Just failed miserably trying to have sex with my hubby.

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Cici566
Cici566 Member Posts: 22
edited September 2015 in Sex & Relationship Matters

Ugh, my poor husband has been so supportive and loving and wonderful through this journey. Even during a normal life it is hard to find a good time to have sex since we have two children in the house. i made the first move today and it was so painful that I had to stop. I am 50, I had a double masectomy, (have to wait a few more months for reconstruction). I finished treatment awhile ago. I was pushed into menopause because of chemo. It's bad enough that I don't have any desire to have sex, low body image right now, but it was really painful. I had to stop. I will see an ob/gyn on June 15th. Does anyone have any advice or similar issues? I would love to know how you deal with it?

Thankyou,

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  • DaisyQ
    DaisyQ Member Posts: 123
    edited May 2015

    Cici,

    I "made the first move" last week too. The pain coupled with the drastic change in my appearance (bilateral mastectomy w/ lopsided tissue expanders<-- not sexy!) made it an uncomfortable, sad experience. We use Slippery Stuff Personal Lubricant. You can get it on Amazon. While it helps, I think my issue is my low self esteem about how I look and the emotional toll cancer treatment has had. I don't think my husband was too excited about having sex again. I have to trust that things will get better with time.

    I'd love to hear from others.

    Amy

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  • april485
    april485 Member Posts: 3,257
    edited May 2015

    The pain after treatment is very real and unfortunately, the only answer is a lubricant. I feel for you. I have no desire at all and did not even have mastectomy. I just don't have any libido whatsoever since beginning my hormone blocker/AI exemestane. Zero interest. Poor guy...will fake it but it is so painful! BC is a thief and it keeps stealing parts of us. Hugs and hoping this is temporary for you and you find a comfortable position or a lubricant that works.

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  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited May 2015

    Coconut oil for both and inside for you also. My gyno recommended it and it has really made a difference. Libido is still somewhat low but I make an effort. it's hard. I hate Cancer.


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  • Tinkerbells
    Tinkerbells Member Posts: 211
    edited May 2015

    you can get hyaluronic acid vaginal ointment at compounding pharmacies or on the Internet. Use twice a week. With lots of lubricant it helps a lot! Don't lose hope- it takes a while

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  • amygil81
    amygil81 Member Posts: 165
    edited June 2015

    I have something that worked for me. How explicit are we allowed to be here?

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  • Obxflygirl1
    Obxflygirl1 Member Posts: 377
    edited June 2015

    Amygil1 ......I think we are able to handle anything at this point. Bring it on.

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  • Kniterly
    Kniterly Member Posts: 10
    edited June 2015

    Yes, I want to know too! Help!

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  • sydney2013
    sydney2013 Member Posts: 29
    edited June 2015

    A counselor who also had BC recommended a product called YES, you can order a trial kit on Amazon. It is a lubricant that comes in both oil or water based. Good Luck! You and your husband have been through so much, just give it time.

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  • Lamp
    Lamp Member Posts: 43
    edited June 2015

    Hello I'm still waiting!

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  • amylsp
    amylsp Member Posts: 188
    edited June 2015
    I'm a different Amy, but I'll pipe in. My inability to have sex with my husband was almost immediate as soon as chemopause hit. I tore and bled with every attempt, so we had to stop penetrative sex completely. In my case, it wasn't just a lack of lubrication (which can be compensated for), but the vagina itself had become very tight and constricted.

    For the past several months I've been working with three 'dildos' that start smaller than my husband's girth and work up to his aprox. size. I find the concurrent use of a vibrator really helps as well to bring blood and lubrication to the area, and help the vaginal muscles relax. I'm happy to say, I'm finally at the point where I think I can attempt having sex again. My one word of advise with the dildos would be to take it very slow and use lots of lubrication. Trying to force it too fast is likely to cause further irritation or injury. PM me if you want any other details.

    I think the main thing is to keep the area 'active' in what ever way you can. It sucks that this disease makes you work so hard for something that we used to take for granted. :(

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  • ksusan
    ksusan Member Posts: 4,505
    edited June 2015

    Don't use an oil-based lube with a condom.

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  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 34,614
    edited June 2015

    hi Cici, three years ago I was where you're at now.  Double mx no recon, chemo pause, zero libido.  My DH was also very supportive and didn't push but I know him well enough to tell he was getting antsy.  That didn't sway me, what did was advice from my family doc.  I went for my annual exam and was so tight he couldn't get a decent PAP sample.  He asked how long it had been since I'd had sex (two years!) and said I had the beginnings of vaginal atrophy so better "use it or lose it".  I decided at 52 I was too young to lose it.  That night I told my DH we were starting weekly date night - drinks, dinner & sex - and he was overjoyed.  The drinks help me relax, a couple glasses of wine or a margarita with dinner.  I do need lube and use good old KY.  It takes a lot longer for me to have an orgasm but I always have one.  If you do have some alone time, try masturbating so you know you can come.  I don't always want to have sex but it's date night and I keep my part of the bargain.  One night a week keeps him content and our relationship is stronger than ever.  I wish you good luck, good health, and good sex!  ((hugs))

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  • Lamp
    Lamp Member Posts: 43
    edited June 2015

    Hi ladies, thanks for sharing all your healthy informative comments!

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  • badger
    badger Member Posts: 34,614
    edited June 2015

    hi Cici how was your appt with ob/gyn last week?  Any good advice to pass along?

    A couple more thoughts:

    there's a recipe on BCO for scream cream that some find helpful (search the term) and

    there's more to sex than penetration.

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  • Chloesmom
    Chloesmom Member Posts: 1,053
    edited June 2015

    I went to a PT specializing in pelvic floor pain. She checked me and determined that I was in a holding pattern of tightness related to the soft tissue tightness up into my ribs from the BMX. It's was a chain reaction of spasm. Worked in exercise like a reverse Kegels.

    exhale and do a Kegels pulling belly button in and pulling up so sit bones come together ( like squeezing a bellowa)

    inhale and let belly expand and imagine pelvic floor lowering, opening and widening like a balloon filling so sit bones come apart (Like opening a bellows)This improved circulation which helped healing and relaxation.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited July 2015

    I'm so glad i reconnected with this web site. My husband told me I needed to find a solution (he was frustrated), because we havent had sex in a month and a half, and when we do, i suffer thru it. he says the lube i used spoils the feeling for him. i am hormone positive and on letrizole. thanks for letting me whine, i thought i was alone in this.

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  • flaviarose
    flaviarose Member Posts: 442
    edited July 2015

    This is a Vitamin E suppository that I learned about somewhere on one of these boards - it works well; http://www.amazon.com/Carlson-Key-E-Suppositories-...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436233789&sr=8-1&keywords=carlson+vitamin+E+suppository


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  • amylsp
    amylsp Member Posts: 188
    edited July 2015

    Hi SusieQue. Lube is an absolute must for many women on hormone blockers! You risk damaging your vaginal tissues otherwise. It might take a while for your husband to adjust to the sensation of having the lube, but your comfort and vaginal health should be the most important thing right now.

    Using a vaginal moisturizer - replens/ luvena a few times a week before you go to bed helps as well. In my case, I needed to use vaginal dilators/dildos in addition to all of the above. It took several months, but I'm happy to say that I'm now back to having 'comfortable' sex with my husband. I wish you lots of luck and hopefully you can find a solution that works for you and your husband. But going slowly and having patience is very important! :)

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  • Imagineme13
    Imagineme13 Member Posts: 22
    edited August 2015

    diagnosed in April and hadn't sex with my very supportive husband but once and he thought he was hurting me so he wanted to stop. We hadn't had intercourse since and I've been going thru this for nearly 5 months. 5 months include the surgery, recovery, chemo and radiation. Now I'm done with chemo and just started taking the hormone therapy this week. I noticed how dry I was and tried to lunrictae myself to prepare for sex that I'm still not in the mood for. My husband says that his sex drive is quite low as well so for now it's working out because im too nervous on having sex until I practice with the dildo method. I tried once and I found that I was so tight and it felt painful and horrible. I plan on trying Replens for instant lubrication relief. Cancer sucks and robs women of so much

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  • Zillsnot4me
    Zillsnot4me Member Posts: 2,687
    edited August 2015

    Yes it does suck but there is hope. You can try the dilators at home or get pelvic floor PT. Your ob should recommend one.

    There's also different products. Scream cream. Mona Lisa touch. Search for these threads on this website.

    I'm really sorry you're in this situation. No one every warns you but what choice do we have?

    Good luck.

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  • Lamp
    Lamp Member Posts: 43
    edited August 2015

    Hello!I'm not familiar with Mona Lisa Touch! I did google it, I'm in Canada, never heard of it! Any more info would be appreciated! Any testimonies etc.

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  • scrunchthecat
    scrunchthecat Member Posts: 269
    edited August 2015

    Ladies - Remember that sexual activity is not just about the penis penetrating the vagina! Hands and tongues are also viable options, especially if you are working your way back to your sex life. I have some of the chemopause symptoms, not all yet, but I have found that a non-penetrating vibrator like the HItachi Magic Wand (http://www.amazon.com/Hitachi-Massager-Shibari-Var... - read the reviews!) works wonders. It will get you going, even if you feel tight and dry. It will loosen and moisten things up a bit.

    NOTE: I had to edit this because apparently there are now some knockoffs of the Hitachi Magic Wand that are not as satisfactory. I originally linked to one of these. My Hitachi Magic Wand is now about 4 years old and going strong.

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited August 2015

    OK, here goes. I'm gathering my courage too share this...between menopause and letrozole, penetration has become painful. Last week I fetched my little tube of EMLA cream I used for port access during chemo and used a small dab of it inside my va-jay-jay before sex.

    IT WORKED GREAT. Felt like the old days!

    Since then I googled around and discovered a couple of research articles that recommended 5% aqueous lidocaine, used in the vagina, before sex. The results were very positive. My yearly gyno visit is next month and I'll be leaving with a prescription.

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  • Zillsnot4me
    Zillsnot4me Member Posts: 2,687
    edited August 2015

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/150/topic...


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  • Zillsnot4me
    Zillsnot4me Member Posts: 2,687
    edited August 2015

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/150/topic...

    https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/80/topic/...


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  • enlm20Erica
    enlm20Erica Member Posts: 216
    edited September 2015

    hi all just thought I'd chime in, my Dr recommended a product called Pjur personal lubricant and i must say it works wonders, its not messy or greasy, it gives a smooth satin like feel (you have to try it to know what i mean lol) but it's great..it took a painful experience back to enjoyable. .I was pushed into medical menopause in March this year (2015) I'm 33yrs old and it really works for me!

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  • Dancermom1999
    Dancermom1999 Member Posts: 122
    edited September 2015

    Hi Ladies:

    I had the same problem until I discovered extra virgin organic coconut oil in my supermarket. Did some research and shared it with my Onc. Very natural and excellent as a lubricant. Causes no bacterial infections....$11.99 at the store - my husband and I are "back in business" and never better! btw...it is also excellent for taking off makeup, as a moisturizer, eliminates age spots...it is an $11.99 miracle :)

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  • ShetlandPony
    ShetlandPony Member Posts: 4,924
    edited September 2015

    I told my husband I wondered if it would work since it was "virgin" oil.

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  • sbelizabeth
    sbelizabeth Member Posts: 2,889
    edited September 2015

    Sorry...edited to remove the link to an article. I discovered you have to have an account to view it.

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  • lola0415
    lola0415 Member Posts: 15
    edited September 2015

    I also have been using coconut oil. I make them into little bullet shapes and freeze them. They work great. I have also heard you can use a vitamin e capsule daily and that it really makes a difference

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