How can I help?- Young wife with Stage 1 Grade 2, and a new baby

Ryan_B

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I'm struggling. My wife is my best friend, and has Stage 1 Grade 2 HRE positive breast cancer.

Last April my wife (29) got pregnant with our first baby. During her first exam at the doctor he found a small lump in her breast, but was not overly concerned, thinking it was a blocked milk duct. He sent her for ultrasound to be safe, and they said the same thing. In October she found a second much larger mass (6cm across) which they did a second ultra sound on again, and told us again it was just a blocked duct.

She had our beautiful baby girl Isabelle in January, and the Obstetrician ordered an ultrasound for the next day. They were concerned at that point because they were sure it would have cleared once she started breast feeding. They sent her for a Biopsy the following week, at which point the Obstetrician was sure it would be an milk related adenoma. They were shocked when it came back positive for cancerous cells.

The surgeon sent her for an MRI, but we were assured it would be at worst a lumpectomy, with radiation. When she got the results, she said a Mastectomy was by far the better way to go because of the size of the mass, but that if she did that it would be the end of things.

My wife is incredibly brave and strong, and did the mastectomy, even only having a 4 week old daughter. We have now seen the Oncologist, who is having her do 4 rounds of chemo, and 18 rounds of a second drug, can't recall the name right now.

My wife is amazing, but we are both really struggling. We now have a 9 week old daughter, and all of this has happened within the first 8 weeks of her life. My wife is devastated that she has to stop breast feeding as she loves that intimate connection so much. Between that, the loss of her breast, and now the hair loss from the chemo she is really struggling. We are both very close with our families, but they all live across the country. Fortunately they have been able to come for a few weeks, but of course can't stay forever.

I am doing everything I can to support her, but I can not get her mind off everything she has lost. I try to tell her that we still have a beautiful healthy daughter, that even with the surgery she's the most beautiful lady I've ever seen. I love her so much, and it's killing me to see her in so much pain. She starts chemo next Wednesday. I would really like to try to do something special for her before she starts treatment. I would be open to any ideas at all, and thank for you giving me an outlet. It feels good to even just write this out and get it off my chest.

Moderators

Hi Ryan and welcome to Breastcancer.org!

We're so sorry you have to be here, but really glad you found us. You're sure to see Breastcancer.org is an amazing source of support, advice, knowledge, and love.

There's sure to be some really helpful support and advice coming soon for you from the other members here. If you'd like to meet some other loved ones of people experiencing a breast cancer diagnosis, our For Caregivers, Family, Friends and Supporters forum is a great place to check out. You can gain some insight on how others are helping their loved ones through breast cancer diagnosis, treatment and recovery.

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

WinningSoFar

What a beautiful testament to you and your wife and daughter. Maybe you will only be able to stand in support of her and not be able to get her mind off her losses. Maybe this is her time to grieve, because she has had a very bad hand. If I could suggest a chemical answer, please investigate antidepressants. They can make a tremendous difference in one's ability to cope with adversity. Please keep us informed, we care very much.

farmerlucy

Hi Ryan- Oh that is so much to have to deal with for both of you. I'm sorry. I found it very helpful to have someone come alongside me in my journey and just be there for consistent, caring support. You are doing a great job. But I'm sure you'd love some support also. Here are some ideas for other areas beside professional counseling that may be of help now or later. The Stephen Minister program offered at many churches of many denominations is available to nonmembers, not just members, and spouses can be assigned their own Stephen Minister. It is not preachy, they won't try to convert you.

I found talking one on one with counselor really helped. I found one through the Stephen Ministry program at my church, Here is a link to their main page in St Louis. https://www.stephenministries.org/stephenministry...

Also Imerman Angels can get you set up with a cancer mentor - this is someone who has walked a similar path to what you are going through but they are farther along in their journey. Here is that link http://www.imermanangels.org/get-support/

Finally I have seen information about cancercare.org on these boards. Another member used them and they said they were very helpful. http://www.cancercare.org/

As far as I know these programs are all free of charge.

Sorry again that your family is facing this. Gentle hug,

Scwilly

I am so sorry that your wife has been diagnosed. You are a wonder support for her and will help her get through this. What I would suggest is that you reach out to your friends and family to get some practical help. Having a newborn baby is work enough, but to add chemo and other treatments will make is so hard to cope with. If you are given general offers of help - then translate these into practical ways that you feel will help you and your family best. People will offer but sometimes do not know how they can help. My lovely neighbor would cook us meals most weeks. I also had a number of friends who came for a week at a time and helped us to keep our household running - with meals, laundry, lifts for my teenagers etc and also love, company and distraction. If some of the chores are being locked after then you and your wife can worry less. Also - don't forget to look after yourself as you must be so worried and shocked.

Is your wife having AC and Taxol chemo? That's what I had 4 * 2 weekly, and then weekly taxol for 12 weeks. I had thought it would be like being hit by a train, but it wasn't and I managed to cope. I would recommend she takes things to help with side effects, especially nausea. Also get ahead of the constipation which will be a side effect of this drugs. I managed to go skiing with my family just before my last AC session. I'm by no means an athlete but managed to ski every other day. What was lovely was that I felt I wasn't just housebound and could go out and enjoy myself. So try to have some times out in the fresh air - e.g. at a local cafe and enjoy being a new family. Doing something normal is so important.

Sending lots of ((hugs)) to you all and know that this forum will help you through the worst. This is a club we never applied to but are members all the same. You will find a lot of support here.

Best wishes

Sarah xoxo

Holeinone

Ryan, what a sweetie you are, to find this website & share your story. It does feel good to be open & honest. That is a huge attraction here, we know everyone "gets it".

Fortunately your wife was dx stage 1. Being her+, is the reason she is getting the second drug for longer.Herceptin. It is not a chemo, but a targeted therapy. For what I read it does not have the same yucky side effects as the chemo does. I am not her+, so I am no expert.

Having Breast cancer sucks. Being a young mom & having it is UnFAIR ! She did nothing to cause this. Sadly, lots of us play the blame game when we are dx. I cannot suggest anything special, I will think about that & get back to you. For me, when a family member would bring something I was craving, that was bliss. I had aggressive chemo, stage 3. No appetite. I would crave 99 cent frostys from Wendy's. Nutritionally not great. But if she struggles with food, make sure she has what appeals. I lost 25 lbs during chemo. It's a long haul.

Faye33

Ryan,

I too was dx with stage 1 her2+ breast cancer. I was 33 and that was five years ago. While I did not have a newborn, my youngest had just turned one and my oldest was 10, with two other kids in the middle.

My husband was my hero during that time, taking off work to attend appointments and chemo and tend children when I needed. When my husband (or anyone) invested in my children during that time, they were taking care of me more then they knew. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. Having a new baby is life changing, and having a loved one with cancer is world changing. Both of them together? I can't even imagine.

Love on your sweet baby girl Isabelle for all you are worth and have grace and mercy for your wife. Being in such a vulnerable and broken place makes us cancer survivors do and say things we never should. As far as a pre-chemo surprise for your wife, I can't answer that for her. For me, I needed to feel prepared. I loved getting hats and scarves which were pretty, but I know not every woman likes such gifts.

Remember to take care of yourself. Do you have a good buddy or family member you can vent to? Someone you can openly voice your fears, struggles and frustrations to without being judged? You need a safe place to be able to do this.

I'm so sorry you guys are going through cancer at a time you should be adjust to your new addition to your family.

I can tell you love your wife very much and you will do an amazing job of taking care of her and your daughter