Just not feeling it

cathycteach

Just not feeling it

cathycteach

Hi

I am at a loss here.  So I need to let it all out and ask for help.  I am 47.  

I was with my bf for about a year before my diagnosis.  He was very supportive and took me to many of my doc appt. Now after all the surgeries are done.  BMX , the recon, the pt,and so on I just don't want to be sexual. 

The tamoxifen has done the whole menopause thing.  I still feel mutilated.   My recon is great though.  My implants don't make me feel any better about myself. I don't want them touched.  I don't like having them touched. And my arm swells.  I bandage it every night.  I just hate it. 

I have put on about 25 pounds and don't like the way I look.  I also have fibromyalgia so exercise is hard bc I hurt all the time and I am exhausted from my teaching job and being a single mom to a young adult with emotional   Issues and a son with autism.  These all cause problems.  

I avoid romance and physical closeness.  Probably bc I feel bad about myself.  But he has his own issues.   He is not happy with himself either.  

I have joined weight watchers but no weight loss yet.  

The bf and I are more like friends.  But he says he loves me.   I love him but I just can't get close.   My therapist says to spend some time working on me. 

I just don't feel romantic anymore.   He is mad bc he stood by me through that and now I feel different.  And he says he loves me.  Cue the guilt.  

But part of it is also is not medically or financially taking care of himself and that is a concern.   It bothers me. It is a pattern.   I doubt me saying anything will help bc I have made numerous suggestions and he just goes along and ignores his problems.  

Help?

TectonicShift

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Meadow

Cathy, Like Tec said above, you are not alone. We all are adjusting to new bodies, and throw in being menopausal age, stresses at home....who can feel sexy? Arousal and desire start in the mind, you might ask yourself if you find him appealing in that way. If the answer is yes, everything will come back. Try not to overthink it. As far as not wanting your recon touched...you say it is great, yes! That is so wonderful. You have a new normal for yourself...can you not see yourself letting him explore it with you? Maybe sharing that intimacy together and seeing yourself through his loving eyes will ignite a passion in you...just a thought. Keep trying with small steps. I think you may have a supportive and caring person with you that might be a source of joy, we all can use joy, yes?

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We are in similar boats. I was diagnosed at 44 and I'm now 48. My metabolism is nowhere near what it once was. I am VERY knowledgeable about diet and very thoughtful with my food choices and good managing portions. I do challenging yoga 5 days a week for 60-90 mins. I'm 2 sizes bigger than I was, my long hair is gone, boobs are gone, have put on middle-aged weight from chemopause, have a very unattractive right arm with lymphedema. My arm looks like that of an out of shape 80 year old. It reminds me exactly of my grandmother's arm. Men call this "bingo wings." I have a damn bingo wing. My reconstruction just does not look good due to very real serious complications. I've gone to a world-class surgeon to fix me up and he tried his very best, but it is what it is. I haven't had nipple tattoing because I'm wondering if my chest result could be improved. But I really don't think so, so I am thinking of going forward with that. I've had major digestive issues since menopause and I believe that also impacts my weight. My loving boyfriend has stood by me during all of this, but it has definitely taken it's toll. I feel really fat and uncomfortable in my clothes and skin today. It isn't mental, it is physical. Every time I go to my doctors my weight is up, up, up, up...like 1-2 lbs up every single appointment across the span of 20 appointments. I am up about 30 lbs now and not wearing it well. I have an extra small frame. Most of my life up until 44 I wore size XS or XXS. Does anyone have a time machine? I'm depressed.