The emotional rollar coaster; how do you cope?

LCH033

I haven't been on here in a few weeks; surgery went well however the Lat Flap feels so weird and looks like I'll be disfigured for life. I look in the mirror and think "what happened?". It has all happened so fast; I cry at random and then get angry because I can't control my own tears! I now know I was/am Stage 3 and it metastasized to 4 of 16 lymph nodes. My boyfriend is so supportive and sometimes I wonder why he doesn't go running for the hills! Ha! I know it could be worse and I see how blessed I am with family and job and insurance; however I am all over the place with the emotions.....I start AC chemo on 1/8/2015; I'll be bald by my 47th birthday!

I've always been an active person, worked out 5 days a week, have horses to ride, my life was in the best place it had ever been and then this happened; I read what another lady said on here and it's so true.....I feel like a bomb went off and I'm so scattered and lost; and with Zero energy!

I have had long thick hair all my life; Monday 1/5; I'm going to have it cut real short so when it begins to fall out it's not as hard (I guess)....one day I feel like I am in control and prepared, and in the blink of an eye I crumble; and I know the first clump of hair that falls out I am going to fall apart!! I'm in tears just writing this. I just want my life back; I feel like the earth cracked open underneath me and I'm in this dark hole that just when I think I'm climbing out of it, I slide back down.

I just want the nightmare to end and I'm right in the middle of it. How long does it take to truly heal from all the surgeries and flaps and chemo and hair loss?? I had a friend actually tell me I needed to get "mentally tough"; I'm sorry but if you haven't been here that's not what I think she can tell me....nobody asks for this and I know I could never had prepared myself on how to react or handle all this.

Any help and/or advice is Much appreciated!

Thanks, Lara

goldenpawsKim

hi Lara - I was diagnosed in October, had surgery in November & starting chemo on the same day as you .... lucky us, right?! I'm going to try and save my hair w Penqiun Caps. From what i have read, they seem to be very successful & my oncologist at Univ. of Penn recommended them. Once I heard that I could possibly need chemo, I freaked because of hair loss. I'll be 46 in April. I am in the grey zone so I had to choose for myself if I wanted it or not. I did choose to get Chemo now because I don't want to ever have regrets. It's been a bumpy road but it seems like we all bounce back in the end. some days it seems harder than others... Especially when I look at my 3 kids. I know I need to be there for them so I need to do what's best for me .... even if it sucks but hoping to keep my hair. Hang in there and keep me posted on how your treatments are going. Here's to a happy and HEALTHY New Year {{hugs}}

Kim

farmerlucy

((LCH)) I think you are doing a remarkable job of coping. It is vital that you feel what you feel, you don't need to be strong. Just be. Focus on one day at a time, or hour at a time, even a minute at a time. I found I needed anti-anxiety meds and an antidepressant to get me through this. Also I found speaking to a counselor for several months was incredibly helpful. Often there are past traumas in our lives that are exacerbated by this emotional upheaval. Your nurse navigator might be able to help find someone. One of the things that my counselor would tell me was "You know how long it is going to take for you to feel better? . . . as long as it takes." This whole thing is a mind bender (to be polite). We're vital and healthy one minute and the next we're a crying crumpled mess. You know what though LCH? That vital healthy woman is still in there, she is just a tad bit hidden right now. She'll be back. If I can help with anything please let me know.

Bcky

I am so glad you started this post. Emotionally I vasilate between extreme anxiety and deep sorrow to exhaustion so bad that I cannot feel much. Then when I rest I start again with intense emotional pain and anxiety/fear. When I was first diagnosed I opted for a lumpectomy with radiation. Until I learned what radiation would entail. By then I had had my lumpectomy. Occupational therapy for lymphodema as well. I have left booby breast cancer. The radiologist onc doc after measuring and cat scans told me he would have to radiate 10% of my heart and 20% of my lungs. The first radiologist that I spoke with did not appreciate my questions and said quite frankly that she did not care (in a mean way) and that I could have a mastectomy and was offended I did not trust her. It was not about trust. It is about my body and I need to know what the treatment entails. So I went back to the surgeon and discussed mastectomy. She insisted I see a second radiologist onc doc. He was patient and spent an hour and a half answering all my questions. I went for a second radiation measurement. On the radiation table I wept. I realized I cannot do radiation. I am now scheduled for a mastectomy on my left breast on the 9th. I was a light (really) light smoker for 32 years. I could not/ would not jeopardize my already compromised lungs with radiation. Although I am a non smoker after dx. I also have a heart defect that makes my upper chamber work harder than my bottom chamber.My EKGs show it. Although my heart is strong I have a birth defect. I could not wait 15 years to see if I won the lucky prize of lung cancer or major heart problems due to radiation. What my point is and how it relates to this thread is the emotional turmoil; sorrow and exhaustion is real and I think the PHDs do little to assist in making it an easier time by fully informing clients of any and all risks before having us make a choice. Because the choice is up to us I need all the information to make a good decision. Instead I have had to research and learn on my own. I am seeing my therapist tommorow and need to get on an anti anxiety as Ativan is no longer working. I am emotionally suffering and feel my brain chemistry from this trauma and accumlated life trauma neccasitates an anti depressant and strong tranquilizer. Many a night I go to bed hoping to never wake. I have many support systems in place but I need more. The combination of PHDs not giving us all the information we need to make good treatment decisions(they only give us what they feel makes a good treatment decision for them to treat us). The combination of giving us choices that are life changing and if we make the wrong one we could pay a huge price. I had a chemotherapist tell me I needed chemo and scheduled port placement etc before my ONCO type even came in. I was lucky my Oncotyppe was low and I could decline chemo. But what I am saying is these PHDs add to the anxiety/ distress/sorrow and "roller coaster" ride. I research hours everyday to insure that my choices are the best for me and I am being given truth. I no longer trust PHDS. Ever. Exhaustion. Sorrow. Anxiety. Yes. I had a cousin tell me I felt sorry for myself and needed to help others and then I would feel better. I am not suicidal but if I die in my sleep or surgery I do not want anyone to save me. Dont mind dying anymore. My anxiety and sorrow is so deep that I was so desperate for an Ativan I took it right there at the Pharmacy versus being discreet and waiting. I tore open that paper bag and right there I took it. I double dose Ativan if I have to now. After a dreadfull bloody biopsy and dx I had to quit smoking after 32 years. Deal with biopsies. Wires in my boobs. Cat Scans. MRIs. Pet Scans. Lumpectomy. The lymphodema treatments and Now! a mastectomy because No one ever warned me of a very real risk that exsmokers and present day smokers risk Lung Cancer after radiation and it is advised Lung Cat scans yearly after radiation if you were a smoker. No one ever told me that. Even the second onc radiologist tried to minimize that fact but it is all over the medical journals. Had I known that I would of chosen a mastectomy initially. I feel my life will never be the same. I will never be happy joyful Rebecca. I will be moving home thousands of miles away back to my family after this in the Spring. ONE BIG SCAREY OFF THE CHARTS NIGHTMARE! On all fronts. I accept that the remainder of my life will be partially about a chronic disease called Breast Cancer. The rest of my life I will smile but deep underneath I know that the sorrow this disease has earned me will never leave. No matter what I try. BC did ruin my life. I gave up fighting that. Accepting it kinda makes it liveable.

happygran

You'll be fine...................it's a scary place you're in right now...........but you won't be there for too long............

Ok.........let's sort these thing out...................

Your hair............ok it's going............not a major thing in the grand scheme of things..........it'll go & then it'll come back............maybe not as quickly as you would like but it will come come back just the same................

Chemo...........not nice........but keep your head down, mark them off on the calendar, listen to your body and you'll soon be out the other side (not soon enough I know)

I actually lost weight during chemo............once through it, walking plus eating moderately and I lost another 2 stones.............

Here I am nearly 7 years out...........fitter than I've ever been............feeling good & enjoying life....

It may seem light years away..........but, honestly, you'll soon be there..................