How do I deal with my wife's friends?

concernedhubbyalan

My wife was just diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer. She's handling it like a trooper (way better than I am), but her friends keep giving her "advice" (the vast majority of it is wildly incorrect) and are starting to scare her.

What should I do?

NineTwelve

It's something we all get in the beginning: people just trying to help, but they end up giving us all this, as you say, wildly incorrect (or just plain stupid) advice. One of my friends told me not to get chemo, because it's so bad for me (as opposed to cancer?), and another said I should sell everything and move to Mexico, where I could get coffee enemas and drink twenty pounds of juiced vegetables a day.

I went to the humor thread and read all the funny stories. It really helped me to have a sense of humor (sometimes it's a pretty dark humor, but it helps nonetheless). You know how best to encourage and support your wife. She has an early stage, and she's got you. She can do this. You both can.

MelissaDallas

Let her handle her friends.

Blessings2011

concernedhubbyalan - is there any chance that you could convince your wife to join BCO herself? That way she could meet a whole new group of friends who will steer her in the right direction, and give her tips on how to handle friends and family members who just don't get it.

And as much as you are a loving husband, her rock, her supporter, her protector.... sadly, sometimes husbands don't quite get it, either. Nothing against you, my friend. There is just no way you can know exactly what she is going through. You haven't "been there, done that."

But all the ladies here have been through so many different experiences, there would definitely be lots of support for whatever situation your wife finds herself in.

Joining BCO is not only comforting, it's empowering.

Keep up the good work, hubby, and please let your wife know we would love to have her join us here.

Moderators

Naturally it depends also on your relationship to your wife's friends. If it is close, you could perhaps make suggestions to them on what they could do to be helpful to her (and you). Sometimes friends want to be helpful and just don't know how to do so. Maybe you both could also find a sentence or so that she/you could say to these friends like... I know you want to help by providing advice, but right now it would be most helpful if you could just .... hold my hand, listen to me, take me out for an evening without cancer talk, drive me, get a coffee together, etc....

It is a tough situation.

wrenn

I agree with letting her handle it and having her reach out on here for support if she is inclined. You might be making things more stressful for her by making the friend thing an issue if she is handling it. I wonder if you can get someone to talk to to help with your fears so she isn't having to take care of your stuff during this struggle? All the best to you both

concernedhubbyalan

It's aggravating because my wife is extremely intelligent. When she got her diagnosis, she shocked the oncologist with her level of knowledge on the subject (she took care of her dad when he had colon cancer) and she was far more calm than me, the combat veteran.

Now it feels like the sewing circle is encouraging her to panic. One told her that she got cancer from processed food, another told her to have both breasts removed regardless of what the Dr. says, and so forth. I just don't want to see her confidence shattered.

concernedhubbyalan

I have tried to get her to join ever since I found the site. She's just not the social media type.

As far as not knowing how she feels, I guess that's a bullseye. The closest thing I've ever had to knowing how it feels is a cancer scare that was a whole lot of nothing.

concernedhubbyalan

It is. Maybe politely changing the subject will help.

Mollymae

Since your wife is extremely intelligent ,she will search for the information that she needs and make wise decisions when they need to be made. I spent hours and hours and dayslearning from this sight. You can't get much better information than from all of these wonderful women who have experienced the life involving breast cancer. You may need to find some support for yourself if you are having a harder time dealing with the diagnosis. Try to find strength, as she may need your support. My husband has been my greatest support! Good luck to you and your wife

concernedhubbyalan

It's rugged because my wife doesn't have any family other than me. Her parents passed away and she has a very inconsiderate and selfish brother who really doesn't care.

Mollymae

I also am not into social media, but it didn't keep me from reading and reading and searching this sight. Hang in there

dlb823

One thing your wife might say when offered advice such as she's been getting from some of her friends is, "That's interesting. Can you point me towards research or information to substantiate what you're talking about?" If they can, and if it's from a reputable source (e.g. a university teaching hospital), then she may want to read it. If not, then it's just hearsay or alarmist rhetoric, and can be dismissed. I had friends bring me a lot of alternative information, something I've always been very interested in and very open to for things other than cancer. But as I glanced at those articles, it quickly became clear to me that my conventional docs knew far more about breast cancer than the "health writers" or whatever they were who had absolutely no real world experience treating bc.

And, believe me, being offered "helpful" advice is far better than being told stories about so-and-so's mother-in-law's sister's cousin who had bc and didn't make it. I found and still find those kinds of comments far more insensitive and annoying than someone suggesting I should be using Essiac tea, or looking into a clinic in Mexico. Hopefully your wife will quickly learn to sort out the good advice from the ridiculous, and not let friends who are only trying to help get to her or to you. Deanna

concernedhubbyalan

Definitely good ideas! Thank you!

pajim

One other idea is for her to talk with someone who has "been there done that".  Many cancer centers have programs where they will match patients with mentors. 

Really, she will have to handle her friends.  If she has some sources of good information, she'll have what she needs to laugh off the bad information.  I second the concept of asking where the suggestor is getting their information.

bobogirl

Pajim has excellent advice. Most hospitals have programs that can line your wife up with a 'buddy' who has a similar diagnosis.

I am not a social media type either, but this site is a lifesaver. Your wife sounds terrific and strong, and she is lucky to have you. You will find that the true friends will distinguish themselves from the others. They will come forward and you will know with whom to spend your time. Perhaps you can find ways to 'run interference' between the other (unhelpful, possibly hurtful) people and your wife. I know I appreciated that when I was diagnosed.

LAstar

I think we all just grin and bear this type of thing. If the two of you can have a laugh each night over the new wingnut advice of the day, then she will get through this part just fine. When my friends gave advice, I thanked them, asked for references, and told them that I was making the decisions I felt the most comfortable with based on the research I reviewed. I also reminded them that no one really knows what they might do until they are actually faced with the decision. Having a caring partner is so helpful when going through this. Best wishes to you both.

farmerlucy

The one on one consistent caring support is a so very helpful. Here is a link to an organization that connects people like that

http://www.imermanangels.org/

It really helps to know there is another human being out there, walking alongside you in the journey. You are doing a great job supporting your wife and she'll be forever grateful for it.

Claire_in_Seattle

I got the advice that would have killed me if I had been stupid enough to follow it and also those who wanted me to fly to New York to talk to a "real expert" as they didn't believe there were any in Seattle. I dealt with this as a one-off. One thing I did was not tell very many people until I had the rough outlines of my treatment plan.

I also held a "global virtual wine party" to celebrate surgery and other treatment milestones. This gave friends a way of participating, but without intruding on me. There was a crowd where I grew up who wanted me to join the "maimed for life cancer club". I declined.

I didn't do a second opinion as quite clear from the start that I would need quite aggressive treatment, but that is another route you might go. So say something like "we had a second oncologist review her case and s/he agrees with the diagnosis and treatment plan".

Ruth has excellent advice too. I laughed at the "wingnut advice". One funny thing I learned was that a friend of one of my close friends is really that uninformed and she runs a patient support organization for another disease. So confirmed what I had thought of this woman...wealthy flake!

Anyway....good luck, and will be thinking of you and your wife. One thing you can do is intervene with the alarmists who want to know (and spread) the worst. That is what caller ID is for, and you can field those calls. This will leave her with her friends she really wants to talk to.

You will both get through this. Good luck! - Claire

MelissaDallas

I will just say that when very ill with another cancer the thing I found most offensive was losing my autonomy and being treated like an ill five year old. There was nothing mentally wrong with me & I didn't need anyone to help me with my meal in the hospital or treat me like a delicate flower who couldn't tell her own friends to screw off if they pissed me off. I also got infinitely sick of not having a normal conversation about anything besides me and my illness. I didn't want or need to be "protected" from anything or anyone.

LAstar

One tried-and-true way to avoid hearing a lot of unsolicited advice is to ask the friend what they are up to. Most people would rather talk about themselves anyway.

I really liked these posts by Mary Elizabeth Williams regarding how to talk about a friend's and one's own cancer. I didn't realize when I read them that I would need them within a few months.

http://www.salon.com/2011/12/14/how_to_talk_about_...

http://www.salon.com/2011/12/13/how_to_talk_to_som...

gemmafromlondon

concernedhubbyalan - I am so sorry. Partners/carers have a very difficult path to follow and it is often not helped at all by those who are itching to interfere or think they are helping. Thank your wife's crack-brained and other friends for their interest and advice but also tell them that you will let them know her progress when appropriate and ask for help when you feel she needs it. Be firm.

Look after yourself - you matter too. It is very difficult for you both to function normally when everything seems to be dictated by bc. You will come through it. Do come back to us if you have any queries and I hope your wife will join us. I have found it a very good resource.

DivineMrsM

There's also separating the friends who truly and sincerely care from those who just want to have bragging rights to the latest news regarding your wife during her treatment.

I well remember the first several months when I was getting tested, diagnosed and setting up a treatment schedule. My husband and I screened our phone calls. We answered only a select few. I asked one of my sisters to relay information to the rest of the family. I let my husband give information, yes, even the bad stuff. We knew people were well intentioned, but we had to protect our own emotions first and foremost.

Here's another thing. It is really okay to get offended by the ignorant things people say. You are in a completely new situation, so come up with new ways to deal with the onslaught of ridiculous comments. You are allowed to say, " we are only comfortable speaking with trained medical personnel about this". You are allowed to be snobs about it. Because most people who haven't experienced this haven't got a clue what it's like. You are allowed to say, "your comments are making me feel bad. Is that what you want?" You may end up ruffling feathers or offending some people.

And when I say you, I mean you and your wife.

Once, a coworker, who meant well, was babbling to me and another coworker (who'd also had bc) about how she admired us because she knew this person and that relative who had died from it. The other woman with the bc diagnosis stopped the first woman right in the middle of her babbling and said very emphatically, " WE do not want to hear this. That is not making us feel better." Let me tell you, it really made an impression on me that I won't ever forget.

concernedhubbyalan

Thanks, everyone. This is fantastic advice.