Feeling alone, because I am.

LoriKnous

Hello ladiesIt's been a long time since i'v been on the sight and my life has really changed. I'v always been the optimist, and I still make myself get moving and do a few things during the week so I can stay positive about life. At this point it's getting to be a struggle sometimes. The anxiety is starting to pop up now as well, and I just don't understand, and I really don't like it. My cancer, although stage4 mets is holding with no progression in the last year thanks to Herceptin & Perjeta & a lil zometa added.

I'v come here today because I need to tell someone how I feel, and I don't share well with those I have to talk to face to face. My mets diagnosis in 2012 was followed by the decline in health of my fiance` and his passing in 2013. We had known each other in High School and had our own lifes and relationships only to reconnect in 2000. When I had last seen him so many years ago, i was leaving a get together we has been attending and, he came across the room and planted a kiss on me that I would talk about for years. Only in a story, right?

When we saw each other again after all those years, the story continued right where it left off. He said "I knew if he didn't do it back then, i'd have lost my chance". We got to know each other again, and learned what we had each done over the years, the families we made and the relationships that "didn't last". We laughed about life and even shared a few tears. Love developed like I had never know before, like I never believed there could be.

This love grew over the years and just as my children were getting onto their collage years, I had my first diagnosis. I've always been a very independent person so, I would go to all my apts on my own so I didn't have to bother anyone. Derek was there for my emotional support so I didn't have to show it to my children, especially while they were dealing with their own teen years, their jobs, friends and college ideas. Soon after he became ill with heart valve problems. After he had 2 valve replacement surgeries in 13 mo. and me getting my mets diagnosis life took on a whole new outlook.

With both of us in compromising health, and me being the optimist that I am. My intention was to help him through the process of getting a liver transplant. We never realized just how complicated this process could become and how sick he would have to get. We would talk about one dying before the other, and he insisted he would pass first........and he did. I sat with him as I promised I would as he went into the light on Aug. 22, 2013. There was a lot keeping me busy for the past year and the loneliness is really beginning to hit me.

The kids have all moved several hours away and even across the country. I've had to go on SSDI so contact with others is limited to me getting out and about. Thankfully we have a place here called "The Victory Center" that offers many things to do for those who are in treatment and beyond. WOW, I think I just realized why i'v been so down!!

I guess it took me writing here to realize that because I took a trip to CA to visit my daughter before the holidays. I MISSED ALL MY REGULAR FUN THINGS AT "THE VICTORY CENTER", especially I think the art therapy. I think i'll go paint something!

Thanks to all who read this message, and I hope you too will have an outlet that helps you feel better about what your going through.

mdg

I am so sorry you have had to go through so much and have lost someone so close to you.  Life takes so many crazy turns...I am sure it is hard to realize this is your life. I hope you can continue to find friendship and support at the Victory Center and find things that make you happy.  Hugs!!!! 

LoriKnous

As I stated, it was a while since I had been on the sight and now another month since this post. Thank you MGD for taking the time to read my rant.

GrammyR

Lori- i agree that you have been through a lot of traumatic changes amd missing you partner in life too. All I can add is that I am alone now to but by choiceb after leaving an abusive spouse. I am closer to my son and grandkids but daily mostly alone- still not a biggy for me as I spend a lot of my time sewing. I always have a new project to do and I turn up the music and happily quilt away. I do babysit the kids quite a bit so have to sew when they are not here I also started a silver sneakers excercise program at the gym- trying 2-3 morning a week. so not much down time. I actually like my quite time to read and research. So a hobby is a big plus if boredom sets in. I swear by it- for guys too. Hugs comng your way.HI

shelleym1

Lori, you are not alone because you have the women on this forum to talk to. My heart breaks for the loss of your loved one. I hope that you have felt better since getting back into the art therapy. It's so weird how life can be great and then turn into a really depressing journey.