Just need reassurance that it gets better

MikaJ

Hi all. I've read through some other posts and really appreciate the positive and supportive words you share. It's crazy to hear that the total meltdown-freakout-how-am-I-going-to-get-through-this I'm experiencing seems pretty universal. Biopsy found DCIS in left breast and then MRI came back with worse news (? maybe ?) for right breast - totally unexpected. Going for biopsy on right tomorrow and chicken I am I don't even want to write down what the doctor suspects (suffice it to say that DCIS would be a best-case scenario). My kid is 11 and it's hard to even look at him or spend time with him because I just want to cry cry cry. If anyone can tell me that it gets better I sure could use that kind of support. Thanks much.

SueH58

Hi MikaJ

I can totally relate to the stress associated with the uncertainty. I've probably aged like a President as I've gone through analysis to determine whether or not I need chemo. I'm hoping now that I've decided that my stress will be reduced.

If your test does come back with a malignant result, hopefully it will be very small with no lymph node involvement. I would ask for an Oncotype test to determine the risk of recurrence. If low, you should be good to go with a lumpectomy and radiation.

I so hope it comes back negative, or as a small, manageable malignant tumor.

Please keep me posted

Sue

Meadow

Mika, I am so sorry you are going thru this. Yes, it definitely gets better. We all have been there,we have been scared. But I do want to share that there is good health to be had at the end of it all. Please check out this wonderful website, there is so much to learn here...and join in the threads that pertain to your diagnosis....I know you do not have all the details yet regarding your treatment plan, when you do, you will feel better, more focused. And you can do this! Breast cancer is not a death sentence...we here are living proof of it! Hang in there, I hope you have strong support, if not, you will find it here. Hugs to you, and your lil man too.

slv58

Mika, what Meadow has said is so true. We all went through this fear and anxiety. Right now you are facing a war with no army. You feel vulnerable and scared. Trust me, when you get your treatment plan you will find that your 'army' will give you so much strength and determination. Hang in there till you meet with your oncologist. If you can bring someone with you to act as a second pair of ears, you'll retain some info and forget a lot. If you can't take anyone with you, ask to record your appointment.make a list of questions to ask with the time you have till your appointment- this will help you gain some control. Try some guided imagery to help you relax. I like Bernie Segal. Come back here for support and information- it's been a life saver for my mental health- these ladies are wonderful and truly understand what you are going through. It's a safe place to express all your emotions.

Hugs xxx

willbefine

MikaJ, didn't your Dr. tell you MRI is highly sensitive and could lead to a lot of pain, I mean in mind ? You will be fine, believe me.

MikaJ

Thank you, all of you. That's so encouraging to hear, that you start to feel human again (the good kind, not the psychotic kind ). It's so surreal, that things can change so fast and it's definitely got my head spinning. I wrote to my bosses today to let them know I'll likely need some flex time and family medical leave and it made things seem far too real. Waiting for my results from my right breast biopsy (the left is DCIS; the right may be a big ole DCIS cluster or IBC) and in some ways I don't mind the wait because I don't want to lose the hope that it's DCIS only. Again, so many thanks. Just knowing that I'm not alone means a lot to me and I'm sure to all the others on here too....!

Anonymous

Welcome to BCO MikaJ. The beginning is the hardest part. Once you have a treatment plan in place it does get better! In the meantime, you have so many women who have been where you are now. You are not alone. Please keep us updated. Sending best wishes and gentle hugs to you!

hummingbirdlover

What you said about not being alone is absolutely true!! Those first few weeks, I felt like I was in a washing machine on the spin cycle. I also have a son, he is nine and although having him made it so much scarier, he also gave me the strength I needed.

Hang in there. I promise it does get easier and once you know what the plan is, you just do it. A BC friend of mine told me that my job was to just show up and let my team work for me and I did. You're going to do great!

The friends I've met on this site have been a life saver for me

WinningSoFar

When we're first diagnosed, all we have to is our preconceptions of cancer, formed from relatives' stories, old wives tales and scary movies. I can remember wondering if I should be arranging for a casket! So, I'll say what my surgeon said that just took the wind out of that fear: you're going to live for many years. That was 15 years ago, nearly 16, and I'm still here. Cancer is still my companion, but it sure hasn't ended my life or even changed its trajectory much, if at all. No matter what you have, you will treat it, it will shrink or disappear, you will be happy again. Count on it.

MikaJ

Thank you so much, for the support and encouragement. I'm moved to tears ('course I'm on the edge of tears all the time nowadays but seriously, it's such important reassurance!). I'm still waiting for the right breast biopsy result; meanwhile sporting a rather dramatic-looking bruise all purple and green and yellow. Part of me feels sorry for that right boob that it's all banged up, and another part of me is kind of mad at it for betraying me (so bruises are just desserts), and then I feel guilty for feeling mad at it, and buried in all that are the shreds of me clinging to sanity think I'm being a nut for feeling sorry for OR feeling angry at OR feeling guilty about my poor breast. It did what I needed it to do for many years - nourished my son, filled out dresses nicely, but I'm ready to say goodbye in a heartbeat if it's going to hurt me. What a mess. The mantra of "I am going to live for many years" is one I need to repeat over and over -- lots and lots of women with BC do, and I will too. Thank you all again; your support is helping me stay sane!

Meadow

Mika, I asked a physical therapist who was also trained in multiple fields of PT that was treating me once how I should feel about my cancer...you talking about your breast made me think of this....I didnt know how to feel about my cancer, should I hate it? should I be angry and force it out of my body? but it was me a part of me, my breast, how should I mentally feel/fight my cancer? She said two words that resonated with me, and is still a part of my mental outlook..she said, "Love heals". So I have continued to love my body, love my breast that served me well too, nursed my babies. Bid farewell to the cancer, yes, its gotta go. But I can fight better from a positve place, never negative. I hope this helps!

Jeeper4

to the previous ladies who responded--all you said was beautiful, the words touched me, i needed to hear them tonight. my heart breaks every time i see a new sister join the group. i feel their grief and remember my own panic/terror in those early days. MikaJ, i can't say it better than what's been said so just a hug from me. WinningSoFar-thank you for your very wise words. I wrote it down so I can carry it with me.

MikaJ

Two weeks ago today, I found out I had DCIS in my left breast. One week ago today, the MRI showed a worrisome blob on my right breast. All day I've been waiting for results from the biopsy that followed the MRI and I have to say I'm kind of relieved I didn't get a call from my doc today. The last two Tuesdays have been a bit too rough. I just want to say my thanks again. This is some scary stuff and you're giving me strength. That's such a gift.

momand2kids

Just want to add that it does indeed get better. Once you know what you are dealing with and make a plan, you will feel so much more in control.... my kids were 12 7 and it was hard to think of them... but you will be amazed at how resilient kids are. I think if you asked them today, they would simply not remember that time because we just kept their lives normal---- one foot in front of the other....

I am almost 7 years out-feel great-- expect to live a long and healthy life!!!! Hang in there- sounds like you will have lots of information soon that will help you take the next steps.

MikaJ

Thanks, momand2kids. I woke up feeling supershaky today; just want to sleep the day away (with meds if necessary) but don't want to use up too many sick hours when I'm not actually sick - just feel like my whole body is tensed up, ready for a blow, twisting in my stomach. So happy to hear that you're feeling great --- that's what I need, the reminder that this is a short, ugly period that gets better and left behind. I'm thankful to you and other women who got through this for being there for those of us just arriving.

MikaJ

Hi again all. Well, looks like DCIS on the left/grade 3 and on the right, IDC Stage 1/grade 1 (at least per the biopsy -- though the MRI suggested the tumor was big enough for Stage 2 or has a lot of sclerosing adenosis, so I guess final 'staging' will happen after the mastecomy? Which feels weird since staging, I thought, was part of planing the treatment?)

I'll find out if I have the BRCA gene either Friday or next week - Doc thinks it's likely - and we'll go from there since I guess if I have the gene that'll pretty much trump everything.

I do feel better in a lot of ways - ready to face and fight - but also having really mixed feelings about my boobs. Poor boobs, just trying to do their thing. I was so ridiculously proud of them when they started developing, and even more so when they kept my kid fed for as long as he wanted. It makes me sad to think they're not going to be part of me. My kid said we should have a burial for them, or cremate them and scatter them in our yard. My kid is a lilttle Weirdie. But I suppose having a 'fare-thee-well' for them does make some kind of sense....

Anyway, I guess I'll be moving to other boards now (surgery! reconstruction? genetics!) but I promise to come back here for future posters, to channel the same reassurance that you've given me, cause that place where you're waiting and worrying and freaking out - and the INSANE learning curve you climb as you try to absorb everything at once! - really is a low, low place to be.... Thanks again, my sisters in arms.

SueH58

Mika, I'm so sorry for you. I had a lumpectomy and didn't feel outwardly sad, but i had a LOT of wierd dreams and would cry out of nowhere. So I think our psyches mourn what's happening, and it's good to get it out. So if it happens to you, I believe it's normal.

Hang in there!

Sue

Meadow

Mika, I tried to "honor" my sweet boobies as much as possible in the months leading up to mastectomy...I had chemo first so I had months to prepare mentally for the change my body was being forced into. I was ready on surgery day, because my survival depended on it and that made me strong. I still miss my old body, I always will I suppose, but I would much rather live long in this new one than die early in the old one. I like Kayb's post above, nice ideas. Hugs top you.