My body is a wonderland!

Bippy625

do not be fooled by the thread name. wonderland was where Alice went and it was kinda strange. Which is kinda how I feel.

I am nearly done with active treatment. I'm on my tamoxifen and my quarterly visits to the oncologist. I hooked up a job which I start on Monday. So, what is it then you ask?

Anyone else feel like they just were tossed back into the earth atmosphere after being away on a really weird planet where they hurt you but are very nice about it? Where in the beginning you're not even sure if you're going to survive very long? Now that you have though, are you asking yourself who you are?

Part of me is overjoyed and grateful to be alive and actually well. I realize that many, many other sisters here in stage 4 now started out just like me, or worse, or stage 4 right out of the gate. So I never forget that I'm very very lucky.

The person I was back in July 2014 is gone. Parts of her and I miss terribly and parts of her Needed to go. Overall, there have been many changes for the good.

Maybe I'm not describing it well but I sort of feel like an outsider to my own life now. I just am not sure who I am. Feeling scared and a tad lost. The job I'm starting is in a completely different field of law which I know virtually nothing about. So I'm going from being an expert in my field with many years of experience to a newbie. That's uncomfortable for me. I'm used to being in charge and just knowing what needs to be done and doing it quickly and runing the whole office alone. Now, I will have coworkers.

So today I'm shopping to update my wardrobe so I want to really look pulled together. That is different forever now too, as I have to think about plunging neck line's, protection of my skin from the hot Florida sun, etc. etc. also I am aging and always want to look fashionable yet appropriate. So I'm trying out new styles and labels and sizes. It's disorienting. And what song comes on? Your body is a wonderland! I have that CD, and was just thinking about all the times I would crank it up in the car and basically sing it to my boobs. Yes, I am pathetic. But they were part of me, and I still miss them sometimes. now I'm dealing with the foobs.

Anyway I can feel the hysterical giggles just bubbling up because it's frankly ridiculous right? And I'm trying to stifle them but it's not working. So I just let it rip right there in the upscale consignment shop! Luckily the girls checking me out just started giggling with me. Theirperky boobs kind of pissed me off but you know you can't have everything.

Leah_S

You know, Bippy, you've described it well. I think Alice pulled me here, down this rabbit hole. So I'll use my weird body to laugh while I can, realizing that I can still enjoy life with my lowlowlow energy, no boobs, and even no bellybutton.

In Wonderland, you have to run very fast to stay in the same place.

Leah