so very sad today

macb04

I saw my new PS today and saw a photo of what I look like now. It freaks me out and depresses the hell out of me. I try to never look full on. The horrible lopsidedness of a real breast and a mound makes me have a panic attack. I can't stand to see it. It's not me anymore.

I have had terrible bad luck with reconstruction. I had poorly skilled Seattle PS's doing Fat Grafting 5 times and all I have is an Acup. I didn't have the money to go to see Dr Khouri in the Miami Breast Center. I am now trying to get a tissue expander to stretch out my skin so I can then get an implant. My odds are only so so since I had rads wreck my skin.

I worry and cry. Today is really bad. I know crying doesn't fix anything as my husband says, but sometimes I can't stop for a while. I worry about the weird little belly pain that is now there most days, right where my right ovary is. I don't trust any doctors. I used to trust them before I had 5 useless mammo's that wrongly told me that I was fine when I wasn't. I think either you believe in doctors and what they say, or you don't. Well I don't believe in the whole cancer industry crap anymore. Seen too many get sick and die who listened and did what their doctors told them. Although I sometimes wish I still believed, so I could have that comfort, sort of like believing in God. More power to those who do have any of those belief systems still operating for them. I just want the fear and anger to stop, the bad events to stop.

Wheww, glad to say all that. Got to unload that somehow before it kills me.

Blessings to you all.

Meow13

Have you looked into DIEP surgery? I had Dr Said at UW.

dancingdiva

I am sorry you feel so bad. Crying doesn't change things but sometimes it just feels better and really is the only thing i can do at times. Let it out and give yourself some time to feel bad. I try to time myself and if it lasts too long, it's time to go out and do something. hugs

macb04

Thanks dancingdiva. - I usually call the Cancer 24 hour hotline. That usually helps me when I have trouble stopping crying, just didn't help enough last night so I vented on here.

Meow13 - I initially was going to do a Diep, then changed mind and tried fat grafting instead. I saw photos of patients like me who had rads damage who did it sucessfuly. Unfortunately I had a Seattle PS who really didn't know how to do it well, so I lost out. I lost my job when diagnosed with c. I have a new job after looking for months. If I go do a Diep I might loose this one too, because of the long recovery time. I am really broke, living paycheck to paycheck. If the TE doesn't work that will be my last resort.

Meow13

mac, I took 8 weeks for diep recovery. I also got short term disability 80 percent pay. I was working for Boeing over 30 years. I think my BC was a big factor in my retirement/layoff. Maybe you can arrange for the surgery after you work at new job for a while. Try contacting the UW I remember Swedish had no one who did the surgery when I had mine done. I really did not like the PS's I saw at Swedish but my mastectomy surgeon and mo at Swedish were the best.

catlady44

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down! After all that stuff you mentioned, I can understand why you feel this way. Although crying doesn't fix circumstances, I think it's a good release and you have legit reasons to cry.

I don't trust docs either so I get it. I had a normal mammo 6 months before finding a 4.6 cm tumor in one breast and 2 malignant lymph nodes. No one told me I had extremely dense breasts or I would have done more advanced screenings. My grandmother died after a pharmacist here in KC was convicted of diluting all chemo infusion meds. We received a hefty settlement, but I don't care about the money. I want my grandma back. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to get a bit aggressive with docs who suck. I've learned to advocate for myself. If it irritates the doc, I don't care because I'm the one who is sick here.

I hope you feel better soon

L00Sparrow

That Is me today Sad It is nice out and I feel so crappy Inside .Having cancer when I was 15 was so hard I beat it but it took so much from me it still makes me cry . I can not have kids I lost my hearing but with science n faith I am able to hear again .You move on with your life and become happy an then once again you are Diagnosed with Cancer. It tears me up I have yi take this journey again and I feel so alone at times doin it . I have nothn to call my own but my life I have family but what I mean by that is my own family . I jus pray for better thanks for listening to my tears

DSW1976

I hope it is okay for me to post here.  I have been having a hard time since it all started.  I keep to myself in every aspect of my life, im a very private person.  So today I decided to try to break out of it all and try to help others here any way I can.  I mean whats the point of going through it all if you cant reach out and try to help someone else ..Right.  I was trying to help others and of course someone has to just stop me from feeling like I was actually being of use.  Im not one to ever play poor me I am just disappointed thinking this place was any different .  Good luck ladies .  I know what it feels like to not want to get up anymore.  I mean going through actual chemo has been a tough ride let alone everything else.   I try to get through life knowing someone always has it worse , but some days it does get to me. 

macb04

Hi Meow13, hi all. I am going forward with the the TE surgery. I don't have any way to take off 6 or 8 weeks to recover from a Diep. There is only one other person at my job and it took months to train me in the first place. If I had to take off work that long, I would get replaced and have no job. I work so I can afford supplements to stay alive, to buy organic food and to help out my family. Iwill only do a Diep as a last resort. I am glad job wise it worked out for you Meow13, but I am barely making ends meet. I will just have to hope and pray that the TE and exchange to implant works without infection, extrusion, capsular contracture, reaction or bottoming out.

There is a site on the reconstruction forum where women have had problems with TE's. Biggest problem I see repeatedly mentioned is infection. I had nasty infection twice with fat grafting. That's my most immediate fear, infection. I am going to do everything I can to prevent that. My next surgery date is April 9th at 11:30am. So cross your fingers, say a prayer, any help is appreciated.

catlady44

DSW1976 - post away! There's always someone to rain on our parade, right? That's admirable that you are trying to reach out to others! I'd say keep trying. If there was a problem with the first place you tried (of course I don't know details), try a different place. Personaly, I think trying to focus on other people helps depression, but I'm not saying to neglect yourself either. I feel like getting well is my number one priority right now, esp since I am too sick to do much else other than rest.

Cancer is overwhelming emotionally and physically. I also try to think of others who gone through much worse circumstances. I have a friend who survived a stem cell transplant for lymphoma. She had a 50/50 chance of making it and was seriously quaratined for at least a month (I think). I'm always telling myself, if she could survive this, I can too. There are days when I'm so miserable, I can't even remember to think of what she went through. I get tunnel visioned a lot of the time.

Feel free to pm me if you want. I'm sorry you're having a tough time.

bobogirl

Macb! I am sending you so many hugs, sister. I know just how you feel, as closely as I think it's possible for another person to know, and I have lived in Seattle, and I have gone to the Pike Place Market! So that must mean we are sisters!

Oh, Macb. I hardly want to advise you, like the big fat advice expert. I am aching for you. It sounds like you are moving forward with a plan. It sounds like you feel better having a plan. I wouldn't worry about not having time to take off for DIEP. Lots of people are in that position, myself included. You should have seen me rocketing back in to work after all my surgeries, wobbly and a mess -- two days after, three days after, a week after. It was ridonculous.

Umm... about infection. You can be careful. But don't forget that everything about infection is not in your control. Don't blame yourself, or otherwise fault yourself, for things like that that happen. I know how it feels not to be able to stand things as they are now. Will the new PS be reducing on the other side, or otherwise reshaping, to make more of a match?

About nips. Are you needing a nipple on one side? I am going to Vinnie. After my many botches and life-threatening situations, I feel it is just what I need. It is an expense, of course. But I wanted something celebratory. I have been saving for it. PM me if you want details!

Sending you so many hugs!! XXXXXOOOOO

catlady44

I agree about infection, but that's a risk with any procedure unfortunately. It's like pick your poison. I've had many MRSA infections so that is a real worry for me. I wonder if seeing an Infectious Disease doc on the side would be of any help?? I'd at least bring MRSA up with your doc. My doc said that the fewer holes I can poke in my body, the better, and that was before cancer! LOL I'm old so I don't care about getting nipple reconstruction. I probably wouldn't have reconstruction at all, but since I'm married, I feel like I should (yes I know that's ridiculous). I've spent forever trying to find a good bra to hide those headlights so losing them isn't a worry for me, but everybody feels different about it. Take care of yourself - you are the priority right now!

sandy2009

So sad today too.   In 2009 I had a left masc. followed by a DIEP that didn't work that turned into a Pedical Tram.   I am six years out of cancer, and getting MRI's yearly.   The last MRI showed "something new", so now I have to repeat the MRI in a few months.  I had 2 radiologists that had different opinions (one said have a biopsy, the other was a mean one that said wait and repeat the MRI in 6 months).

After 6 yrs. and having to go back for a repeat MRI and possible biopsy has brought everything back up again.   I am incredibly sad, depressed and scared. 

The long winter and now rainy gloomy days don't help (Ohio), finding it so hard to find joy in my life.   No one understands until you've been through cancer and how fragile you feel.   Yesterday was my birthday and I think it was the worst one of my life, my husband and argued.. I know I'm edgy, he really doesn't understand (he tries).   I've had some rough years.   My brother died of cancer at 58 within a year of finding out - it spread all over his body fast.   I learned of my cancer 2 weeks after he died.  Just don't want this coming back again    Any encouraging, uplifting thoughts - words are appreciated, or similar experience to share.

farmerlucy

Oh Sandy - I feel for you. When I am in the well often I just stay in the chair and watch bad TV and lick my emotional wounds vowing to face the next day with a renewed spirit. Or sometimes I take a walk. Or I set the timer for 15 minutes and start cleaning agreeing that my only commitment is that first 15 minutes. You know, the older we get the more grieving we've done and some days it is hard to manage. Hang in there. We're right there with you.

sandy2009

Thank you Farmerlucy, yes.. too many days sitting on this couch doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and depressed, trying to convince myself tomorrow will be better.   I know I used to be joyful, but it's so hard knowing joy and having it robbed of you.  My mind feels like wreckage, I've come so far after my 2009 operation/daily Aromosin pill/zometa infusions/unkind medical staff-Dr.s, nurses etc etc..... only to have to repeat an MRI and have uncertainties come back.   I am scared, I will keep positive the best I can.   Walks help, exercise too.   I've done yoga for 3 yrs and need to keep with it.

You can be strong for so long, and there are breaking points - so hard.   Thank you for your kind words, I know others are feeling this way.. I'm not alone.

catlady44

Sandy - I feel for you too. I'm so sorry you're having all these awful things just piled on top of each other.

macb04

Today is Saturday, surgery is in 5 days. Today my husband crabby a**hole. I have asked for hugs and support the last few days as I am scared and angry that I have to have this God damned tissue expander put in my breast to have a chance to look normalish again. I thought he was there for me. In reality he resented having to listen to me, he said to me today "do you see what I have to put up with these last few days."

That hurts so so much. I tried get on with him more lately. Last weekend we got on well so I know he isn't 100% mean, he was frustrated from something else but it just hurts when he kicks me when I am down.

Sandy, Hugs to you, to you all.

Meow13

Oh Sandy I am sorry, I can relate my husband thinks I'm done with cancer and he doesn't want me to mention it. I guess it is their way to cope. I get my support from my BC sisters.

kmahalick

Hugs to you today, I know it is difficult for our partners, my husband tries to steer me away from researching reconstruction ideas, he does not want me to be unhappy.

You will have a switch and my thoughts for you are a lifting of that phase and hopes for sucess.

catlady44

After all these years of dating and being married, I've decided that men are morons. ;P