depressed 11 months after active treatment

jen1

hi ladies, I am now 11 months from active treatment I am so depressed and i feel hopeless lI don't understand. I went through a lumpectomy chemo and radiation I never once felt depressed during that whole time may be sad with the loss of my hair but basically emotionally I was fine. I'm a special education teacher . I love my children and working kept my mind off myself. I missed days here and there through chemo and then I went on leave in April having worked almost the entire school year. I had AC 4 rounds starting in Nov/13 then taxol 12 treatments once a week ending in april2014. I went on leave in April ,surgery in may radiation all June. July started getting my room ready for school. Did I mention a new program that I piloted this year. Started back to school in Aug and all these se started happening. Breast pain frozen shoulder/reflux/problems with Al's. I was happier during chemo. I am not a whiner. At work people could not believe I was in treatment. I have always been a positive person do now I m this anxiety ridden person afraid of every little bunp. Worried about recurrence. But took my initial diagnosis well. I'm now a weepy mess. Have any of you ladies felt worse now than when you were going through treatment.

Racy

You do not have to suffer this as help is available. Please make an appointment with your primary doctor to discuss how you are feeling. Your doctor can refer you to a psychologist (ideally someone with expertise in treating people with cancer) and can prescribe medication which will help your mood greatly.

Like you, I was positive and capable before cancer. Unlike you, I stopped work immediately I was diagnosed and did not work for 16 months. I wanted to focus on getting through it. 

I started seeing a psychologist within weeks and continued for about two years. I had never been depressed before but having a relationship with a good psych was a great support.

I also started taking an antidepressant which I continue to this day.

I have a good, normal life and am happy, except when I think of the cancer. But I know how to deal with those occasions, thanks to my psych, and they don't last more than a few minutes.

Please seek treatment. You will be amazed at the difference it can make quickly, especially with medication.

Racy

I just re-read your post and I am thinking part of the reason for your depression starting now is that you no longer have the 'safety net' of active treatment and regular contact with your doctors. This is very common.

Remember, you can contact your doctor any time something is bothering you, whether it be a side effect of treatment or a new concern.

I have a book: 'The cancer survivor's companion - practical ways to cope with your feelings after cancer'. It contains a whole gamit of suggestions. Well worth checking out this or similar.

jen1

Thank you Racy

ruthbru

Hi Jen, gosh, I was a special education teacher too (since retired), did AC without missing school except infusion days, radiation in the summer (finishing up on a Thursday, started Arimidex Friday, and the new school year Monday), so can totally relate! I do think the 'safety net' does have something to do with it. When you are in treatment, you are in a 'fight mode', as is your medical team.....and then all of the sudden it is like you are thrown out the door with a bottle of pills and a 'good luck' (really that is not how it is, but it is how it feels).....and then you have to sort out what has just happened to you; and that is the really hard part. I think it took me a full year to be even able to think deeply about what had happened & try to make some sort of sense out of it. Getting outside help is always a good idea if things seem overwhelming. Along with that very good advice, here are some day-to-day things that helped me: exercise was really a KEY to both my physical and emotional recovery so I can't stress enough it's importance (if you have a frozen shoulder, get a PT referral ASAP!),  doing some of the fun/interesting things that you have maybe wanted to do for a long time but put off until later.... which could be anything; join a choir, take a painting class, take cooking class, learn Norwegian, join a book club, travel to places you've always wanted to see, whatever..... (also use the 'cancer card' to get out of things that you really don't want to do!), make plans for the future (I remember being really scared to book plane tickets for a vacation with my sister...what if that would bring bad luck?......but I felt an actual physical sense of moving forward once I clicked the 'purchase' button).  I also started doing yoga & got some good meditation CDs which I still use.  Treat yourself really nice; get the good haircut, dye your hair purple if you feel like it, buy age inappropriate clothes....have a little fun....you deserve it!!

jen1

Thank you so much ruthbru...

ruthbru

Time is also a healer. I now feel fine mentally (and physically) almost all the time.....I just go into panic mode at mammogram & yearly checkups.....which I handle by taking sleeping pills, listening to hypnosis CDs, and exercising like a maniac for the entire week beforehand....knowing that I'm going to be all freaked out sort of weirdly helps me handle it better. 

jen1

Thank you ruthbru and racy for responding.Your kind words and support mean so much. I will definitely take your suggestions. I want me back...

ruthbru

If you want some exercise buddies, come over to the "Lets Post Our Daily Exercise" thread on the fitness forum. A great group of ladies in all stages of treatment & beyond & at all fitness levels. A very encouraging and FUN thread!

jen1

Thank you Ruthbru I have been so bad about exercise. I know it will help. I will go over to the thread. Thank you for caring

ruthbru

That is what we teachers do, right?

jen1

Hugs

ruthbru

artsee

Jen, I totally get your feelings and the order of them. Yes, the flying on your own, was scared for me. But you settle down till the exam and mamo times like Ruth said. Then all goes well till there's another bump in the road, to deal with and the anxiety starts again.

After 7 years I started with a scar tissue change about three weeks ago.Believe it or not it can be an after effect of Rads even 10 years out. Had a biopsy and came out as Fat Necrosis. What a worry. It continues to drain fluid, and is red. Surgeon says it look good but I still worry. And so it keeps going. So I hear you! Get some help, as that may calm you. But I do go to excercise and yoga and keep busy but it's hard to turn off the brain.😟

Every little thing we notice starts to be May a mets...ugh vicious circle. I wish you well. And Ruth I'm happy you have had no problems. I know you are out from DX about as long as I.

Hugs to you guys,

Artsee

ruthbru

Yea for us, Artsee!  Glad you had a Fat Necrosis and nothing more. I remember my radiologist stressed that I should see him first (not a surgeon) if I had any troubles with that breast anytime in the future, so apparently surprises can pop up way down the line.
Yes, it is a weird thing to be glad for another type of health problem....a couple years ago I was THRILLED to find out that I had a hernia .

superbuggle

jen1,

I am a teacher and I finished my treatments 2.5 years ago. I feel worse now than ever before. I feel like there's a void after all the adrenaline attention I had during treatments. My friends and family showered me with support and now it is quiet. They think "she's OK now" but they don't know that I live in fear everyday of lumps and other symptoms. I feel the burden of being in charge of monitoring my body, noticing if something is normal or changing, and deciding when to go to the doctor. They tell us it is better to catch stuff early so I am always scared. When I first found out I had breast cancer, I was the one who felt the lump. My family doc didn't feel it, the surgeon had a hard time feeling it,it didn't show up on a mammogram, it was me.

During chemo treatments, I definitely had "chemo-brain", but I thought it would go away. My brain still feels fuzzy. My memory is bad, I have a hard time articulating myself, social situations are harder for me now. I'm not funny anymore, I don't say clever things, I don't have fun ideas of things to do with my friends anymore. I feel my friends are distancing themselves from me because I'm not my fun, bubbly self anymore. It's a terrible cycle that I am stuck in. And I'm so anxious about everything. I'm paranoid, panicky.

I went on Effexor (recommended as the only anti-depressant that does not affect Tamoxifen) about a year after treatments because I was feeling so depressed. They helped me for 6 months, but I felt "numb" on them and we were about to have a baby so I wanted to be present and alert and aware so I could enjoy every moment with this new baby. When I went off of it, I was more depressed for about 3 months than I ever was before. I researched Effexor and apparently lots of people have serious issues coming off of it. I was good for a few months after that (maybe the excitement of having a baby?) and now I am down again. I could cry at any moment. I don't like myself - wish I was my bubbly self from before. I think as a result of me not liking myself, my friends don't like to be around me, so I am isolated but I have done it to myself. It's a terrible terrible cycle. I know I need to take care of my thoughts, learn to love my new self and learn to be OK on my own (I rely too much on reassurance from others). It is HARD. No one can do it for me. I am on my own and I feel so weak.

I read a bit about how some people suffer depression on Tamoxifen, so I am planning on trying to get through these 2 last years on Tamoxifen and if I still feel terrible after that, I can try a different anti-depressant.

It's nice to talk with people who know what I am going through. All of my friends are 30 years old and have never experienced any disease or trauma in their lives. They just want their fun friend back and they don't know how to be a friend to someone who is sad.

jen1

Artsee thank you so much for responding. IAm so glad you understand. Thank you for letting me know that some changes may still be justSE from treatments. I will try not yo worry so much.

My dear supperbuggle bless your heart. I understand. These ladies on these boards have helped me so much. Please keep reaching out. As will I.