Husband thinks life will go 'back to normal' after treatment

rleepac

My husband asked me today why I seemed sad. I told him that I'm sad that life will probably never be the same again after treatment. He said 'I don't know what you mean...this is just a different season and a new adventure but I don't see why it would change your life forever'. I don't know if he's just trying to be positive or if he really feels that way. I think he really feels that way.

I don't want to disappoint him, but I don't see how this WON'T change my life forever. Even when (note I'm not saying 'if') my cancer is treated and put in remission...I can't understand how I will ever be able to let this go completely. Why does he think this is just treated and you move on? Like repairing a hernia or something. Do people finish treatment and move on?

Don't get me wrong...I love my husband with all my heart and he's typically a realist. I just don't think, in this case, he 'gets it'...

Meadow

I know what you are saying, and you both right! Things are forever different, you have had to fight for your life, you have been forced to see your own mortality. But, I have to say, there will come a day when cancer is not the first thing you think of when you wake up, or think of at all that day. I know that does not sound possible, but it is true. My spouse sounds a lot like yours, and we were close before my diagnosis, but we are closer now. And we dont sweat the small stuff. We enjoy every day more than ever. You will be your old self again, but a new and somehow even better version. Dont let cancer or the fear of cancer take away your spirit or keep you from a joyous life. I wont give cancer that much power over me. (((hugs to you)))

rleepac

Thank you Meadow! That's exactly what I needed to hear!!!

Meadow

you are so welcome!

debiann

You are both correct. Your life will get back to normal AND you will be forever changed. You will get back into your normal routine, going to work, exercising, raising kids, whatever it is you do. But like any other tramatic event in your life, this will change you. The changes won't all be bad. Maybe you'll make some healthy lifestyle choices that make you feel really good. Your relationship with your husband may deepen. You may start out scared but find a strength you didn't know you had. This event may change you, but it doesn't have to consume you. 

As difficult as it was for me to get a cancer dx, the death of my father 6 years ago devastated me much more. It took the joy out of my life for a long time. The cancer dx actually made me appreciate and enjoy life more. Before dx I was working too hard and stressing too much. I'm getting much better at taking care of me. Try to not stress about the unknown and focus on one day at a time. 

mdg

I find that unless people have lived this, they don't get it.  I tend to talk about these types of things with other bc survivors instead of with family or friends.  I know that my bc buddies will never look at me funny and always understand exactly what I mean.  I get frustrated when I try to discuss this with others that have not gone through it.

I am 4 years out from dx.  It does change your life forever.....you are not alone!!

WinningSoFar

Cancer or any other life threatening condition does change your life forever, but it doesn't mean that sadness and grief follow. Perhaps once you've been diagnosed, you come to appreciate life more--and I do know one thing, you'll never think that being told 'you have cancer' is the worse thing you'll ever hear.

ang7894

I find I have more of a heart for anyone that has gone through any kind of cancer and treatment. I know now what they may have gone through . Before DX never gave it a thought.  I am also more kind and find my self doing random acts of kindness. And I do not sweat the small stuff anymore...     My husband does not get it either . I feel if you are not the one that had the life threating issue they just don't understand .

grammakathy

my husband was the same way when the surgeon came out after my mastectomy and told him he got it all and there was no cancer he could see in the SNB. Then we met with the oncologist - and he learned there was more to come - and then waited for the oncotype dx test results. Then the second mastectomy and I began reconstruction which lasted most of a year. It was a very long year. What I want to take away from this experience is to not take life for granted. I want to make choices about what I do and not waste time on things I feel pushed into doing. It's OK to say "no". And it's ok to just spend time enjoying life. My husband and I are closer now than before my diagnosis. We will never be the same and that's a good thing.

zjrosenthal

I wish my husband and I were closer but I found out that if it's not all about him, he can't handle it. What I learned is that I can't rely on him to care for me. So sad.

rleepac

Things are settling down with DH for now. He asked me again the other day if I think this will change me. I simply replied "yes". After a long, awkward silence I told him that I don't know how it will change me but there is no way someone can go through this and not be changed in some way. I think he's starting to get it.

angelia50

releepac, I know exactly what you mean. I would have days I would just feel a terrible fear come over me and I tried to explain it to my husband but he doesn't get it. I would say, how do I know they got it all, how do I know its not coming back and he would say none of us know, maybe I have it right now, you just never know. I do think thats true on some level but like I told him, yeah, but I know its been in my body, in my blood, etc. I would ask him, how would you feel if you had to have part of your private parts removed, you have no idea how I feel. I do hope he's sincere that it doesn't bother him that I now have one fake boob but even if it doesn't, it bothers me. I am thankful I am alive and I agree with some of the other posters, it has made me appreicate life more and try to enjoy life more, little things that maybe I took for granted before, but I still have many days when I just feel fear.

Trvler

My husband is in denial. He was asking me about the possible timeline of all of this and when it dawned on him that it might be a year (it could be more based on signatures I see here), he was surprised. But this is how he handles everything negative. He says he is being positive but it's not being positive. It's total, complete denial.

He has been in his busy period at work the last two months which means crazy hours. But the other day he was being very nice all of a sudden. I don't know it if because his work load is lightening or what. He did all of the laundry on sunday and cooked my favorite dinner. He always helps around the house but not this much.

zjrosenthal

My hubby keeps asking for intimacy and he's nasty when I don't want to. He doesn't get it. Very frustrating. If he would be a bit nicerr I might feel differently. As it is I just build up resentment. Love, Jean

Trvler

Ugh, Jean. I am sorry.

JJOntario

I think to go through all of this and to not change would be impossible. For the first time EVER I have time off of work to think about things. I told my DH that forever and ever for the rest of my life there will always be a greater importance to every future mammo. My biggest fear wasn't dying when I was first told...it's wondering if it will ever come back. DH doesn't get my mood swings..,,I'm not sure if it's stress or the tamoxifen ???

zjrosenthal

Trvler, tks. He is better today. I won't give in to disrespect. If he wants me he has to be gentle and kind. Intimidation gets him nowhere. Hope he understands this. Love, Jean

Meadow

jean, men can be pigs!

I think men sometimes function from a more primal level...maybe he is making sure that you are still "there". Not that I am making excuses or mean to intrude. I had a friend, who is also lesbian, chime in on a similar topic, "well what do you expect, you have left your gender!" I found that to be accurate and hilarious. Hoping he can find a way that makes you want that connection too.

Meadow

I did not mean to make light of a serious topic jean.

zjrosenthal

No need for apologies. There is definitely comedy in geriatric sex! We are both in our 70's. I think you are correct. He is scared and reacting out of insecurity. You'd think that after 40yrs of marriage it would dawn on him the I'm not going anywhere. Duh. Teehee Love, Jean

farmerjo

Jean...that is so funny! I've had a down day and you're the first to make me smile!