Feeling abandoned by parents

LostLittle1

Here's my vent, its probably stupid and I'm a grown woman (mid 40s) and shouldn't feel this way. But I'm 6 weeks past unilateral mastectomy and have only seen my parents once. They came to the hospital for my surgery, arrived late and explained they were late because they were enjoying breakfast (alas, I was not allowed to eat). Then a friend's mom brought cookies for me (to enjoy after surgery) and my father ate them in front of me. This made my husband very angry but he didn't say anything to my father to not cause problems. They left immediately after I came out of recovery while I was still very groggy. Haven't seen them since. I get an occasional call from my mother but usually it is me doing the calling. Both my parents are retired and in good health. I live an hour and a half away. I have college friends who took a day off work and drove over four hours to spend a day with me to help cheer me up during my recovery.

When I talk to my parents, they generally talk about things other than what I'm going through. In fact, when my husband and I took a day off work and drove to tell them my diagnosis in person, they quickly changed the subject about how my father's kidney tests turned out fine. I almost feel guilty that I've disappointed them in some way by being sick. When I was going through fertility treatments, my father reminded me I was "no spring chicken" and makes hurtful comments about my weight (I am fluffy but not unhealthy..except for the cancer that is). My mother says nothing about these snide comments. My brother's wife just had a baby and my father made some comment about her weight to me. I had really had enough and said "well, she gave you your only grandchild and not everyone can be as skinny as you!" And BTW he is NOT skinny. I've had 40 years of his shattering my self-confidence but I'm not going to stand for him doing it to my SIL.

My chemo starts this week. My mom said to call her if I need her. I don't feel I should have to call her. I feel as my mother, she should be here for me. My husband and I have spent the last few days cleaning out our house to make it as sterile as possible. I've also been working. It would have been nice to have her bring a meal or do a load of laundry. I've told her many times she is welcome to come see us, stay with us at anytime. She asked today if I need her to go to the chemo with me. I told her not the first one as they only allow one person to go back with me and my husband is taking off work to go with me. At this point, I feel he is the only one I can count on. I've never had my own child, but I think I would stand by their side during cancer without having to be asked..

ahdjdbcjdjdbkf

Hi Little Ts, How old are your parents?

LostLittle1

Dad is 70, mom is 67.

blondiex46

I am so sorry, unfortunately u will find out through this journey, people will walk away literally and figuratively. U r parents r having a hard time with it. If u want her to go tell her, if not then say no. 

Nancy2581

hi littletatas - I kind of feel the same way about my mother . She is 90 though and I keep telling myself that, but she just wasn't there for me. I think she called me once - that was it. I know she's older and it's harder to get around, but she is very coherent on the phone yet only one phone call. I was the one calling her. It just really irks me so I understand what you're going through. I'm sorry you're going through BC and disappointment with your parents.

Hugs

Nancy

Suladog

LittleTas,

Sorry to say this happens, it happened to me the first time I was dx'ed back in 1990. My parents, never came to the hospital, I was in LA they were in SF, that's basically an hour plane ride away. I had my MX in July, I did not see them until November, when they drove down to LA for Thanksgiving at our house, I went to get them at their hotel the next morning ( they refused to stay at our house) and they were gone, they had checked out without telling me and were on the way back to SF!!! They rarely called me and if I called them got off the phone quickly. My younger sister told me that when I called my parents they thought of it as Cancer calling. This was 25 yrs ago I was in my 30s they were in their mid 60s.

Ironically, I cared for my mom during her ovarian cancer treatment until she died a year ago, then my father who died 4 mos later. I never could figure out what their problem was. I was the cancer boogie monster maybe??

It's good you have friends to support you. Sometimes (often) they're better than family

Rosevalley

I can relate. My family doesn't come through or communicate much about cancer. We have lost many to cancer (Breast CA, prostate CA, Non Hodgkins Lymphoma, ovarian CA etc..) and I think it's fear and sadness and denial. My Grandmother died a long 3 year death from IBC years ago and my Mom took care of her. Maybe PTSD? Of course this doesn't help one feel any better does it? I am your daughter for crying out loud! We have this romantic ideal of family "being there," often they aren't. It was my Aunt who came through for me in 08 on my second mastectomy- not my own Mother! Sadly my Aunt has breast cancer now, chemo is done and now she does AI's. May she never go to stage 4. We need a cure for this dang thing. Don't have expectations and you won't be disapointed.. all easier said then done. Best support was my DH, that has been true for the last 2 decades.

Suladog

rose valley,

You are so right about the illusion of family. My mom lost her mom to bc when her mom was in her 50's and my mom was in her 20's that's probably what freaked my mom out. But as you say, you are your mothers child . Glad you have your husband, my husband has been there all the way for me, back in 90 and now again.

It's fortunate that there is this wonderful site where we can communicate with others who "get it

Anonymous

I have no experience with this because my parent's aren't living.

I think parent's never want to outlive their children. Maybe it's something they didn't want to face. I certainly don't agree with them, but perhaps it makes them have to face their own mortality.

I've found that with other family members when I lost both of my parents. Some of them just couldn't handle it, making it fall upon others that could.

Or....maybe I just don't know what the hell I'm talking about. lol

Freygea

May sound stupid but I think parents blame themselves and close up ..my Son was killed suddenly (hit by a train) in 07. I rarely spoke to others about his death because I felt like they blamed me when I looked into their eyes.

May not make much sense but Parents should never see their child suffer in any way and can be real good at denying what is right in front of their face just so they do not have to deal with any misguided guilt.

Your dad acting like an ass may be his way of causing a distraction and "noise". The more "noise" there is around ,the less chance of having to deal with the real "silence" that surrounds all of you.

If it where me I would say "Dad were you born an ass or have you had to work at it all your life to be this good?" the next time he was around me...

Smack me...

footprintsangel

My Dad died of cancer in 1997

and I found my mom in 2004 in a chair gone, heart attack in the night.

one year before I got cancer and since then I never

see my 2 brother, except for money and I don't give them

cause I need to pay for help.

Rosevalley

Foots- ((((Hugs)))) to you. This cancer journey just is so hard. So few folks really get it because it's such a downer to talk about, that even we don't bring it up too much. Just painful, the whole thing physically and emotionally. Thank goodness there are sites like this where you can bare your soul and others cheer you up by expressing many of the same feelings and experiences! It's not a fun ride. Prayers for you. How's your dog Faith?

Freygea- wow how very sad to lose a son. I have heard so many incredibly harsh comments from people who clearly don't engage their brain before their mouth blabs. Losing a child must be so hard. I hope I never have to experience it. Hugs your way too.

treelilac

It's possible they have not kept up with their reading about cancer. Their knowledge about the topic still stays at how things were 20 years ago. That's partly why they're so scared.

hugz4u

Sometimes age of parents can be a factor. My 81 year old dad at the time never talked to me about it except how are u doing but when I wanted supplements and other treatment to complement chemo he always forwarded a check and he wasn't the richest man I know.He asked my sisters behind my back as to what I needed because that age group was not great with "feeling and communication

macb04

My husband not really there for me about 2/3s of the time. My dad was invisible when all the misery was going on, or he said awful, hurtful things, like" if you're breasts are a problem, well cut them off",or "Maybe your girls will get cancer, I don't know, we'lll have to wait and see", then he laughed. Now he has had a sea change, and for the past few months he acts like he cares. I don't trust my father as far as I can throw him, nothing new that he is an assh*le. My friends think that my fathers change of heart is because he is dying or something. I don't know, just wish I had real support from my husband and my father. I know I am not alone in having friends/ family be totally lame

Rosevalley

hugs4u- I do think that is true. The older the parent sometimes it's hard for them to be direct or they are afraid to say anything- except silence is pretty hard to read. Sometimes saying nothing makes a person feel unloved or uncared for.

macb04- have any of your father's close friends gotten cancer or lost a wife/child to cancer? Sometimes seeing something happen to a close friend will shock a person into a "reality check." Then things aren't so funny anymore and it's not to be ignored.

momallthetime

This is a good time to evaluate who will stand by you. But i must say, if they were warm towards you as you were growing up and are distancing themselves now, seems to be that they are building the China wall, not having to deal with their little girl going thru such a hardship. And if they were always like this, then the best you could do is be respectful, and keep friends around you that understand where you are at now, think about time as gold, and don't waste your energy and time when you really need it the most.

footprintsangel

Faith is my keep me going 4 legged kid, that helps me up and

opens doors and does a lot, I love her and feel like she is my kid.

Praying For You and Your wonderful love You share with us, Thank You!

 

Nomatterwhat

LIttletatas,  I can feel your pain, sister!!!!!  I am 8 months post BMX and have seen my mother once.  She had a heart attack and I had to go home to see her, because my brother was having surgery the same day and was no help.  She had her BMX in 2012 and I had mine in 2014.  When I first learned I had BC, I called her to get her information to give to my doctor and she started ranting about how she wasn't surprised I had BC since I smoked (quit 8 years ago) and asked me how long I had to live and how was I suppose to make my husband happy now that I would have no breasts.  Geez..... I have been married for almost 33 years, if my breasts are the only things that have kept him happy all these years, then we got bigger problems.  You would think at my age (54) it wouldn't bother me anymore.  God knows I am used to her remarks, but somedays......  

mrenee68

I'm so sorry this is happening on top of the stinking cancer. My parents did the same to me. My mother took off the week after I had my unilateral mastectomy, but spent only 1 afternoon with me. Instead she went to lunch with her friend, took naps, cleaned her house, etc. I wish I had words of wisdom. Take care and just keep moving forward, you have a lot to deal with right now and parents being selfish is not something you should be focusing on. Take care!

WinningSoFar

My mom was not very supportive when I was diagnosed in 1999 but she was dealing with major depression issues by that time. She really didn't have the cognitive ability to deal with it, didn't drive any more and was confined to an assisted living center. Actually, I felt sorrier for her than for me. As time as gone on (she's passed on now), I've realized some other things: my mom was a good mother in terms of worrying about us all the time, but not really a touchy feelly person. Her generation believed that you didn't talk about cancer and you NEVER asked about it. If you were forced to, you could call it the "c" word. The idea was that if the visitor brought it up, then it would remind the person they had the "c" word. Laughable theory, isn't it. I think the acceptable behavior was to always be cheerful and never bring up the "c" word.

I've forgiven my mom now as I realize that she was doing the best she could at the time. It's funny to even talk about forgiving her because I am so far past that. Nonetheless, I think we all have this idea that our family, and especially our parents, will rush to our side and never let go. It's disappointing to have to let that idea go.

GG27

I have seen this happen with friends' parents & my own parents. As they get older they seem to become very self centred. My dad only occasionally asks how I am, but doesn't really want to hear anything other than "fine or ok" They never came to see me when I first got BC, they rarely ever phoned. I'm sure a psychologist could come up with some theories, but I've let it go. My DH is my rock & I have a couple of very good friends who are great. GG

LittleMelons

littletatas - I do differ in my opinion of your situation from some of the posters above. While it is difficult for parents to deal with a serious illness in their child, they should be able to rise to occasion and offer a lot of support. If they were very old, I could understand more, but your mother is the same age as me and I would certainly be spending time with my child, providing support, making food, helping at home for them if they had a life-threatening illness and major surgery. That is not too much to expect from parents who are still relatively young. I can understand why you are disappointed and angry.

I think it would give you peace of mind to tell them that this diagnosis has been very traumatic for you and your husband and you wanted...and needed...their support and were disappointed in their reaction. Then I would continue being civil and even friendly, but distance myself a bit from them, calling them less, waiting for them to call you. I frankly don't get parents who don't support their kids 100% when it should be obvious their love and support is needed, unless they are extremely old or sick themselves, of course..

Suladog

littlemelon,

Yes, it is beyond me what makes some parents tick my parents were in their early 60's , the Christmas I was in the middle of chemo my mother instructed me not to tell anyone in the family about my cancer. Now, I already had to hide it because of my work at least I thought I could get support from my family... But noooooo.

Anytime anyone asked me how I was, or what was new I had to say fine! Arrrgh

ahdjdbcjdjdbkf

One of the toughest threads I have read on this site. We humans are so ill-equipped for so many things.