Does anyone else have super unhelpful parents?

39andhip

Hi all - I thought I would try venting here. I've noticed that a lot of people who go through this get a lot of help from their parents - taking care of kids, etc. Does anyone else have parents who are NOT HELPFUL at all? Or am I the only one? My parents live just a few blocks away and have gotten angry with me for 'shutting them out' but whenever I ask them to do something to help out, it turns into this ridiculously complicated scenario that I really just don't need right now. I do believe they care and know they love me very much, but they are adding so much stress to my life right now it's beyond ridiculous. I just came to the realization that they were a major source of my stress as I lay in bed unable to sleep last night, then I cried all night after realizing I need to deal with this, like, today. I'm having a mastectomy with DIEP recon in a few weeks and am hoping they can help out, but... geez. I'd love to hear from others with similar problems so I know I'm not alone.

glennie19

My Mom has not been a help to me at all.  For me, that is nothing new, as she has never been there for me, so it's not like I expected it.  She would make this whole thing all about her.  **oh my poor daughter has BREAST CANCER"  and would be wringing her hands, wondering what to do.  Where my friends just dive in, bring food, walk the dog, drive me to appt's., etc.

I'm sorry that your parents are not helpful and make things so complicated.  You do NOT need the stress coming from them.  I would consider asking friends for help, and not including them in your plans at all.  If they ask to help, have them bring food, cuz if they do, great,,, if there is plenty already, you can stick it in the freezer.  And if they don't, your other support system friends have fed you. 

SummerAngel

My parents aren't helpful at all, but they also live 5 hours away (Grand Junction, since you live in CO you know where that is ). I'm also used to it, though, it's their way. My mom was a basket case from the time she found out about the cancer, but similar to Glennie's mom, a lot of it was to gain attention from everyone at her church and groups. My dad would be helpful if he could, but he's 78 and getting really frail so he can't do what he used to. My parents both came out after my surgery and it was a disaster. My mom spent the entire time acting like she does during a typical visit, bugging me about what were were going to eat and taking naps. She planted a couple of flowers in my front yard, that was the extent of her helpfulness. I was very grateful for my two very helpful sisters and my friends. They were all great.

Ridley

39andhip -- sorry to hear your parents are adding stress to your situation. Is this typical behavior for them or is it new? If its new, then I wonder where its coming from? Do you think they are scared? Do you think it would help to have a conversation about the situation?

I'm a few years older than you and single and I've moved in with my parents after every surgery (4 in the last two years) -- mostly for a few days, but for a few weeks after I had bilat mast + diep recon. It was great to be there and have them help, but it wouldn't have been if it created stress for me. I find that they really want to be helpful, and if I am really specific in what I need help with, it seems to work well.

If you share a couple of examples of where things have turned being more complicated than they should be, maybe we could brainstorm a few ideas?

ElaineTherese

My parents live clear across the country from me so they've been no help. But, even if they lived a few blocks away, they would just add to the stress of my life. They are very set in their ways, and everything they do (going to the store, making dinner, paying their taxes) is a huge production. My brother lives a half an hour away from my parents, and they can't even help him with the smallest of tasks (e.g., looking after his dog for a few hours). We never expected them to visit and say, help out with the kids. I was lucky that a friend set up a page for me at Lots-a-Helping-Hands and could rely on support from my friends and work colleagues. Friends may be more valuable than family for you.

MsPharoah

Hello, I lost my mother at a young age, so I'm not sure if she would have been a helpful mom or not. But my MIL was the absolute worst and I learned my lesson early not to ask her for help. I remember after my son was born, I had many labor and delivery complications and had to go to many doctor apps with a young baby. It took a lot to ask her to care for my baby....her first Grandchild... so I could go to the doctors. She couldn't because she had a manicure appointment! My inlaws never invited my children to their home for a sleep over or even out to lunch. They used to comment about my children being distant, not calling them or sending them gifts as they grew. Gosh, I wonder how that happened?

Sadly, if your parent's behavior is normal, there may be nothing you can do to change them. If it is new, tell them how you feel and let them know how much you need your parents.

39andhip

Thanks for the comments, everyone. Keep them coming. Ridley - I'm happy to provide specific stories... I was just trying not to go overboard with excessive whining. LOL. I actually semi had it out with my mom after my first surgery, and since then, I've tried to be very specific in my requests because I thought it might help my parents to be more helpful. The most recent example is that I have a doctor's appointment an hour away on Monday. The appointment is not until 4 PM, so I probably won't be back until 6:30 or so. I'd like my husband to come with me, mostly because driving stresses me out, but also just because. So I asked my parents if they could pick my kids up from day care/summer camp and feed them dinner. My mom said yes, BUT... and that is the thing, there is always a BUT. She is happy to watch them BUT wants me to pick them up and drop them off at her house because she doesn't want to have to drive to pick them up. Three miles away. And this is crazy because I need to leave town around 2:30 and my son will just be finishing up his nap, and my daughter will be off somewhere with the day camp, returning to the child care center at 3:15, so I would have to get my son, then go find her and then bring her to my mom's. It would be so much simpler if my mom would just get in the freaking car and pick them up, take them home, and keep them until we get back. I know a lot of this centers around the fact that my parents do not drive a lot - they are die hard environmentalists/bicyclists, which makes it very difficult to shuttle kids around. But, they do know how to drive! And they have a car! So... could you make an exception?! Maybe just a few times while I'm going through the most difficult time of my life?! Geez.

Anyway, this is pretty typical in that they are not usually very helpful, so I should not expect a change. Thanks to all of you who pointed this out. (Seriously - it is helpful to come to this realization.) OTOH, I do feel like they have been worse than usual? I can usually count on them with plenty of advance notice, and considering this is a pretty unique time of my life and they claim to want to help, I'm wondering why they can't be just slightly more flexible. I know I need to just tell them, look, if I ask you to do something, either say yes or no; you're either on the bus or off it, no in between. The thing is I don't want to sound ungrateful, and I'm debating whether it is less stressful for me to just grin and bear it or to have a huge fight with my mom potentially leading to us not talking to each other. I don't think I could handle that right now.

BarredOwl

Hi 39andHip:

I had to laugh, because the kids need to be picked up by someone, so the environmental impact is neutral - it's either you or them chowing down on fossil fuels and spewing greenhouse gases. Maybe it is that they are older, nervous drivers and having kids in the car is not as easy for them as it once was.

You mentioned that they have been helpful with plenty of advance notice. Some older people are sometimes kind of set in their routine, and the advance notice gives them time to adapt to change. When possible, give them as much advance notice as you can, and you can cancel later. I can't think of anything else, other than if they tell you they want to help, you could ask them what they would be comfortable doing.

I have been on both sides (also a support person). I found that different family members have quite different and often complementary skills. The questions you ask are good ones: who and how can they help. Once you've realistically figured that out, sometimes it is easier to quickly make peace with the way people are and tap into the kind of support they are capable of giving.

BarredOwl

39andhip

BarredOwl - I agree, I have definitely realized that different types of people can give different types of help, and it is much easier for me to just accept the type of help that people CAN give and not compare it to what others do. I think the difficult part is that my parents will say they want to do something, and will agree to do it, but then it is always more complicated than it needs to be. Like... I don't want to hear the logistics of how you are going to make it work out - just either say you can do it and do it, or say you can't do it and don't. I think another complicating factor is that my mom seems resentful (or something? not sure what) of the help that my friends give me. And it's sort of like... I would have asked you first, but you just make things more stressful. And oddly enough, they aren't even that old...

BarredOwl

39andhip:

Bit of a catch-22 and frustrating.

BarredOwl

Italychick

my mom lives 2,000 miles away, thankfully, and she made my diagnosis all about her. She told all the relatives, and they told me she cried, and made it a pity party about her. Finally, weird rumors got back to me about the gossip, and I called and chewed her ass out and didn't talk to her for several weeks. Even now, 7 months later, every time I talk to her the main question is but they got it all, right? You are cancer free? Um, it doesn't work that way. And every discussion turns into one about all her health woes, and like somehow she can relate to what I've gone through. Um no, you didn't have poison injected into your body that made all hair quit growing, tore up your digestive tract, taste buds, and caused neuropathy and weight gain. Oh, and you don't have to worry about leukemia, stroke, secondary cancers, etc. honestly, when I talk to her I put my phone on mute, that's how little I get to say.

Supposed to be in Illinois over Labor Day and see her, I'm sure it will be a crying jag about my hair, etc. totally a pain! But it won't be about me, it will be pity for herself.

Ridley

39andhip -- I can sort of relate on the driving thing -- Mom doesn't drive downtown where I live or on the highways! (She is an excellent back seat driver -- insert sarcasm).

If your Mom seems resentful, maybe she's feeling hurt? This is in no way to imply you did anything wrong -- you are getting on with getting things organized. Maybe you could say that you've had lots of offers to help for this upcoming surgery and there are a few things you'd like to ask her about that you think she would be the best person for (maybe that's because she would drive you crazy if you asked her to do the other things, but you don't have to tell her that!) Are there things like doing your laundry, cooking some meals, etc, that she could do to feel involved, get some things done and not add to your stress?

I guess I'm a big fan of trying to work things out now if they live close (and because I'm anti-confrontational by nature:))

Good luck with your surgery -- I'm about 18 months post- diep -- very happy with my decision and outcome. I hope you will be too.

labelle

My father is super uncaring. He is currently living far away with his lady friend (who is dealing with colon cancer) and in his early 70s, so I did not expect any real physical help from him, but a phone call now and then would be nice. But nothing, it's like he just doesn't care. My mother passed due to breast cancer several years ago, so he must have some idea of how stressful and worrisome this diagnosis is for me. It's like this for my brothers too. After my mother died, he took up with his lady friend (who is nice BTW and I like her very much) and seems to have adopted her family as his own and now has no time for any of us. It is a rather painful situation made worse by his total lack of concern at a time when I could use some emotional support from him. I was certainly there for him and my mother in every way while she was struggling with this diagnosis.

Thankfully I have a great husband and grown/mostly grown children and stepchildren who are helpful and supportive, but somehow I just expected something from my father, but nope!

Mommato3

I thought I was the only one to have unsupportive parents. My dad and stepmom live in S Carolina so it's hard for them to be here. They did drive up for my surgery. All My mom wanted to do when I was first diagnosed was rush out and tell everyone that her daughter had BC so they could pity her. I mean she called and texted me so many times asking if she could tell everyone. I finally relented after a couple days because I couldn't take it any more. When I called to talk to her right after being diagnosed she told me it was my fault because I took birth control. Really?? We had another conversation where she tried reprimanding me about something that I didn't do. I decided I couldn't handle the stress that came with her. Only once did I ask her to come help me with my three kids. Her response was that she would check her schedule and get back to me. It never happened. Chemo and surgery are hard enough to get through without the stress of a parent. Ask her if she can help. If not or its too complicated, move on to someone else. Right now it's about you, not her

39andhip

Ridley - I definitely feel that some of it is coming from hurt, but I don't know how to make her unhurt (is that even a word, lol?). I guess the catch-22 is that I think a lot of the hurt is from feeling like I haven't 'included' her as much as my friends, but one reason I haven't is because it drains me of energy. Also, my friends have been awesome about just doing things without me asking them - like bringing food.

I'm non-confrontational, too, though I tend to let things build up and then get passive-aggressive. My whole family works that way - we tend not to do big blow ups, which might actually be healthier.

On a side, I'm glad you are happy with the DIEP. I am really freaking out about it - not so much the surgery but the recovery. But I hope it will be a good decision for me in the long run.

Ridley

39andhip - my recovery wasn't bad at all. I never had to use any of the pain meds I was sent home with - took a couple of Tylenol and was on a baby aspirin for while re: risk for clotting. I was uncomfortable, but not in pain. I wish the same for you. Had a couple of bumps along the road with spitting stitches that had to be removed, but not enough of an issue to prevent me from sitting under a beach hut in the Dominican Republic about 8 weeks after surgery.

There is a DIEP2015 thread that you might want to pop on to.

All the best with your surgery and your parents:)

voraciousreader

My widowed mother moved out of state a few months after I married. My mother-in-law became catastrophically ill a few months before I married. Never had any help WHATSOEVER from my husband and my families. I had emergency life saving surgery TWICE before my cancer diagnosis. Looking back over the last 40 years of my life, I can't believe now how much I accomplished! Despite all the hardships in my life, I am still standing and for that reason, I am profoundly grateful for the life I have lived and welcome whatever lays ahead. If there is anything I've learned it is whatever hasn't broken me only makes me stronger and stronger for the journey ahead...AND....for whatever it is that I cannot change, I could care less! I only invest energy into the things that bring me pleasure. I've dumped a few people from my life through the years and I haven't lost sleep about it. And the people that I am fond of get all of my energy and each of them, in their own way, energizes me each and every day to do battle with whatever it is that life throws at me! It is very simple. Don't go looking for help. I've learned the only person that can help me is MYSELF!

I wish you well on your journey!

Nibblersmom

all sounds familiar. My mom made it about her too, then freaked when I was in surgery, ran off while I was under, security looked for and brought her back, got mad at my inlaws, oh ya and even tried to strangle my husband, at the same time I can't be to mad because she struggles with disorders and didn't take meds, in fact I'm not even so sure she remebers it and it was just last mont

27heart

Hi 39, sorry that you're going through this tough period without your parents' help. Perhaps I could share my woes too, it might help you get a better perspective on things. I live with my parents (I'm single), and they have been trying to be around for me. My mom suffers from anxiety issues, and though she hides it, I know that she's not coping well with my diagnosis. It doesn't help that I've just gone out of a bad relationship and haven't been emotionally stable since. She's on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and she's lost so much weight.

It adds a lot of pressure, and guilt on me. It has, become about her. I could use more positivity at home, but I'm left with a crying mom who isn't taking care of herself.

Meow13

I remember my mom looking thru my medications and wondering what my doctor could prescribe for her. Which one of us has the cancer diagnosis? She did take care of me after my surgeries though.

illimae

I was diagnosed 6 months ago, stage 4 with met to hip bone at age 41. When I told my mom, she said oh, you'll be fine, you caught it early. Uh, not really, stage 4. Then preceded to tell be that she went through it all fine (stage 0 at age 63), never missed a days work and plans to live to 100. My dad said I'll be fine, no worries, then went on to vent about how his hip replacement impacted his golf game. My aunt posted to facebook calling for prayers for her niece with stage 4 hip cancer (I'm not a believer) and tagged me in it forcing me to come out with it as there were some I hadn't told yet. Some people.... smh.

dtad

Hi everyone...I'm so sorry for those of you that do not have supportive parents. My mom died before my diagnosis. However she would have been anything but supportive. She would have also made this about herself and caused me nothing but stress! I think we just have to accept the fact that not all of us have good parents and find our support system elsewhere. Good luck to all.

mustlovepoodles

Sorry you're not getting more help from the family. Sometimes that's the way it is. We live 450+ miles from the nearest family. At one time we moved back "home" because our families were begging us.  We had a 2yo and they "weren't getting enough time with him." Huh! We moved back home and they ignored us unless they wanted something from us.  Totally ignored the 2yo. Ignored us when my DH and I got the flu on Christmas Eve. Ignored us when we had some temporary childcare issues.  Wouldn't take the 2yo for even 2 hrs so we could go eat or watch a movie. Complained that we never did enough for them. Fifteen months later, DHs company offered him a promotion and a move to Miami and we jumped at it!  There was absolutely no difference in our lives whether we lived 1 mile away or 800 miles away.

When I started my BC journey, I immediately turned to my mother and sisters.  My sisters pretty much ignored the subject, but what hurt me the most was my mother's lack of concern for me. She saw her own sister go through breast cancer back in the 70s and my sister/her  daughter go through it about 5 years ago, plus mother is an RN so she's not entirely unfamiliar with this stuff.  She was amazingly unsupportive!  One time I went to visit her and took her to her hair dresser. She snatched my wig off so the hair dresser  could see my bald head!  Geez, Mom.

I tried talking to Mother about getting reconstruction. At the beginning, I thought I wanted to go flat but I changed my mind later.  You would have thought I wanted to contract smallpox, to hear her carry on.  She told me stories about a friend who had recon and six months later SHE DIED! (and that's just how she said it every time she repeated this story). She told me that her sister's oncologist forbade her from having recon for 5 years (typical advice in the 70s.)  She went on about how her sister had her implants exchanged when she was 70 and what a stupid idea that was (I'm 60 and she doesn't see why I'd want breasts anyway.)  I decided to not discuss it further with her, since she clearly doesn't have my back.  At this point she is dying, so I've put recon on hold until she passes. Not because she'll disagree with my decision but because I don't need to be incapacitated during this time.

I liken it to being a pioneer woman. Those ladies had to deal with all kinds of emergencies and tragedies, largely without their extended family. Many of them never saw their parents again.  They just had to make things work with whatever they had at hand. Usually, their help came from other pioneer women in the wagon train or the new settlement. They made a "new family."  That's what I had to do, make a new family.  Turn to friends who wanted to help.  And help, they did.  If you have friends asking what you need, start a list.  Don't be ashamed to say "I could use some meals" or "Can you take my kids to soccer?" People WANT to help you. Maybe not your family, but you might be surprised by the people who really do want to help you.

.Hold your chin up. You can get through this. 

illimae

Just got an email from my mom saying "I'm worried about you this weekend. Cancer is a minor thing compared to Mother Nature."

Ugh, where do I begin and do I even bother.

1. That's a really stupid thing to say. Cancer is not minor and stage IV cancer is life threatening.

2. Stop watching the weather channel, Hurricane Harvey will be a rain maker for Houston, it will not wipe out the gulf coast.