Having a Tough Day

Nancdancer

was looking through some pictures of a year ago and hit me hard how things have changed. I feel like I can't be happy anymore, very jealous of people living a normal life while I have this big black cloud over my head. I was diagnosed in March and then further test showed cancer in both breasts. Had double lumpectomy and then had left side come back without clear margin. Had a follow up MRI yesterday and now all the waiting and worrying is back again. Help me see the positive things in life. I feel like i am doomed for more bad news.

ElaineTherese

Nancdancer,

I'm sorry that you're having a tough day. Hopefully, your MRI will have good news for you. Otherwise, what is it that "people living normal life" have that you don't? What do you feel is missing from your life? Is it the uncertainty about the future? No one knows what the future holds, not even "people living normal life." Maybe, you need to think about the little things, on a daily basis, that make you feel good about life. Some people like to garden; other people enjoy nature; some feel better after vigorous exercise. I enjoy reading, going to work, spending time with my children, etc.. I don't always keep up with the latest movies, fashions, or TV shows. But, such is life. Hope you feel better soon!

Nancdancer

thanks

edwards750

Nancdancer - it's tough not to dwell on the disease we all have and certainly didn't ask for. Nonetheless we are forever branded with the C word. Is what it is. We can let it control our lives or not. Its hard not to when it rears its ugly head again. Somehow we find the courage to deal with it yet again. You have the right to be ticked. Once is more than enough.

My suggestion would be what has been posted and that is enjoy what you have. I am 3 1/2 years out but still get nervous before a mammogram or Oncology appointment. I've accepted that will be the norm forever. It does get better with time. Count your blessings. BC doesn't define you.

Diane

shelleym1

I totally get it. I am 35 and my Facebook is full of people doing normal thirty year old things. Having kids, going on trips, etc. I was just diagnosed in December. Yesterday I went to buy Replens for the first time. They were stocked in the menopause section underneath the pregnancy tests. Here I am, 35, purchasing vaginal lubricant in the menopause section. This is definitely something I would have never pictured happening a year ago. I've had a terrible time grieving my loss of innocence - that feeling I used to have where I thought I was guaranteed to live to be 90. That is the part of my life I would love to have back. That complete lack of understanding that life isn't guaranteed is what I miss. One of the things that bothers me the most is the idea that I may not get to grow old with my husband.

I have gained some things from this experience, though - I look at my life in a different way. I appreciate those closest to me. I am more patient and tolerant with people. I care less about the stuff I used to think was so important like material things. I was very wrapped up in myself.

They say that with time and the more distance put between us and this disease the better it gets. I hope so.

kittysister

I hope so too, Shelley. I can honestly say that material things don't mean much to me anymore. Never thought I'd say that, though! My family, other people and life matters. The rest .. eh?

shelleym1

Same here! I used to love me some material items - expensive shoes, purses, etc. I've definitely dialed it down. I do still buy myself something every now and then to boost my mood. How old are you?

debiann

My heart goes out to the young ones who have to be here. Of course I'm sorry any of us are here, but in particular the young ones. No matter the type or stage or grade, there is one thing cancer gave all of us, a deep understanding of how mortal we are. Yes, an innocence has been taken away and replaced with a dark shadow that may fade in time, but never goes away. Some consider this shadow a gift because it helped them get their priorities straight. Others consider it a debilitating curse. Some flutter in the middle, and can be set off in one direction or an other by something as simple as seeing an elderly couple.

Cancer also teaches us uncertainty. A smack in the face that says, "You thought you were in control of your life, well weren't you wrong!" No matter how small and insignicant the tumor was, we all have moments when we fear it coming back and pulling the rug out from under us one more time.

So when having dark thoughts we need to remember, what's been seen cannot be unseen. These thoughts aren't going to go away unless we work at making them go away. We need to accept that we can't change the truth we learned, we are mortal and may die before we feel its our time. The next step is the challening part, but its really the only part we have control over, deciding how we will react to this revolation. We must learn to dictate how much time will allow our brain to wonder to the dark side and make our hearts happy for what time we have, not waste time mourning the loss of a future that is not yet here. Sometimes we can't do this alone, and there's no shame in admitting to needing help, because deciding you need help is saying, "cancer, you may have won my breast, but I'm not giving you my heart and soul".

That's my philosophy of the day. I've spent the last week recovering from recon surgery and spending too much time in my head, lol.

Blessings to all, especially our young sisters.

kittysister

Shelley- I am 66! But I still love pretty things. They are just not as important. Once upon a time, things for me, for the house and adding a little here and there to my savings account were probably near the top of my list. I still buy myself something here and there, but if I don't, that's okay .. it just doesn't seem AS important. The things that I love the most, money can't buy. Good health matters more now, of course, along with my family and other people.

I gather you are in your 30's and that is so young to have to deal with this. It just doesn't seem fair. BUT I think you will find out you're a lot stronger than you ever thought you were. I know I did.

Great reply, debiann. I like your way of thinking. And it got me to thinking, too.