ADH is not cancer... why can't I just be happy about that?

JaniceB2003

I was diagnosed with ADH in October last year after a core biopsy and had a lumpectomy in December with tremendous support from everyone around me. When pathology came back with clear margins, we all experienced much relief and celebrated the holidays and the start of 2015 with much positivity. Except... well, not all of us... I didn't.

It's not that I wasn't relieved... it's more that I just don't know how to put it behind me. Anytime I try to talk about my lingering worries, I end up hearing the same thing... be happy you don't have cancer and stop worrying. And my response is always the same... I know, you're right. But the worry never goes away.

I've always had anxiety and have been prone to depression so I have been on low dose Prozac with regular counseling for 6 or so years. After the lumpectomy, my oncologist recommended going on the tamoxifen regimen because of other high risk factors, but told me I'd have to get off Prozac. I've since switched to Effexor... it's been fine (except for the teenager like acne!) for 3 months.

Tomorrow I go back to the oncologist to start the tamoxifen... finally a chance to be proactive against my worries... but... new pre-mature worries have been surfacing about the potential side effects; and then, what if I have to stop the regimen; and, what if it doesn't keep me from developing cancer anyway; or, what if I get endometrial cancer instead, etc.

And still all I hear when voicing these thoughts is... be happy you don't have cancer and stop worrying. And even worse lately... when I wear a pink ribbon or mention breast cancer support, even those closest to me ask who do I know that has breast cancer?

I know I don't have cancer, and never had cancer, but why does that deny me from the same emotional roller coaster experiences that those with 'true' breast cancer have?

Or should I just be happy I don't have cancer and not worry?

Morwenna

I think it can take a while to get over the anxiety. Some 15 years ago I found a lump, and was scared it was cancer. My GP promptly sent me to a breast clinic, where it was diagnosed as a cyst. It was aspirated, but the aspirate was just flushed down the sink, which surprised me, as I thought they would send it for analysis!

Anyway, whether it was the facing one's own mortality thing, or what, I don't know, but I went into quite a depression, which I never shared with anyone, but which all but tore apart my marriage .... Lasted more than a year/ 18 months (?).

I did move on eventually, to the extent that when I found a lump in 2012, I assumed another cyst, and was blown away to discover it was cancer.

Then I had a similar experience last year, thinking I had a recurrence. Biopsy came back as scar tissue. My doctor phoned me the results, and when I didn't immediately seem elated, she said, "That's GOOD NEWS, right?"

"Yes" I replied, doubtfully, but I couldn't immediately accept that "good news", and continued to be fearful for almost a year!

I had prophylactic right mastectomy and bilateral reconstruction in January, and a few weeks ago, I put all my mastectomy/breast cancer paraphernalia (bras, prosthetic, wig) into a bag and donated it to a breast cancer support centre. I handed it over with the comment "I don't need these any more. I am finished with breast cancer!"

That felt so good, that I said it again! "I AM FINISHED WITH IT!!" And I realised that I had really shifted a gear in my mind, and moved on.

I know (statistically) that it is still possible that I will have a recurrence, but I am truly NOT expecting it to happen, nor does it scare me that it might. I rarely find myself checking for lumps now, which I used to do pretty much daily in the shower.

Just give yourself time. It IS possible to move on, even of you do not identify an absolute turning point! xx