funny or I pass out (or both). The kid is off the hook so husband is putting him to bed, andI'm on antibiotics so alcohol is out (besides "they" say alcohol causes cancer, huh, cruel world). So, I'm gonna take a Tylenol pm and dream about better days. Try to conjur up a better attitude for tomorrow. Today I'm just utterly heartbrken...

Meadow

Pezgal, yes that is a bummer post. But you have every right to be bummed.Cancer sucks. And I am so sorry you have been diagnosed, and are going through this. OK, now.....you will feel stronger than you do at this moment. And you will have to fight to regain your health. But you know it is so worth it to fight. And do sniff the 3 year old's hair...often! that is good medicine. You can do this...I am triple neg IBC, which is a very aggressive and nasty kind of cancer....and I am NED, or No Evidence of Disease for 2 years now. I fight hard to be positive and I have great prayer warriors, and great medical care. This is my triple punch that knocked cancer on it's ass....and you can too! Do not despair, do not give up. We here are living proof that cancer is not a death sentence. I hope this helps, that is my intention, to help. I suggest you seek the thread of when you will start chemo, and join in. If you are starting in Oct or Nov there will be a thread for all those starting chemo that month, I joined my Sept 2013 thread and we are still a sisterhood, and love and support each other. If there isnt a Nov 2015 thread start one! Others will join and you will find great support in others doing treatment at the same time. If you are indeed triple neg, please join the "Calling all TNs" in the triple negative forum. This very active thread will give you tons of info and support. So see...you got this! Hugs to you.

littleblueflowers

Deep breath, Pez. You are in the worst of it now. As you get more info you will feel more in control. Yes, it's horrid and terrifying, but plan to be around for a long time. You just have to fight now. You can do it. Promise!

Skittlegirl

Hugs. Just one day at a time. I am also 2b, but intend to do my best to see all my kids grow up and live their own lives. It's not a walk in the park for treatment and there are hard, crappy days, but this won't last forever.

You might look into if you have a Young Survivors group nearby. I absolutely adore my fellow sisters. It's great to meet up with those that have been in your shoes.

As for drinking, well talk it over with your MO. One of my warrior sisters had an MO that was ok with moderate drinking, which is what she needed to get through chemo.

mdg

I am so sorry you find yourself here. The beginning is the most scary and difficult part. My son was only 4 when I was diagnosed and it has been almost 5 years since then. I still worry if I will be here to watch him completely grow up. Take it one day at a time. The treatment can be a long road, but you can move forward one step at a time. Hugs to you!

PezGal

Thanks for the replys, you guys. I shouldn't have come on here such a gloomy gus spreading bad vibes. I was just at my wits end. Can't let my brain go there... BUT, today is a new day, going to try to be proactive, stay positive, and make Halloween goodies for my boy' daycare/preschool class Halloween party tomorrow.

2timer

I agree, having cancer is a drag and it is very scary. But with time and treatment you'll start to believe you will have a future. You might even have some benefits even though I hate to say that word in conjuction with a cancer dx. I appreciate what I have more now, and I don't take things for granted like I used to and believe it or not I have changed from a glass half empty to glass half full person. Try not dwell on what *might* happen and keep yourself in the day. Remember stage 2 is still considered an early cancer and odds are you won't be dealing with it again in your lifetime.

And stay away from the stage iv boards.

PezGal

Lol! My husband and mom say they're going to take my phone away if I don't stop googling. But, I do agree that there can be a silver lining to all of this, and that is a greater appreciation for loved ones and life in general. I try to kiss my son constantly and he's like "yuck!". And, yeah, I feel like a jerk complaining about stage 2 when other people have more serious things going on. I need to get perspective.

JulieAggie03

PezGal-There is nothing wrong with coming on here to vent, we all get it and understand! You and I are in a very similar boat except that I opted for the chemo first in hopes of shrinking my large 4cm tumor to be able to do a lumpectomy. Well scratch that because in the meantime I found out I am BRCA1 positive. Now I will be doing double mastectomy when chemo is over this December. I also have a young one, my son is 4. I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to not think about the possibility I won't be around to see him grow up. Sounds like you and your medical team are doing everything possible to kill the beast and reduce your risk of recurrence or new cancer. Chemo sucks but it is tolerable and not as bad our minds think in the beginning! And I agree stop Googling and don't read about Stage IV, no good can come of that!

We will get through this and we will see our baby boys turn into young men!

Hugs~Julie

p.s. I still have the occasional glass of wine or beer! Even went to a bachelorette party a few weeks ago!

DiabeticCancerChick

Wine lover here, and also stage 2b. My mother, who got breast cancer 28 years ago, is also a wine lover at age 81. Her cancer was ER/PR negative, and was considered fast growing, and hormone suppressing agents were not an option for her then, but she's cancer-free all these years later. Sometimes I read this board and assume that I will progress to stage 4 because it just seems like so many of us do, but if all those who don't progress to that stage after many years were to post just as much as those who do, it might give us a slightly different perspective.

Anyway, I love my wine and I'm not giving it up. Just so you know.

SelenaWolf

Stage 2B, IDC ER/PR+ HER2- Grade 2 with one positive node here. I had a lumpectomy for a 2.4cm lump followed by dose-dense chemotherapy and five weeks' of radiation. I was 50 when I was diagnosed and my mother was just completing her five-year milestone.

I'm now four years out and, so far, so good. My mother is, also, doing well at the age of 84 years.

I made the decision early on that I didn't want to be afraid to eat anything or drink anything "just in case" it would cause me to relapse. I just could not imagine living every day of my life like that. I figured that I had been given a second chance at life and I didn't want to spend the rest of it twisting myself up in knots about the maybes. So... I still drink wine. I still enjoy pasta and smoked salmon. I still celebrate my birthday with a slice of triple-chocolate cake with chocolate chunks, slathered in dark chocolate icing with chocolate shavings on top.

But, I'll admit, it took me a good two year's post cancer to reach a truly peaceful place for myself. It's possible to get there, but be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Cancer- and cancer treatment sucks, but you can get through it and move forward. Allow yourself to grieve and feel angry; these are perfectly valid responses to what is happening to you. I, personally, found anger to be a great motivator. It pushed me to hang in there and keep going when all I wanted to do was stop. Use your fear and anger to keep you strong.

You can do this.

momand2kids

Pez

feel free to be dramatic-- -this part is tough-- but you will at some point soon have all the information and you will just put your head down and do what you have to do to come out on the other side....

I am 7 years out today (!!!) feel great-- things are good.... my kids were 7 and 12-- now one is in college, the other in high school. I fully expect to be around when they graduate and go off into their own lives!!!

My new favorite quote "So far you have survived 100% of your worst days. You are doing great!" You are at the "worst day" but it will pass--- you will get through it!

pjreeder

Hey kiddo, don't assume you have a death sentence. I had a Stage II Grade 3 diagnosis too-----in 2009. I also had an Oncotype test with a 45% chance of recurrence. I am still here, and I live just like I used to. Didn't become a a diet guru, still have a beer or hard drink once in a while. Still have desserts. Have been through years of stress, and it's all good. God has a plan for all of us, and your number isn't up until He says so. So, be of good cheer. Plan to see your family grow up. It's going to be okay. Know that you are loved!!!

PezGal

Hey pjreeder - I don't know much about you, but my dad also calls me kiddo. I find your words comforting. Thanks. I'm kind of embarrassed of the title of this post. So dramatic, but that's where I was at the time ( and still am a lot). I think I've pin pointed my problems to the utter lack of control. I might be one of those "needs control people" and maybe that's why I find myself combing the internet looking for answers that don't exist? The fact that that we take our best knowledge, and plans, and will, and just throw it to the wind and see what happens is the part that bothers me most. I would gladly go through chemo and all of this hoopla if I could guarantee a cancer free outcome. Sadly, there are no guarantees in life. It's a really hard lesson to learn in such a short time span.

Anyway, I have my CT/PET scan Monday.... My newest worry obsession. If I can make it through that clean I can do anything. Please, please, please just let me have a clean scan. Fingers crossed!!!!

NatsFan

Hi PezGal - Stage IIb, Grade 3, positive node here too. And I'll be 8 years out this December and I'm still rockin'. Yep, that positive node will certainly throw you for a loop, won't it? And Grade 3 sounds scary. But as my onc said, it also means that chemo tends to be very effective for Grade 3 tumors since they divide faster than lower grades, and chemo targets the fastest dividing cells.

When I was first dx, someone who'd been through cancer gave me some excellent advice - "Don't go there until you get there." Meaning, don't get too far down the road with what "might" happen. Deal with the decisions you have to make now and leave the other stuff until you get there. My husband and I took that as our mantra - if one of us got too far down the road with "what ifs", all the other one had to do was repeat the mantra. And a glass of good wine can certainly help!!

As everyone else has said, those first few weeks after diagnosis this is the absolutely worst time. Once you get more info and get a "game plan" into place, it does get better. I promise.

PezGal

I wish I could give "Likes" on BCO, cause I wan to "like" you all! Thanks for the supportive comments. One day at a time...

DivePuppy

Pez Gal, I just found this thread. I was looking for a place to vent! The frustration happens to all of us, so don't worry about that part! Please let us know how you are doing. It's been a while since you posted.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!