My daughter is scared of my mother

momzilla1

My 6 year old daughter did not realize that my mother had recently had a mastectomy. Tonight they were having a sleepover, and thinking nothing of it, my mother changed into pj's in front of my daughter. My daughter's reaction to the missing breast and scar tissue was that of incredible fear. She started crying and wouldn't go near her grandma. My mom called my husband who picked our daughter up amid both my mom and daughter crying on opposite ends of the house because my daughter wouldn't go near her grandma.

I'm a nurse, and have talked to all 5 of my kids about my mom's cancer, but because my girl is young, I don't think she understood exactly everything that had happened, and she certainly didn't expect my mom to look different. We had a really good talk, and I think she understands that she was scared because she didn't understand about grandma's cancer and her mastectomy. We talked about how everyone is different, etc. I encouraged her to ask grandma any questions she wants-or myself, or her dad.

My mom was crying because she feels like she ruined her relationship with her grandbaby. This is the first time my mom has encountered any negtative feedback post-mastectomy, and it is from someone so important to her.

Any help, tips, ideas to help my mom and daughter get through this would be welcome. Anyone know of a kids' video that addresses body-image issues post-surgery? In retrospect I suppose if I had prepared my daughter more thoroughly the trauma to both of them could have been lessened in some way, but then again, maybe not.

Any help?

Thanks

Moderators

Hi momzilla1 and welcome to Breastcancer.org!

We don't have much advice in this respect for you, but wanted to comment to bump the thread into Active Topics so others can see it and share their thoughts/experiences/advice. Our Community is a wealth of practical and helpful knowledge, full of amazing members always wanting to help!

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

grammakathy

last summer I was in a holding pattern with my TEs, waiting for September when they would be exchanged for the implants. Each summer we drive from Southern Cal to Washington in our motorhome to spend time with our family. Our five year old granddaughter is a snuggler and would curl up on my lap. Soon I would feel her head bouncing against the rocks on my chest. She never said anything but I know it felt different to her. I'd suggest that your Mom start a project with her. We did the rubber band bracelets and soon she " invented" earrings that we made that hung on our ears. We also read The Doll People by Ann Martin, which is a great series for Gramma and granddaughters. After a few projects she will forget about the differences in her Grandma. I hope this helps

leggo

Kids get over things really quickly, momzilla. I remember when I was seven we had an uncle staying with us. I went to wake him up for breakfast one morning and saw his prosthetic eye sitting on the dresser and freaked. Freaked out even more when I saw the hole in his head. I didn't even know he had one. Nobody made a big deal about it and I forgot all about it a couple days later. It certainly didn't make me love my uncle any less. My point is, sometimes when people want to talk all about it with big long explanations and make it an issue, that can be worse. I know it would have been for me. I likely would have had nightmares. Kids work it out. They're really good at it.

ceanna

Check with your public library. Most would have picture books
and stories for young children about adults or other family members in their lives having cancer or serious illnesses. 

sas-schatzi

Well, late to this discussion. If they're is a pediatric hospital in your area, call and ask to speak to a counselor for your daughter's age group. Pediatric hospitals have counselors on staff that deal with all the wide array of peds issues. If a hospital isn't near, they're should be counselors close.

Body image in this age group is unique b/c they are just developing a sense of self and others. A specially trained peds counselor will know what to do to make sure she comes through this