"You got the easy cancer"

Cheesequake

"You got the easy cancer"

Cheesequake

An acquaintance/friend had cancer a couple years ago in her neck/throat and lymph nodes (I don't know the specific cancer). She had surgery and radiation but no chemo, because it doesn't work for her cancer. The 5 year survival rate for her cancer is very low. She's alive and currently NED, but also very depressed and essentially waiting to die. She tells other people who had or have cancer, who have a full range of treatments available to them, "oh, you got the easy cancer."

I haven't had the emotional strength to spend time around her, even since before my DX. I have not seen her or talked to her since my DX, but I know eventually I'll tell her. And she'll tell me I got the easy cancer. And I'm not sure what I'll say.

wrenn

I hope I never have to find out how she feels. I would say "I am so sorry you are going through this" and not mention your own nightmare since she is probably not going to hear you. I don't think she is diminishing your experience but is just bereft about her own.

linzer

I struggle a lot with situations like this. I've come to accept that we all need to lift each other up, even when it seems like they may be trying to tear us down. I also try to really put myself in the other's shoes. In her case, if she's terminal and you currently are not, it would seem reasonable to her that you did get an easy cancer as compared to her. It doesn't make the statement right, but it's her perspective. I also cringe when people say things like that because it somehow sets up a judgment call of which illness is worse to have or who's more ill. Never a fair or worthwhile comparison to make.

Although, I will admit that I've found myself standing in the elevator at my cancer factory (LOL) and thought, "Gosh, I got the easy cancer", especially when I see how badly it can ravage a person physically and mentally. I've come out of it relatively unscathed. It is, however, very different to think it ourselves rather than have others say it to us. Sort of like when you think your kid is being a brat but heaven help the other mother who agrees

For me, it comes down to motivation. When people say things to me that are thoughtless or in poor taste, I ask myself, "Are they doing this because they want to be mean / disparaging or do they truly not know the impact of their words?" If it's the latter, I tend to let it go. When I was younger I felt the need to educate (I'm only 48, but feeling very much the wise old owl these days - haha). I don't have room in my life for the negative energy it takes to harbor those feelings of anger or to make those education explanations etc. That's not to say it is wrong if that's what one chooses to do. Maybe you do need to distance yourself from her if you think you'll find it hard to deal with her. That way you won't have to face the comment or respond to it. Whatever you decide, I hope that you find comfort with others who do understand what you are going through without judgment. We all need that for sure! Hugs

sas-schatzi

Cheesecake Hi Newbie. Tough topic. I think Linzer covered allot. Everything is relative. I had BC-'09, brain tumor in '12, and thyroid ca-14. I'm kicking DH was dx'd with Lymphoma 3 months behind me in '09. When I heard the words Lymphoma, I thought 'great he's got one of the survivable ones'. Regretfully, he was in the 5% that didn't have the right type of Lymphoma. He passed in '10.

When I was dx'd with Thyroid ca. I learned they're are 4 types. Papillary-96% survival @ 10years, Follicular-92% @ 10years, Medullary and anaplastic- get your paperwork in place. There's variability with the stats based on staging, just like with BC. Mine was Papillary with a follicular variant with Hurth cells. Kind of throws the dx into an unknown. It's okay, been through so much, I'm in the 'what will be, will be zone'.

Cheesecake what they did was take hope from her. She hasn't realized that she can pack allot into 5 years. Besides no one knows the real time to go. She needs you.  She may not be okay now, but be there for her if you can. Never know if she will be abandoned by others. Never know, maybe she could be as close as a sister to you. One step at a time.

Cheesequake, I made you into Cheesecake

Cheesequake

Thanks all for the insight. Nice to hear from many different folks handling their cancer -and handling others - in many different ways.

Kicks

Don't waste any of your energy on worry about dealing with someone who cooses to be negative. It will only bring you down and take your energy from being positive and living life to the utmost YOU can! NO ONE has a guarantee for what 'tomorrow' will bring to any of us.

I will agree that it is great to lift/help anyone we can but 'someone' has to be willing to accept that for it to do any good. Your first priority should be YOU and staying as positive as possible to win your battle.