Survivors being negative..

SameRodeoDifferentHorse

I have had leukemia (five years ago while pregnant with my daughter), and have been recently diagnosed with breast cancer this month (January 2015). There are a couple of survivors of breast cancer in my community (women whom I consider close friends) who have been incredibly negative about the journey and reconstruction. They have been very vocal about Doctors not telling the truth, that the journey is worse than I could ever imagine, that because I am not stressing out (it's very hard to get upset about a cancer diagnosis when you've already almost died from a blood cancer in the very recent past) that I am some how not dealing with this situation, and how I shouldn't be hopeful about reconstruction because it doesn't 'look right afterwards', has horrific results for most and that doctors will lie to you because there is big money in surgery. Has anyone else had this experience with other survivors. I m extremely depressed by how mean spirited their words sounds though they claim to simply be trying to be supportive.

Moderators

We are sorry to hear what you are experiencing with your friends. It sounds as though you are definitely in a different place considering what you have been through already. It is probably difficult for them to understand this. Do your research, and make the most informed decision that feels right for your situation. We're all here for you.

The Mods

leggo

Hi Same. When I read your post I immediately thought of my mother-in-law. Miserable cow she was. When she was diagnosed, she bitched and moaned all day, every day. Everyday her friends and family were listening to her feel so sorry for herself, and lovely woman that she was, would get angry that nobody felt as sorry for her as she did and complain some more. In spite of herself, she recieved the best care anyone could hope for. I remember taking her to one of her treatments and she complained the whole time how SHE deserved better and HER treatments were so awful and SHE was so sick and why aren't these idiot doctors doing more for HER. Completely oblivious to anyone who had it way worse. I could tell the nurses were fed up, but always remained kind. One of the nurses happened to be a friend of mine and she told me that people that negative never do well. Some just want you to be as miserable as they are and can't live without negativity, entitlement and constant attention. I find those people usually end up dying sad and alone. Nobody wants to be around it for long.

Keep up your lovely spirit. Don't let haters drag you down. My best advice....ignore, ignore, ignore. If the support you need doesn't come from your friends, it will come to you 100-fold in other ways when it really matters.

wrenn

So sorry you have had to deal with cancer twice. I can't imagine. luckily, it was only a couple of negative people you've come across in your community. In this community (BCO) you will find many different reactions and coping styles. Seek out the ones that keep your spirits up. Take care of yourself

MusicLover

I just read your post and I feel so bad.  I don't have any experience with reconstruction so I can't add anything on that subject but from what I have read it seems that everyone has different experiences and there are so many choices.  The greatest thing I wanted to say is this, the most important thing that I have noticed is that I never hear someone who is stage IV complain about their reconstructed breasts (they just wish they were in remission, right?). My point is that this disease sucks no one wants it (or any other cancer for that matter) and through it all we just want to be put into remission (sounds like you know better then your friends do).  So only look at the positive stories on here and don't listen to your friends.  Best wishes.

WinningSoFar

It's ironic that you have two or three friends who have experienced all these horrible results from cancer treatment (or is it limited to reconstruction). Maybe they're mad at you since you aren't as bitter as they are. I don't know. I have what some would find a unacceptable reconstruction result, but it's because of one radiated breast that just can't stretch any further. My tissue expander and permanent implant went just fine. I'm stage IV and 66 and I'm not going to spend one more minute of my time complaining about my breast and instead I'm spending that minute thanking the good Lord for being alive and pain free.

Don't pay any attention to those who want to waste their precious life complaining. There's always grist for that mill.

tangandchris

I'm sorry too, what a load of crap to have cancer twice ((hugs))

This community is great, there are all kinds here and at different places in their recovery from BC. Cancer sucks and sometimes people are just bitter about it, maybe they were having a bad day and dumped it on you. Or maybe they are just bitter about everything and wanted to let you know. IDK, but this is a good place for support, hope, and strength.

glennie19

I'm sorry to hear that you have been hit with the cancer beast twice.  There are some negative people out there, and if they are toxic to you, avoid them if you can.  We, your virtual friends here, have been thru it all. Recon, non-recon, surg., rads and chemo.  You will always find someone on here to talk to.  Some have good recon experiences, some don't.  You will find many on here who are happy with their recon. And many who are happy being flat too.

sending you virtual hugs.

glennie

tgtg

SameRodeo--I am so sorry that you've had to deal with cancer twice but am glad to see your positive spirit shine through in your post. I am also disturbed about the behavior of your erstwhile "friends"--they are a perfect example of the adage, "With friends like these who needs enemies?"

I suggest you do what you do when you discover a food allergy that undermines your well-being--avoid the irritant food substance. In this case, the toxic substance is the negativity of those individuals, so distance yourself from them socially (a teenager might say "dump them") and associate only with truly loving and supportive friends. The negativity these women are expressing about their b.c. experiences is undermining your recovery and introducing a stress factor into your life that you absolutely do not need. Let them be negative with each other, and may you find your real friends, both here on bco and in the community. TG

proudtospin

so sorry for the new diagnosis, twice is the real pits.  Negative people?  get them out of your life!  stay away from those.  I might also make sure that your docs are not the ones they were unhappy with~~

yeap, got a ton of very positive folks her so hang here!  you can do it girl friend

DoggieBytes

Everyone copes differently.

I agree with all the great advice given above.

The only suggestion I would add is for you to give your friends the opportunity to know how they are making you feel badly. Do so gently but firmly. If they are true friends they will understand or maybe even gain wisdom from you. If they don't I would limit or avoid contact with them going forward.

I'm so sorry for the second DX of cancer and wish you all the best

exbrnxgrl

Indeed, everyone does cope differently. Stay true to yourself and your own feelings and stay away from those who are in the "misery loves company camp". Being happy may not change the course of your disease but it sure as heck makes life a lot more pleasant. BTW, I love my medical team, they never lied to me, they want me to be educated and informed and I am very happy with my one step recon. I am stage IV and know the odds are against me, but I'm going to enjoy life for as long as I can. Take care

DoggieBytes

I just want to say exbrnxgrl that I am glad you have a wonderful medical team. All the best to you, in everything.....