unsupportive husband and family

AmazingGrace07

hello... I hear so much on the subject of very supportive husbands and families. Am I the only one who, from the start, being diagnosed with breast cancer and having a mastectomy and chemo with a totally unsupportive husband? From the start it was a total nightmare ! After being diagnosed with BC there were many doctor appointments with all the doctors who were overseeing and planning my treatment plan. My doctors told me that I would do much better if I put together what they called a Support Team My husband said he wanted to be involved so I assumed he would be part of that Support Team and came with me to all my appointments. That was a total mistake !!!!! After leaving the doctors offices all his comments were... "OH all these doctors really want to do is to look at your tits " ... I could not believe he even said that to me. Being 47 our PCP gave me a RX for a first time mammo. My husband honestly believes even to this day ...that I let the doctor be sexual with me and that he found a lump or something during this and ordered a mammogram. We had been married over 30 years at that point and I NEVER EVER cheated on him or even had a desire to. It was his own demented thinking because that is the way he is. in 40 years of marriage he had 3 affairs that he admitted to later on. As it turned out ...the type of cancer I had there was NO lump and the surgeon said there never would have been a lump. You would think that this right from the surgeon mouth would make my husband see that there was no lump... that his accusations were wrong ??? NO it didn't

Then one day after seeing the surgeon to go over the mastectomy procedure in which my husband came with me we stopped by my sisters home to tell my sister and my mom what the doctor had said. My teen nephew was there and going over what college courses he was thinking of taking upon graduating high school my husband said to him, " Become a surgeon ! This way all you have to do all day is get look at womans tits !" I was totally mortified by his attitude ! Did he think that having breast cancer and a mastectomy was about having the liberty of seeing womans tits ???? Somehow in his demented sex addicted mind he saw this as a sexual thing????? I knew he was addicted to porn but I did not know to what extent at that time. I finally decided that he was NEVER coming with me to another doctors appointment ! It is bad enough having to have a stranger see you naked yes even a doctor and i did not need my husband saying stuff like that because he could not handle it and that he himself had a sexual addiction so much that EVERY thought had to do with something sexual. .

After the mastectomy I started chemo which made me tired and feeling sick. I went out on disability. My husband says to me..."I don't want to work either....I want to be able to stay home too." REALLY???? to me it was if he was a child saying "oh she gets to stay home from school i want to stay home too". . He would come home from work and see me not feeling well he would punch the walls and doors and SCREAM ..."WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE AND GET IT OVER WITH??? " I was on chemo for over 6 months and that is all I ever heard from him. OH he went to work ... he did not stay home. My mom came to stay with us to help out but she really was not at all helpful either.... she would tell my husband "oh all she did all day was sleep", which would set my husband into a rage. My 2 grown children???? well they buried themselves with their our families ...they lived local yet never offering to even help cook a meal or clean for me. Maybe they could not take seeing me sick... I don't know. Heck I was in the hospital 3 days after the mastectomy and neither one came to visit me... It was a time I needed their support but none was there.

Ok it is now a few years later...... its my birthday !! about 2 weeks before my birthday my husband says that he bought me something that he charged to our JC Penny card and that when the bill came in not to open it cause he did not want me to see how much he paid for it... I said ok but found that a bit strange, What he did not realize was that he left the receipt for it on his end table in our bedroom.... $899.00 WOW !!!! I just stuck it in his drawer not wanting him to know that I saw it .... and waited excitedly for 2 weeks to see what it was he had bought for me. My birthday came he threw a sunday bbq with of course my brother and sister-in-law-in , my mom and a few friends in which my husband and sister-in-law got so drunk. . He gave me my birthday gift that he bought.... it was a tiny and i mean TINY diamond necklace with a chain that was as thin as a human strand of hair !

. I though wow did he get ripped off there is NO way this is worth $899.00 .... That evening when I went to get ready for bed I was taking the necklace off and the chain just fell apart . I could not believe it ! I showed him and he said "Oh don't take it back to the store ...just take it to a jeweler and get it fixed. I sad You JUST bought it I am taking it back ! But he insists that I NOT return it to JC Penny's ! I knew he did not spend that money on me....

A few days later I was looking at the pictures on his cell phone and there is a picture of my sister-in-law that he had taken with his phone ....she had a blouse on that I had never seen her in before.... the picture was taken at 12:30 noon and the day AFTER MY BIRTHDAY !!!!! As it turned out he had bought that $899.00 diamond necklace for her and gave it to her THE DAY AFTER MY birthday at a restaurant where they secretly met for lunch while both were supposed to be at their jobs! A week and another BBQ later I caught them kissing in my kitchen and caught them both in our bathroom together where she wants to show him her new bra from Victoria's Secret.

So my husband rewarded himself for having to work while I was home by having an affair ,,,, low and behold....WITH MY BROTHERS WIFE !!!! my sister-in-law !!! and might I mention my brother is a pastor. When I found out about the affair WITH PROOF....... I spoke to my brother about it but he refused to believe or choose to be in denial saying that she had no time to have an affair.

Maybe my husband needed 2 tits instead of 1. Of course he denied it at first but I had 100% true proof ... even pictures he had downloaded to his cell phone.....I knew what was going on ! A few months before the discovery of my husband and sister-in-laws affair my husband had gotten an RX from our PCP for viagra and also ordered mail order penis enlargement pills that he saw on those early morning info commercials. He would scream and say stuff like I can get anything I want for $5 from a prostitute .... And my reply was "Yeah and you can a lot more than you bargained for ... You can also get AID's for your $5 too" He replies GOOD !!! Then I'll come home and give it to you " well he ended up getting gentital herpies in which he gave to me.... YES I got tested.

This man says he loves me.... these things show me otherwise. I went to a support group and shared some of what I went through but it was so totally opposite of what the other woman had gone through so much so that they could not identify with the pain I was feeling. I went to a counselor and I spoke to her of what I went through and her advise was to start saving whatever cash I could because she did not see how I would stay married to this man. A lot of times I left the counselor's office feeling worse than when I walked in because digging up all the garbage only made the hurt come to the surface.

So here i am wondering if anyone else went through breast cancer mastectomy and the treatments with unsupportive husband and/or family ???? I feel so alone in this.

Fiaranch1

Amazing Grace,

The first time I got BC many years ago............ I was laying on the kitchen floor while making spaghetti sauce . My husband at the time still needed to eat and the house needed cleaning and I had a 7 year old son. I started throwing up right there in the kitchen and all he could say was "when is that shit going to be done". I vowed right then and there that I had to live for my son (whatever it took to see him raised) I also vowed I would never again allow myself to be treated like I did not matter. I filed for a divorce 2 weeks later. That was 25 years ago. Last year I got breast cancer again along with lymphoma. I My second husband of over 20 years has been nothing but supportive, I did not want recon after hearing about so many surgeries and failures. His response was I don't care what you look like just as long as I have you .

My former husband was a full blown alcoholic and is now also a crack addict

All I can tell you is "HE WILL NOT CHANGE" . GET OUT NOW !!! You WILL make it and you deserve better !!!

exbrnxgrl

sadly, I agree with fiaranch. My husband of 23 years was quite similar, though more subtle, in his comments and addictions. I woke up one day and knew I deservecd better. It was not pleasant or easy, but 8 years post-divorce, I have never been happier despite stage IV bc. My thoughts arecwith you regardless of what direction you take, but no one deserves that type of abuse.

PS: if you don't mind my asking, why did you have chemo for DCIS

WinningSoFar

I have to agree with your therapist. Save your money and keep it secret. As much as it hurts, something is dreadfully wrong with your marriage.

justmaximom15

I know that I'm new here and maybe this is too direct of me to say but I'm doing it anyway. Your BC and the fact that your husband is a lousy cheating d-bag have nothing to do with each other.

Nobody deserves to be treated the way he's treating you but as long as you allow him to do so, he will continue to do it. Realize you deserve better and kick him to the curb!!!!!

gypsyjo

I can relate but I ended my 30 year marriage 10 years prior to my diagnosis. The year it ended, I realized that I never felt more alone that when I was with him. I saw how he treated his mother as she became ill. He said she had dementia and put her in a nursing home. I saw how he treated our daughter when she had major health issues and I would come home from work finding her in tears and he had a smug smile on his face because he was right. I saw that he was driving people away from me in their attempt to avoid him. I saw what was ahead in my future and it wasn't acceptable. justmaxi is right that your marriage and cancer have nothing to do with each other, other than your awareness that you deserve better. Ten years later, I have cancer but have a wonderful supportive husband and family. My new hubby let me decide my treatment saying "Sexy is in the mind".  Let it all out with the counselor even when it feels bad. Mine suggested that someday I might find someone that deserved me and I automatically dismissed that, but now her words come back to me. There is better out there for you. Find support for whatever you need to do in the future whether it be cancer or relationships. Hugs.

AmazingGrace07

I am new to this site and I am having a bit of trouble finding my post.... I do want to thank everyone who responds to my post and sharing their advise and even their own stories. It is true that BC and my marriage are 2 different issues but the BC magnified the problems and added to the stress of it all. My husband was so addicted to porn that maybe my "new" body with 1 boob was a turn off for him. I really don't know. His affair with my sister-in-law which he refused to cut off all communications with her until she and my brother moved out of state. since breaking it off with her he lost all interest in work... in making any kind of money ...in bills... in everything even to the point of letting our house go into foreclosure. He even stopped paying his life insurence ! All he wants to do is sleep and watch TV. He is in his mid 60's now and not in good health because he even gave up on keeping his diabetes under control which took its toll on his heart and kidneys.

Beachbum1023

Amazing Grace, ditto that! I am so sorry that you have lived this life, one that so many women and men can share the same or parts of your story. It is truly a nightmare. I spent 15 years living crazy, and three more years trying to get rid of crazy. In the end I lost everything I had worked for all my life due to his cheating, lying, and sadly stealing. I have spent 10 1/2 years paying and repaying, and I doubt I will ever really pay off all of the damage done. So I guess I am gagging on the red flags. I am so tired of people asking how I didn't know, how I missed all the signs, how I never caught all the money issues with the business. Well let me tell you..............I could be a full blown mini series. But I am done, threw the jerk out 11/14/2004. And when the crap hit the fan, it was a tidal wave. I thought I knew what the what, it only got worse until I had nothing left. But oh so worth it. I just wish I had organized it better from the go, but hindsight is 20/20. In the end, it was so much worse than I thought or even guessed.

I would stash as much cash as possible, take more control, and then make my move. I have been left in a mess, but it is what it is. Anything toxic has to leave or go on the back burner. This is all about me. When I was first diagnosed I couldn't imagine going this nightmare alone. But I am anyways, and was in worse shape with him. I just hope the rest of my days are peaceful and stress free.

I hope you find the comfort and peace you so deserve. I turned the hurt to anger, and motion. And I took my life back.

gypsyjo

My ex was too addicted to porn. I think it was one symptom that it was all about him. Marriage is a give and take. I frequently gave in to whatever he wanted figuring when I had needs he would step up. I also made excuses for his sometimes bad behavior.  He did have some good traits. What I found out after 30 years was we didn't share that same give and take. It was always about him, never about anyone else (wife, mother, daughter when they were truly needy). I am not stating that yours is the same, but I see some of the same patterns. The magnification is that for him it may well be all about sex, its not about you, your relationship and your needs at the moment. Continue seeing the counselor. I wasn't sure at the time if it was helping me or not, but within one year of working with her, my direction was clear. Life is better than it was in 30 years.

Right now you need to focus on you, and the counselor will surely help with that. The counselor helped me identify what I really wanted in a relationship and in my life and also met with my husband, He saw no problem with our relationship for several sessions as I cried the whole time sitting next to him. He just thought I was menopausal and should be given some pills. I was meeting his needs, he had no interest in meeting mine. She talked over lots of options, status quo, couples therapy, staying married and living apart, legally separated and still married, divorce and move on. Lots of possibilities exist that a neutral party can see. Find those that support you and be open to all options in life. Seek some help and support for yourself whether it be friends or a counselor. Sometimes the final straw is just part of a much bigger issue that should be addressed. You are important, you have needs, you deserve support.

To answer your question, you are not alone. Several of us can identify. Be good to yourself. Hug.