Terrible anniversary, 6/6/2012. Miserable/still sad so much

macb04

Had a bad night last night, and this morning, 1 week away from 3 years of horrible, horrible nightmare my life has become since diagnosis . I don't feel lucky, grateful or saved. They never said I was cured or even NED. I feel mutilated and ugly, like it was all for nothing. My husband doesn't want to hear it. Tells me to just "change my way of thinking" Tells me this anniversary thing is just in my head. No one to talk to.

sailorbev

Dear macb04,

I am so sorry your life has been such a nightmare for the past 3 years and that you feel so alone. I am newly diagnosed and 3 days post-op but I can say that breast cancer has certainly changed my life. This wasn't part of the plan for my life. I hope you find the support you need and deserve here.

Gentle hugs ((((()))))

NineTwelve

Sorry, macb. So many men fall down when it comes to saying the emotionally supportive thing. They don't realize that sometimes "in your head" is the *worst* place a bad thought can be! He sounds like he would like to help if he could. Finding someone to talk to is a good idea. Please be gentle with yourself. You have been through an emotional and physical battle.

I hope you find peace and well-being. You're made of some tough stuff to still be here after three years of cancer tx. You can do this.

wintersocks

macbo4,

I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling this way. I am nearly 3 years out from my surgery (which is when I count my dx from). I have been moved over to yearly watches now. I too am not feeling healed or cured. I too feel mutilated, old and unattractive. Since my NED appt last week I have actually been feeling very bad.

I think your husband sounds a little harsh, and unforgiving. He may be coming from a place where he simply cannot comprehend what you have been through and how the future looks for you.

Of course, it is 'in your head' - you have to live it. It your reality as it is mine too. I think to say such a thing is unhelpful. But he sounds exasperated, he maybe just does not know what to do for the best.

I too urge you to try to find someone you might talk with for yourself, or as a couple . I think it may be useful to consider an anti-depressant meds too. They have certainly helped me. My days are still dark, but they help.

Lily55

I have never been told NED and i am three years out...........BC just plain STINKS, it saps joy, can erode self confidence, de feminizes, and is an enormous challenge on all levels.........when I compare how i am today to how I was three years ago i am better than I was then but emotionally I struggle every day, some days less than others, to the point where i am even bored with myself.........

macb04

Thanks to you all, I am still finding it hard today too. I was distracted by work, but it was on my mind through much of the day anyway. Having a husband who is only sometimes supportive is really hard. It is like bait and switch. At times he can be kind, then he Dr Jeckle and Mr Hydes on me, usually without warning. I often think about being on my own, I would find support from more reliable sources than him, kinder sources of support. It is those moments when I am upset or sad that I seek out comfort, even though I know he sucks at it. I really need to get it together enough to never look to him for support, then he won't be able to rub salt into all of my wounds.

Our insurance deductible went up to 4500, and my counselors fees went up from 50 to 120 an hour. I now owe the counselor 500 dollars for seeing her several times in the beginning of the year. I had to pay the IRS nearly 4600 as well. My insurance won't pay for counseling till my deductible is met. I also have to pay about 2000 out of pocket for the reconstruction surgery I had April 9th. So the long and short of it is that I am broke and can't afford counseling unless it is nearly free. I am asking around for free counseling, but have only been able to find counseling students, which I tried in the past. Not really what I need/want.

hopedreams

Hi ladies..Well I will jump in this conversation.****. June 3 was my 4 yr anniversary of my mastectomy ... and that was all I could think of all day long. I remember that day like it was yesterday.. My dx was in April 2011. my implant was put in Sept of that same year. My then live in b/f of 30 yrs was too good to be true. at hospital & when I came home.. was very helpful & he. accepted my body as it was. Well long story short I had a traumatic accident that required surgery in 2013 [almost 2 yrs ago] and he left me.. after that..just walked out the door and never came back..My life has changes soo much.. but i am and have been OK with my body..in clothes only. I look normal with my inplant. But I turned into a recluse.. my closest friends have all passed away from cancer.. and I really have NO support either. We talk on the phone occasionally.. but he has NO compassion or empathy for me... [ alcohol took over his life ] I guess I am better off with out him..but being alone is horrible most of the time. and with many medical reasons at this time..I can not move on to another relationship..also I really don't even want to..Keep me posted on how U are all doing..I have been on anti depressants for many yrs prior to breast cancer..but there in NO magic pill for what I am going thru.. I pray that time will help me..still sad & no joy in my life..

kittysister

Macb04 and all others hurting, I am so sorry! But I can relate .. I am finding myself on a big downer lately, too and just can't seem to shake it. I am not a year out yet and feel like I am alone in this, with the exception of coming here. I don't know anybody else personally who has been through this hideous disease. I do not feel cured or comfortable with myself, my body or my emotions. I can't sleep at night and when I finally do get to sleep, it's with my fists clenched. And dare I say it, I feel like I have to hold my husband up at times, instead of the other way around. I'm just not strong enough anymore. I'm thinking this awful AI that I'm on could have something to do with my emotions, but not all. I've never been able to take anti-depressants in the past, so don't think I could now, either. I wish I had the answers.

BarredOwl

Macb04: Glad the day is now passed. You do not need to feel lucky or grateful or saved. Sometimes I think about some aspect of this that was "lucky," and then I think it would have been luckier not to get it at all!! Oh well (said with sigh of resignation). As for your husband, sorry in advance for generalizing, but men sometimes don't engage very well in listening and sympathizing with concerns, because emotional stuff can make them uncomfortable. They like to move straight to possible solutions, because they want to help you and be fixers. They are also skilled compartmentalizers (mars/venus thing), so his suggestion makes perfect sense from his perspective. Sadly, it is not that easy, but more of a long process. I also think someone who has not gone through it themselves does not fully understand the impact. Maybe a support group would be helpful?

I guess my anniversary is 6/27/13, if you measure from the date of the first bad mammogram. But the whole process went on for months, so for me it is more a period than a particular date. Getting used to being flat and trying not to think I look weird is a continuous process, but the hardest thing is dealing with fear of recurrence. When I would express concerns about it, my husband wouldn't discuss it. Finally I asked why, and he said he focuses on the bigger number (greater chance of not recurring). I had some unusual stuff happen already, so for me even a relatively low risk is real, which I said. Now we are done discussing that! (Even if I still worry.)

Hope things improve for you!

BarredOwl

artsee

Oh boy, it looks like I've got some company here. That is really great to talk to others that' can relate. For the last 71/2 years I too have been worried about recurrence. That's just my make up. So 5 weeks ago I had the scare of my life. Lumpectomy scar changed, had biopsy, was benign (fat Necrosis) not healing well on radiated tissue.......yup you guessed it. Keeps draining a little and it's been over 4 weeks. Of course I'm thinking there's cancer under there.....I'm living in anxiety every day so I know what you ladies feel like. I hate it. Also for the last two weeks my husband hasn't asked if it stopped draining yet. I feel sad about that, but maybe he doesn't want to bring it up because it will make me feel worse to admit that I'm still stressed about it. Ugh.....I'm trying to stay positive but feel like crying .......

Someone that has not delt with BC doesn't have a cluePraying for good days and good things for all of us.

Artsee

macb04

Hi to all,

kittysister, sorry you feel so alone and sad/scared/divorced from your body. Me too, feels like it isn't my body anymore. Hi artsee glad for you that it was benign. Sorry that it is not healing where they did the biopsy.It isn't reoccurrence right, so try not to be worried, easier said than done. It is just that nasty poor tissue integrity problem because of the rads damage to your poor breast.

HI BARREDOWL,, you are right that my husband often says he doesn't know what to tell me. The problem is that he is done with bc and I am not.

BarredOwl

Hi Artsee: So glad the result was benign. The biopsy process has brought it all back up for you. If you haven't already done it, you might call your provider to let them know you are still experiencing some drainage. Maybe it's normal slow healing, but better to check in with them in case there is some mild infection that could be treated. You might relate to the article by Erica (Barbara) from Feb. 2015 about people not asking you things:

http://community.breastcancer.org/blog/after-activ...

macb04: You are right. After I stopped asking "what just happened?" (for about the first year), I started asking myself "why am I not getting over this?" (Because I'd like to forget it.) I am beginning to think maybe never really. Some describe it as passing through an invisible door, through which you can never go back. And that seems to be a distinction between us versus family and friends (who manage to get back through the door). And the worse your experience, the sharper the contrast. It can be a lonely and isolating feeling.

BarredOwl

edwards750

I think our husbands and BFFs are scared. Not saying there aren't some low lifes out there but the vast majority of men can't handle our DX. We have always been the strong ones who take care of everything and then when it's their turn to take the lead they run. Not literally although some have unfortunately.

My DH is quiet and laid back and an engineer which means he usually reacts to things in a non-emotional way. He cares but not a chance he is going to be the take charge person. It's frustrating sometimes to elicit a response from him. I am the polar opposite which makes it even harder to reconcile his feelings and reactions.

No one really knows how we feel. They can't possibly understand the fear factor or being branded with the C word. Some people even look at us like we have leprosy.

This forum is a godsend and a lifeline. Who would understand better than us. We are all here for the same reason in varying stages and grades but all afflicted with the same disease.

I talk to my husband about things that have happened with the ladies in my group at church and how my mammo turned out but other than that we don't to talk about it. We did early on but 4 years out now. He did go to my appts with me. Now I'd rather go solo.

Diane

macb04

Hi Diane,

Yes it is crazy the way husbands are not able to deal with bc. My husband thought that cutting off my breast was ok, no worries, no emotional or physical side effects. I often feel shattered with grief, I didn't know I could feel so alone in marriage. He is finished with bc and is sick to death of hearing about it. He tells me that sometimes, rarely he will listen and offer comfort. I think that when I finish reconstruction next spring or summer I will be a little better. At least then I will be able to look in the mirror without getting upset or freaked out by how lopsided and messed up I look. Then I will try and deal with the new norm, but not till reconstruction is finished. Rarely look now, get upset if I do.

Other women act at times like bc is contagious, moms at my daughters school know my story, interested at first, now not a word. Maybe they thought my breast grew back or something, so they didn't have to offer caring anymore.