Not sure how to deal...

agsuitt

I found my lump in the beginning of February. Due to issues with my back, I didn't have my mammogram until the beginning of March. On March 6, 2015, I got the call that I have breast cancer. I'm married to a man who lost his first wife to breast cancer. I have seven stepchildren who lost their mother to breast cancer. I also have two children that I gave birth to.

Me personally, I was prepared for what they said. I had prayed about it and was at peace with whatever they said. I have strong faith and I know however God wants this to work out, it will work out. But.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty because everyone around me has fallen apart because of my diagnosis. My children, my parents, my siblings, and to some extent, my husband. They all cried for days. And I feel angry. Angry because I feel like they are condemning me to death because of my diagnosis. Angry because no one really wants to talk to me about this because they are so emotional about it. Angry because I am so ready to fight and win and it seems that no one understands that part of me. And I feel sad. Sad because I feel as if I am putting them through this mess and I hate to see them hurt.

A week from Tuesday I will have my right breast removed. And I am okay with that. I worry a little about the how I will look, but if it makes me healthier, then ok. I wonder if my husband will be turned off, but when I ask he seems ok with it. But we really don't discuss it. My mom brushes it off when I try to bring it up and my dad is quiet. My kids don't talk about it at all.

This is a scary place for me. Not because I have cancer. Not because I'll have a breast removed. But because, even surrounded by all these people (I had eight people with me for my first appointment after diagnosis), I feel utterly alone. Like I am the only one I have to talk to. And that's so hard.

How do I cope? Will this get better?

Moderators

Hi agsuitt and welcome to the Breastcancer.org Community!

We're so sorry to hear of your diagnosis, but really glad you found us. You've come to the right place to find support from others who truly understand! There's sure to be lots of others hopping in to say hi shortly.

There are also lots of other forums here where you can meet others who are experiencing different treatments as you right along with you -- namely, you may be interested in popping in to say to the ladies on the March 2015 Surgery Sisters thread, where you can share with others who are getting surgery this month too. Or, get tips from those who've been there on last month's Surgery thread.

We hope this helps and please keep us posted on how you're doing!

--The Mods

RebzAmy

Hi Agsuitt,

So sorry you're going through this. Not in the same situation but can relate. My husband lost his first wife to a brain tumour and he knew about what happened to me when we got together and he was okay about it. When I was diagnosed, my mum was the one who couldn't deal with any of it, so I surrounded myself with people who could (well who seemed that they could) and this is what you need to have around you, people who can support you right now.

It's always very hard for the people who love you the most and it's almost a sort of protection mechanism but at the same time, it's very selfish. I'm sure given time, some, if not all of your relatives will come around and will realise that actually they need to be supporting you and not thinking about themselves at this time. They need to put on a brave face and deal with it.

I understand the guilt feeling because you feel you're putting them through this but it's not your fault and you couldn't have done anything about it so please try not to feel guilty. You will feel alone because even with support around you, it's happening to you and not to them and they can and should be holding you up and supporting you. I felt extremely lonely sometimes even though I had support.

agsuitt

Thanks RebzAmy. It's good to hear from someone who understands. Half the time right now I don't know whether to cry or scream. Lol.

I'm looking into support groups in my area so I can get that support I need. At least until my family quits freaking out on me.

Anonymous

agsuitt, Welcome to BCO!

You will find a lot of support here on these boards. We've all felt the fear, anger, disappointment in others responses and frustration. The beginning is the most difficult part of this whole process. At least it was for me. Once I had my treatment plan in place, it got much easier. You're family is in shock right now, and I'm sure it will take them awhile to absorb it all. I've found the only people that can truly understand what you're going through are women/men in a similar situation. A local support group is a good idea if you can find one in your area. In the meantime, know that we are all here for you every step of the way Gentle hugs to you!!

gypsyjo

Please do check out the March Surgery Sisters. We are a supportive bunch. Half have been through surgery, half awaiting. Mine will be next Tuesday. I do sometimes feel very alone, but have found people here that truly understand my fears and feeling. There is support here. I understand how hard it is for your family. They still haven't come to terms with breast cancer only to be facing it again. It will come together as your treatment plan comes together. In the meantime, use those of us here for support. After initial diagnosis, we all feel out of control, especially those that love and support us. It sounds like they are trying with the crowd you had at your appointment. It will get better.

agsuitt

SlowDeepBreaths - the beginning has been difficult. Given how hard the family has taken this, I've actually held in my own feelings. I guess I just didn't want to upset them any more than they already were. As you said, once they grasp it, maybe it will get easier.

Gypsyjo - I will definitely check out the sisters Sounds like a great group for me. And, yes, they are trying. I am very thankful for that. I can't imagine doing this alone.

alaskamommao3

Hi Agsuitt,

I'm so sorry you and your family are facing this. Having the dynamic of being married to someone who died from breast cancer certainly has the ability to complicate everyone's feelings. You mentioned in your original post that you have a strong faith. I just wanted to encourage you in that. You are right, God is sovereign over all things, including this. The knowledge of that can be scary, until we realize that He is working through all kinds of circumstances to draw everyone to Himself. He loves us with an everlasting love and allows things that seem unfair. My diagnosis only came a month and a half ago and He has been faithful to meet me every step of the way. And I'm thankful my kids have had the opportunity to see me walk this in faith and surrender to the Lord and it's been incredible to watch how the Lord has carried them through their fears. (We found out a week before my 16 year old daughter was leaving the country to go on a month long mission trip to Guatemala. She did go ahead and go and had an incredible time and had some wonderful moments with the Lord.) I guess I say all that to say the Lord will use this in your life, for sure and in the lives of those around you.

I'll be praying for you, specifically Psalm 16 and that your family will embrace along with you all that He has for you and to give you room to feel every emotion this presents.

Sheri

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You.
2 I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
I have no good besides You."
3 As for the saints who are in the earth,
They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight.
4 The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied;
I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood,
Nor will I take their names upon my lips.

5 The Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup;
You support my lot.
6 The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places;
Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

7 I will bless the Lord who has counseled me;
Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night.
8 I have set the Lord continually before me;
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices;
My flesh also will dwell securely.
10 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol;
Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay.
11 You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

Hortense

I am terribly sorry you are having to deal with so much at once. It's really rotten. Your family needs a serious wake up call. You need to be concentrating on what needs to be done to get you through this rough patch, not stressing over family. Focus on your medical needs as best you can. Keep notes and ask questions. Educate yourself about breast cancer. This is an excellent website to do so, plus the threads have tons of information in them. Do your best to stay positive. I am a firm believer that it is powerful medicine, and it can't hurt.

Can you pick one person who is close to you, your mother or perhaps a friend, and speak open and honestly with that person about how abandoned you are feeling, just when you need support the most? It might jolt the person into thinking about you, rather than how they personally feel about the situation. Then ask that person to approach the others on your behalf.

Can you go to your minister and ask for help in reaching your loved ones?

Can your hospital put you in touch with its social worker for help speaking with your family? Many hospitals have programs for family members of cancer patients. It could be that everyone involved, kids as well as adults, might need counseling considering your unique circumstances, in that your husband's first wife died from breast cancer and everyone seems to be in shock.

You will be needing all of the active help that you can get as you go through treatment, and you are going to need it soon. Explain that you have a disease, not a death sentence, and that you are going to need their practical help during the days ahead. Help with housekeeping, shopping, child care and driving the kids places. Perhaps giving people specific jobs will help them cope.

A bit of practical advice before you dive into treatment is to stock up on household basics that you know you are going to be needing during the next 3 - 4 months such as paper towels, toilet paper, laundry soap, bath soap, shampoo, toothpaste, pet food, and shelf stable foods like tea, canned foods, pastas & sauces, rice, etc. I found doing so made life as I went through surgery, chemo and radiation much easier. My husband had less to shop for and only had to pick up fresh foods at the market.

Best of luck! (((Hugs)))

agsuitt

alaskamommao3 - You're right. It absolutely complicates. All my stepkids see is death because that is the experience they had with this disease. My husband is a little more optimistic, but he still has his moments. As for my parents, I sympathize with them because they were dealt a double blow. In January, I became the healthcare power of attorney for my older sister who was diagnosed with non-hodgkin's lymphoma. So now they have two daughter's battling. And, although I am the baby of the family, I have always worn the hat of the caregiver. No one knows how to deal with the fact that I am the one going through. I think the hardest blow was from my firstborn daughter. She's my mini-me. At 22 years old, there's not a day that goes by that we haven't talked. And now it seems she doesn't know what to say to me anymore and I miss that closeness so much.

My faith is absolutely my stronghold. I knew from day one that God was fighting this battle not just with me, but for me. I look so forward to the testimony that will come at the end of this. And thank you for that scripture. That's one I'll print and frame to hang on my wall.

agsuitt

Hortense -

It's funny you should talk about the reading. I've been doing that since I got the call. By the time I had my first post-diagnosis appointment, I knew more about breast cancer than I probably ever wanted to. But it empowered me in a way. It allowed me to be more than just an observer in what was going on.

I'm praying that my family does wake up soon. I've got surgery in a little more than a week. I'm really going to need them to emotionally support me at that point and not the other way around. I don't think I can continue to be the one to reassure everyone else, ya know? It's hard being the voice of reassurance for everyone else when you are the one going through.

I am still trying to find the one person that isn't falling apart. Everyone just gets so quiet when I bring it up. No one really knows what to say. I actually have suggested to them that they take advantage of the free counseling sessions that are offered so that they can better deal with this situation. Until then, I guess you guys here are my people and I'm thankful to have found someone I can talk to.

My hospital is actually amazing. They have an entire resource center built specifically for cancer patients. It has every resource that I could ask for and I intend to take full advantage of it.

We shop at Sam's so we are typically fully stocked on things like that. Luckily, my husband cooks well and my family is local so meals aren't really a problem. They can deal with the practical stuff. But when it comes to talking about how I feel and the disease, that's when they have issues. I guess I'm at least blessed in that I won't have to worry about the "everyday life" stuff. Lol

Thanks and hugs to you too!

Trvler

Wow, what an extra added burden. It is understandable how they feel but hard on YOU. Is there any way you could try a few sessions with a therapist? That's what I have been doing.

Also, what is your diagnosis? Are you in an early stage?